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Identity: Indiscriminate Creation

Joined: 7/21/2013
Posts: 4
I should preface this by establishing the principal that my life seems to revolve around: I do not know who I am.
It’s not that I’m so misunderstood, or that I like the edginess the statement lends. It’s that I am a fluctuating thermometer while the weather remains the same. I am all capitals and smooth cursive and spiky letters at the same time. I am the water system on the fritz, erupting and trickling, hot and cold and the lukest of warms. These constant continuity errors that my personality writes into my script are, in some sense, a part of me. In not knowing myself, I’ve started a collection of everything I’m not sure about. My feelings about math, for example, are as variable as the x’s that I seek; and my thoughts about any particular boy will ramble between deep pining and tearful hissing in a given twenty four hour period.
Much, I’m sure, can be attributed to my age. Hormones are no one’s friend at the age of seventeen. But there’s a very good chance that some of the indecision and faltering opinions will stick with me throughout my life and it does good to remember that this is not an inherently negative trait. After all, doubt is the key to knowledge, and a wishy-washy stance gives you a dual perspective.
Before I have you convinced that I’m a chameleon in every sense of my world, there is one significant facet of my personality that I have always recognized. I am a creator. My entire life has been spent gathering proof that there is something remarkable in watching other people perform skillfully, be it literature or physics or accounting. All it takes is a taste, a hint of the beauty in their expertise, and I want to do. I want to be.
I’m not proud of changing my dream career four times in the past six months alone. It doesn’t give me warm fuzzies when I realize that I don’t know myself well enough to make decisions, that I’ve spent years looking at colleges just because there’s no guarantee that I’ll be thankful for the future that I’ve created. That I want to create.
It boils down to an essential desire to mold myself into different jobs, places, and people, because I want to be able to do it all. I want to make everything there is to be made, find every joy there is to be found, experience every moment there is to be experienced.
Sometimes it hurts, because there’s so much that I’ll never be able to try or succeed at. There are too many pieces in the world that won’t be touched by my hand and too many sights that won’t be seen by my bare eye. Realizing that I don’t have to do it all is the most enduring struggle.
Indiscriminate creation is and has always been an art, and this is my most permanent dedication - an indecisive artisan.
I think.
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