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I Overcame Cutting

Joined: 5/21/2011
Posts: 1
I first cut myself on August 22nd 2010. I remember sitting on the cold bathroom floor and rubbing the pointed end of a protractor over my wrist till I couldn’t take it anymore. When I was done I felt numb, almost invincible. After that I grew addicted to cutting. Every time something got to me I went through the same cycle over and over again. PaincutguiltcutpaincutNUMB. I didn’t always do it to feel paralyzed; sometimes it was just a way to distract myself. Feeling overwhelmed? Feel like you’re about to choke? Reach for the razor in the bed side drawer. One cut here another incision there and you’re good to go. Still hurting? Oh that’s only the sting, you just cut too deep, nothing else
By thanksgiving I had cut myself in seven different places but nobody had found out. I was very careful. I wore a jacket almost all the time and when I didn’t I walked around as if my arm was glued to my hip. I had never passed out and always cleaned up the blood stains. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I just couldn’t stop and I couldn’t show it to anyone either. I knew what they did to people like me. Hospitalized, institutionalized and then even after that you can’t go back to being normal. I had thought about how people would behave when they’d find out and I knew I couldn’t go through with everyone thinking the same thing that was already imbedded in my mind, that I was a freak. So I stuck to cutting and hiding instead of exposing and torture.
My brother saw the scars on my forearm when he came back from college for thanksgiving. He had bought me a wrist watch and lifted my jacket sleeve when I wasn’t paying attention to put it on.
He was sympathetic, understanding and didn’t send me to a mental facility but he did tell my parents. I was admitted to a hospital to check for infections and eventually therapy. My family stuck through with me in the most unimaginable of ways. They helped me understand that what I was doing was unhealthy, emotionally and physically to such an extent that it could lead to death. I couldn’t use cutting to cope because it wouldn’t help; all I would be left with in the end were permanent scars, guilt and a yearning to do it again. It would never stop and I knew that from experience.
I spent two months in the hospital and then continued as an out patient. None of that time was easy. It was long, intense and sometimes plain downright torture but it was worth it and though I didn’t stop immediately I did eventually make it out.
Now when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t search for free space on my arm, all I look at is a jacket free, pain free, crimson free me.
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