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My Song: "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler made me think about the mother I never had

Joined: 8/28/2012
Posts: 1
Dear _________:

I’m seventeen now, if you recall. When flower shops filled with young girls purchasing carnations for their mothers in May, could you identify my slant eyes, flat nose, and dark hair in the crowd - or did you see only a mass of identical twins? Did you mark on the calendar the senior prom you would never attend? As the neighborhood children grew restless and learned their letters, I wonder if you remembered I wanted to enter primary school. I wanted to wrap my tiny, crooked fingers around your sturdy palm. I wanted you to escort me to class and promise to return at the end of the day, but most of all, I wanted to spend those first six years in your arms.

My eyes watered. Kellie Pickler’s heavily accented voice seeped into my mind. “Sometimes, I think about you, wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking ‘bout me. And would you even recognize the woman that your little girl has grown up to be?” I remembered Kellie at the Country Music Awards singing “I Wonder” with tears streaming down her face, as she recalled the mother who vanished when she was a small child and the alcoholic father who never cared for her properly. Her story reminded me of my own nine months in an orphanage, waiting for love. Just as Kellie used songwriting to release her emotions, I began composing letters to my birth mother, asking her questions about my past, so I could determine my future. Writing proved more helpful than all the clinical therapy in the world.

Every night in my dreams, I run. I do not know where I come from. I do not know where I go. I only know that I link you to Mother II, that I sail between Father and Father II, and that I fly from Canada to China and back again, often in the same night. I wish you could read me what you wrote in your diary between the night of my birth and the night of my abandonment, events merely a week apart, so I could understand why I had to live this life, why I did not deserve to be a princess or your daughter.

One day, I will stop running, maybe in North America or Asia, maybe in Europe or Africa. I will stop trying to classify you as a mathematician or an artist. A philanthropist or a prostitute. A teacher or a student. A murderer or a romanticist. I will celebrate because ignorance of my origins has empowered me to wish upon stars. I can wish to be a writer, a chief executive officer, a mother, and a humanitarian. I can strive to be everything or nothing. I design my picture on a clean canvas. No one has told me where, what or how to paint.

I am a mixture of colors thrown haphazardly, yet intentionally, onto paper.

I am beautiful. I am complex. I am abstract.

Finally, I am free.
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Comment by bugcandy

Joined: 11/5/2008
Posts: 286
Congratulations - your essay above has been named a semi-finalist in the July and August writing contest (where we asked people to share a story about how music played an important role during a unique time in their life).

We had over 9,500 people from around the world visit the writing contest page during the summer and nearly 200 submitted qualifying essays.

43 essays were named finalists (one of which is yours).

To read a recap of the writing contest, see links to the qualifying essays, and find out who the runners-up and winner are (announced after September 15th, 2012) visit this page:

Our 26 Editors are now reviewing the finalists. We'll make an announcement on our Facebook page ( and via email when the winner is selected.

Thanks again for sharing your story on Stage of Life. Please share the news of being named a finalist with your friends, family and via Facebook / Twitter.

Great essay above, and best of luck!

Stay tuned!


P.S. If you haven't checked out the current writing contest, you can get to it from here:
Posted: Thursday, September 6, 2012 7:42:57 PM
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Comment by SOFLarchive

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 111
Nice essay. Congatulations on winning the contest.
Posted: Friday, September 21, 2012 11:50:14 PM
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Comment by abigailmumm

Joined: 8/12/2009
Posts: 16
Wow. This is incredibly written. Only your story is more incredible and more beautiful.
Posted: Saturday, September 22, 2012 5:16:01 AM
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