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I am Scared of the silver blade

Joined: 10/2/2013
Posts: 7

What scares me is depression, and what can come with it, like cutting and suicide. Yes. I was a cutter. I had been doing it for 6 months, before anyone else knew about it. I remember in the ninth grade my reputation was ruined because I didn’t give a boy what he wanted. So they ganged up on me and kept harassing me, to the point where I didn’t even want to live anymore. People started making fun of me and things just got worse and worse. Then one day I finally had enough. So when I got home I stole a knife from the kitchen and ran upstairs to the bathroom. I pulled up my sleeves and looked for my veins and slid the knife across them. I did it again repeatedly. I just let the blood run into the sink. Then I bandaged up my arm and went on with the rest of my night. I fell asleep and my arm started to throb. It hurt so much, yet it felt so good. I just wanted to do it again. As I woke up and got ready for my day I tried to keep my arm hidden away from my parents. When I went to school it started up again, the bullying and the name calling. So I ran into the girl’s bathroom, pulled up my sleeves and did about three more slices up my left arm. I just let it drop into the toilet. I just don’t understand what this feels so good and it’s so addicting. I just can’t stop, until one day my mom saw my arm. She was speechless all she did was cry and cry. I didn’t mean to hurt my mother, I love her so much. But still I just couldn’t stop cutting as months passed it just got worse and worse, the cutting got deeper, and the depression doubled. I started losing weight drastically, and I just couldn’t help it. My mom brought me to the doctors and they were gonna send me to a ward. I remember having a panic attack at the doctor’s office and passing out. I had to be run through tests. My results were bad. When I went to get the help that I need, I realized how lucky I was. To hear other people’s stories put me to tears. One of the girls I met their put me to tears the most, she was a cutter too. She asked me if I knew a good way to stop and I had told her no. The she went and got a pen and told me to wait right where I was. Then she came back with the pen, she told me to stick my abused arm out. Then she drew a butterfly across my scars. Then she told me that when the butterfly fades away and I haven’t cut at all it means that the butterfly is set free. If I happen to cut when the butterfly is still on my arm then I killed the butterfly. Then she said if you do this for about six months, you will be protected from the silver blade. Even now if you look at my arm, you will see a butterfly on my wrist. And the butterfly is always set free. Good-bye silver blade.

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