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I am scared of Being a Victim

Joined: 9/11/2013
Posts: 2
It seems rational that every teenager should fear being judged and becoming a victim to the worst social position ever: loser. Therefore, since I seem a normal teen, I contain this fear rather deep in my soul. I walk the halls of high school every day and I always think about how people look at me and just in general, what they think about me. I try to be silent and sweet, so nobody knows enough about me to make a complete prediction. I always sit in my chair, quiet until the bell rings because I don’t want anybody to draw attention to me. That word, attention, sends shivers down my spine and I become a vampire who strays from the light. Never do I ever want for people to notice that I am there, because there will always be people who make mean judgments. In fact, I’ve found it rather easier to stay happy this way because nobody ever says anything about me, hence, no drama.
The fear of being nobody has been pulled from many different things. Not just because I am a normal teen, but because I have been hurt many times before and I know embarrassment through the highest degree. I have been laughed at and made fun of, mainly at home, if I ever do something stupid. But instead of being “happy family,” it became mean. It became, “Watch everything she does and then laugh at even the smallest stupidity.” It hurt more than I can say, so from my past I grew my future. I don’t want to be made fun of because I don’t see things the same way others do. I want to be normal, but since I can’t have that, I should be left alone. I am afraid that one thing I may do at school would lead to my past repeating itself. I am scared to hurt because I know if I do I will surely collapse.
I can’t tell you how many times I have watched To This Day by Shane Koyczan. Not because I felt bullied, but because something inside the stories of other people clicked with me. I understood the fear of being unwanted because that’s what I have been dodging my entire life. I cry every time I watch it because I am afraid for those other kids. I am afraid that they won’t live because of that fear that they could not keep to just a fear. I hear it in my head every time I see someone at school who all by themselves. I watch from a distance, dying inside because it’s not right to fear others like this, and yet we do. It’s not humane that a human being should be treated with such cruelty, and yet we are. But it most certainly is absurd that the human heart is to be torn away while others are held back because of a fear, yet it happens.
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