Standing your ground with visitors
Self-invited house guests
Dear Jay/StageofLife.com,
Three times now, a couple I know only fairly well and like only moderately have invited themselves to stay with me for several days. I suspect that their main reason is that I live in a very pleasant seaside town. They give me a lot of advance notice of their visit, so it's difficult to claim that I have previous engagements so far in advance, and they now know that I have a spare room.
In truth, I don't like having people to stay and only ever invite those really dear to me - my sister, brother and other dear friends and relations who live far away.I live alone and work full-time as a translator from home, without any domestic help.
This couple expect me to be available to entertain them, accompany them on outings and feed them. The man is diabetic, with special dietary requirements, and grumbles a lot about the wet Cornish weather. They do offer to "help", but the main help I need is for them to get out of the kitchen when I'm trying to cook and, anyway, their "help" is useless because they don't know where anything is or how anything works. They leave me feeling completely exhausted mentally and physically.
When they leave they always "invite me back", but they live in a distant town I'm never likely to want to visit or pass through. How can I get myself out of this Wunwanted guest trap" I've allowed myself to fall into? Your advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Jenny
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Jenny,
Thanks for taking the time to ask this very good question. I am glad to see that you are taking responsibility for having "fallen into this trap". You just need to learn how to say 'no'. You are in fact being bullied by these folks, albeit unintentionally (I hope). This is a case of separating facts and feelings.
When you next speak with them simply explain the fact that you do not want any house guests at this time. You live alone for a reason and you need not feel obliged to share that reason with anyone. "I just do not want house guests" should suffice.
Think of it this way. When someone does something to you that you don't like, you say "Please don't do that." They should respect that. If they don't, they are being disrespectful and hurtful, which is unacceptable behavior.You may have to speak in a louder voice to make clear that your boundaries are not to be crossed.
Standing up for one's self is not easy, especially after you've been somewhat of an enabler in the situation. But this is what you need to do.
I hope this helps. Jay
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