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"I Am Scared of the Person I've Become"

Joined: 10/13/2013
Posts: 16
Kemara Night
I awake in the morning dreading the feeling derived from leaving the security of my bed sheets. I wrap myself in them as if I am a California roll because it is the safest place for me. It is not the world I fear, but my presence in it. You see, when you live an existence versus a life, yourself becomes the worst enemy. What scares me most in life is myself. I fear my actions, my thoughts, my mentalities, and my features. Yet above all, I fear my hands. They are the catalyst to all my wrongdoing. There are nights when I have to keep them folded in prayer, just to stop them from strangling myself. One of my favorite colors is Timberwolf (a shade of grey introduced to the crafty and childlike courtesy of the Crayola Company). However, I am not to think of its metallic silvery sheen because if I do, my mind will wander to the glitter of blades, causing my hands to desire the chance to caress and ultimately utilize them.

Nobody understands how hard it is to arrive home at the end of a stressful day only to spend each night sleeping with your bully. Even bathing is a hassle. It is as if some invisible entity swoops in to the wash basin with me, wishing to drag me under. I am scared of me because my hands are demons that refuse to detach themselves from my cursed (and cut) wrists. My hands even yearn to lie about their purity when they acquiesce to doing such chores as this, typing their secrets onto virtual paper, but my plagued mind still maintains control of some things.

Suffering from major depressive disorder has made me apprehensive of the one person I know better than anyone else. Or at least, the individual that I used to know because once enshrouded by its darkened veils, depression causes you to lose all of who you were. Even worse, when you recapture glimpses of yourself, you must sit in agony and watch them slowly shatter under the pressure of your own mind frame. I fear my hands because they are the puppet to this disease and I cannot curb them.

I accede to the fact that I may sound morbidly daffy, or even “mental”. I don’t doubt that I am either. Maybe I am positively mad to fear a body part, but you try living with ideologies beyond your control. I am my own Freddy Krueger, a nightmare that walks in reality. My past mocks me so with its unsolicited innocence, when all I have now is a ragged present with bruises on my forearm to show for it. The only peace that comes is with sleep. Yet even then, thoughts may make me stir from slumber. I have no need to dread ghouls, or to indulge in the fancies of Halloween scares and macabre merriment. I am my own frightening spectacle, 365 days a year.
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