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I Am Scared of Lonliness



Joined: 10/26/2013
Posts: 4
lilaznprincess85
Of the multitude of things I could fear in my life, I am scared of loneliness. I've had numerous affairs throughout my life, gone through trial and tribulation-run myself ragged trying to get through some of them, but I got through them nonetheless; however, the one thing that reoccurred throughout the depths of my mind as I paced forward was, what exactly am I running from? At one point, I was running from all sorts of bugs, but I realized I don't fear them (for all I knew, they were just living their meager lives) who would I be if I were to murder them for being alive?
I am the track-runner, who runs but doesn't know why or if I'm running from something or toward a destination.
My perspective didn't change overnight, it was a gradual realization-as if I was coming out of a coma that I had been in for a millennia. I'd constantly had good grades, behaved in school, but once I was going to high school, I questioned what I would be remembered for. I questioned, whether or not I would be able to leave my footprints on the 'sands of time', if not many but just at least one.
I am the thinker, who questions the past, present and future.
As a Freshman, I had many friends-despite the tendencies of people at my school to form cliques. I said hello to everyone, I knew their face and a brief description of who their personality was. To me, that was the popularity I searched for since middle school. How naïve I was then.
I am the child, who believes in humanity.
Every time a teacher would call out the word 'group' I secluded myself. I didn't want to trust other people. Not because they were untrustworthy, but because I couldn't be bothered to depend on them. My grades were my grades, no person should get in my way whether I liked them or not. As that progressed, people in my group would talk amongst themselves, but never to me. They would discuss things that I found didn't really matter and coined 'small talk,' nothing worth my attention.
I am the wolf, who has no limits, no one to rely on and no one to wait for.
When it came down to it and I finished the project, I stayed silent- my personality(of which people have come to call 4-dimensional) remained dormant. Now you may think that I am extremely shy or must be, well I'm not. I find that I'm just extremely critical of things and if I should concern myself with them or not. I don't partake in anything half-heartedly. When I say I am going to do something, no matter how late it may be, I do it. When I say someone is my friend, that means I allow them to pass boundaries that others cannot. The hardest thing for me was to figure out who would be able to respect me as I do them and take care of me for the times when I felt like I would drop.
I am the adventurer, who loves taking risks and making new boundaries
Right now, I am a high school senior in California, 17 years old. I am in 6 clubs(yes, it's not a typo.), won homecoming skits for the third time in a row, and I aid underclassman and those who ask for my help. My parents are not fully literate, and I've always had to keep a front. Be the strong one, the one everyone goes to when they need a shoulder to cry on, when they need someone to talk to, when they need a rational person to get advice from. I'm no different from anyone else, than those I help. I've faced the hurdles, tumbled and tripped but conquered all those so far.
I am the knight in shining armor, who's going to rescue and aid all those who call for my help.
However, the current question that boggles me like no other is-when I become the damsel in distress, who's shoulder will I cry on?
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