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The End of the War

Joined: 9/21/2010
Posts: 25
Heart beat
Echoing off itself, so alone
Wondering when this torture will end
Wondering if I can live through the end
Please god, don’t leave me
Don’t give up on me now
Don’t feign deafness to the broken plea I can’t speak
The words I mouth because whispering makes it too real
Just bring him home
Those last words he said
Please don’t make them forever
And when he said goodbye
When the plane left the tarmac
I felt all the heaviness settle
And please don’t let it stay on my shoulders.

Heart beat
Echoing off deepness in the ground
The rolling vibration of too close, too real
If the night were any darker I’d be lost
And if the bombs were any brighter I’d be blind
The flash of a thousand heartbeats
A thousand breaths blown back into the wind
And that terror turning everything into a movie
The kind that doesn’t stop, plays even in your dreams
And the slides are out of order and it doesn’t make sense
Because he was your friend and no, he can’t be dead
Lying there in the mud
Everything that was on the inside so red and so real
And those eyes looking past you into whatever waits ahead
And he said my name, he said my name before the bomb blew
And when my name turned into that scream I don’t believe
I felt all the heaviness settle
And please don’t let it stay on my shoulders.

When I was little
I believed in tooth fairies and forever
And now I want to hide in those days
Those golden invincible days
Because when he left, oh god, when he left me
Everything turned upside down and now
Now it won’t ever be right again
And the feel of his lips plays a song in my head
A song that I can’t forget and I want to hear it again
So please god, bring him home
I can’t read this letter again
The creases are already worn thin
And they cut through the words like the knives in my chest
And I don’t want to understand
(I can’t understand)
Because he has to come home and turn everything right
Because I’m still facing up while the world faces down
And I swore I’d never give up
But there are some things that don’t ever go away.

When I was little
I believed in heroes and war
But they forget to tell you that we bleed
We are human and we die
And they forget to remind you that your friend will look you in the eye
And he’ll be laughing
And then suddenly the bullet rips through and everything’s over
And you have to hold him as he dies
And they forget to tell you that so you go to war
Thinking it makes you a hero
Thinking it will be the thing that concretes her love
(God, how could I forget her?)
But when the bombs are falling like teardrops
Splashing the land with red and brown
And the colors of things that are meant to stay beneath skin
You forget about being a hero
And you forget about her
And all you can do is stare as he dies
And I swore I’d never give up
But there are some things that don’t ever go away.

If everything went away
I could survive the emptiness
Because the world could be empty with me
But I don’t want to survive it now
Because the empty inside is too unbearable
With the real world around me reminding me of the silence
And all the senses pressing in trying to get me to live in today
But how can I when my heart is across the seas
Being bombarded with the bombshells of a distant shore
And they say going to war is the hardest thing you can do
But I think maybe it’s being left behind that’ s harder
Because there you can lose yourself
But here you can lose so much more
You can lose your heart and your soul and everything
And oh god, he’s there with the bombs all around
And all the while I’m weeping in the corner
The walls blank and white
Neither too cold or too hot
Neither too soft or too hard
Because if I don’t feel anything
Maybe it will cease to be real.

If everything went away
I could survive all that comes after
If the bombs stopped falling, if the bullets froze in the air
If the blood and sweat and dirt and pain evaporated
Pulled up into the magnetic clouds to disappear and rain on a faraway place
And if the world spun backwards for a day
Took me to a place that’s anywhere but here
Maybe I could forget the screaming of bombs and bullets and men
Maybe I could forget the feel of blood
Making sticky rivers down my arms and face and chest and inside me
As he said my name as he died as he died as he died
And maybe I could forget that my brothers have fallen
Maybe I could forget the way the world stands still when you see that hole
That hole suddenly appear on his chest and it shouldn’t be there
But suddenly it is like a black hole in his chest sucking up the life
And we were friends so I shouldn’t forget
But maybe I can forget him
Maybe I can forget that he died
And if the world went backwards and it was sucked up into the clouds
If everything was just gone and I was alone at last
In a world where the bullets don’t explode behind your eyes
And your ears don’t echo the bombs
Maybe I could cease to feel
Because if I don’t feel anything
Maybe it will cease to be real.

I can feel control slipping
And I don’t know how to breathe anymore
Because I’m lying to myself, all over again, so stupid
Because I can’t accept this world, no, it can’t be real
Because what life tears your heart out and then puts a bullet in it
And he’ll be ok, I know he will
And I want to believe it I want to I want to
Because how can I live with this hole in my chest
This hole like the hole in his friend
And the holes left by the letters he didn’t write
And this gaping hole left by the letter I didn’t want to get
The creases wearing through and ripping
And maybe if I rip it right, I can change the words
Flip into reverse
Take him back from the opposite side of the universe
And maybe there won’t be this child without a father
And maybe I can stop seeing
“I am sorry to inform you that…”
And maybe it will make the bullet stop
Make time stop
Make him be anywhere but there
And he can’t die-
He has to come back-
And why-


I can feel the control slipping
And I don’t know how to move anymore
The terror is like a balloon inside of me expanding
And I’m bursting at the seams with it and I can’t breathe
And maybe this is what the end of the world looks like
Because the hole that was him
The hole that was in his chest
It’s now painted on mine and why
I don’t understand
Because it was my turn
I was laughing
Looking in the eyes of my friend
And then the bullet ripped through
And there was the numbness I was looking for
Only it turned out to be wrong
And I don’t want this
And now he holds me
Blood streaming down his arms and face and chest and inside him
And I say his name and I’m dying I’m dying I’m dying
And finally I think of her
Of that child I’ll never know
And oh please god tell her I love her
Because I never wrote
Because how do you tell her that the world has ended
How do you tell her that the blood was on my arms and my face and my chest
And how do you tell her that he died and he was my brother
And I’ll never stop seeing his face
I’ll never stop hearing him say my name
But I love her
And her face is all I can see
And her eyes as she reads the letter
“I am sorry to inform you that…”
But maybe the pain will stop now
And is that worth it
I wonder
And I can’t die-
I want to go back-
And why-

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