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I Am Afraid of Being Alone

Joined: 11/1/2013
Posts: 1
The worst possible feeling in the world is being alone; feeling so lost, and unloved, like people could care less about you. It’s frightening to be left with your thoughts in the middle of the night, questioning yourself, over-analyzing everything, and trying to figure out what you are doing wrong.
I feel like this every day, and I’m scared that this aching pain will never go away—that I’ll always be alone. By alone, I don’t mean not in a relationship, but just feeling like you don’t fit in anywhere, whether it’s school or your own family. Everyone has their own clique, somewhere where they feel like they belong. I feel irrelevant. It’s like having lost a puzzle piece and just giving up on the jigsaw all together, because it’s incomplete and it would be hopeless to continue.
I find myself so disconnected with people that I procrastinate my work on purpose so that I have an excuse to go to the library during snack and lunch instead of socializing at school. The days I actually spend my break with human beings, I find myself completely lost. I’ll be standing in the middle of all these separate groups of people and not know where to go. It’s not that I’m antisocial; it’s just that I haven’t quite found people I can truly connect with. My sole desire is to be pathetically close with a single person, such that we have a mutual relationship where we think of each other first.
And it’s not like I feel better at home. As in, “at least I have my loving family”. No. Do you know what it’s like to have someone comment on your every flaw every chance they get, and criticize your every action, blaming you for all their problems? First thing I hear when I get home is, “You've really got to watch what you eat.” No, not the pleasant “hi, how are you?” but a comment on my weight. I’m not at all overweight, but I don’t have a flat stomach either. To be honest, I do think I need to lose weight, but it’s something I need to work on personally. Contrary to my family’s belief, the more you tell me how fat and unappealing I look, doesn't really motivate me to chew on celery and hit the gym.
I've only heard of this concept of unconditional love, and moral support. Hopefully one day, I’ll live to see it with my own eyes. I feel like I will always be alone because I’m irrelevant. I’m never good enough for anything. I’m always the second or third choice, if I’m even considered at all.
It hurts being told that you’re worthless, and its hard trying to pretend you’re not breaking inside. I’m a compassionate person. It’s probably my greatest strength and at the same time, my greatest weakness. I treat people the way I’d like to be treated, but never am. I feel like I’ll never truly be a part of something, like I will always be this deeply unhappy person, alone, where not even I am my own friend.
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Comment by futurejournalist

Joined: 4/30/2013
Posts: 48
I feel like this too. My standards aren't that high, all I require is to be accepted. And yet, people don't seem to "click" with me when we meet. I might sit with one group, but I'll feel uncomfortable standing next to them as though I were a separate species. I really don't understand it.
Posted: Friday, November 1, 2013 6:27:29 PM
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