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I am scared of Knowing

Joined: 8/25/2013
Posts: 9
A year ago my twin brother, Ben, was diagnosed with severe depression and I did not know. I did not know because my parents did not want to tell my. My brother was failing most of his classes, he was sleeping through his first through third almost every day, and he was angry and mood all the time and I could do nothing for him because I did not know about any of it.
Then, one day he started to take a medicine. I saw my mom handing him a pill every night before he went to bed so he could take it when he got up. I am a snooper, if something is going on you can bet that I will find out. So, I went and found the bottle and looked at it. I saw his first name plastered on it, it was prescribed, and the medicine’s name was also there Escitalopram, I had no idea what that meant, and for a while I did not want to find out. Just the name freaked me out because I did not know what it meant yet I knew that Ben was not in his right mind. Then, Ben was exceptionally bad I got the nerve to look it up. I plugged the name; Escitalopram into Google and the first sentence that came up was, “Treats severe depression and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).” I got scared. I knew that depression was bad; I knew that it affects millions around the world but I never thought that it could affect my family or my town. That when I realized how truly naive I was. I was naive to everything around me, to my brother’s condition, I new nothing about it because I couldn’t handle it. Now, things maybe or maybe not have changed but my brother is still depressed, he still needs my help. And I vow that with all of my fear I am still trying to help. Now he goes to boarding school but when he is at home he is my brother, we laugh, have fun, and still get into colorful discussions, fights, but healthy ones, its part of our relationship, we were made to disagree, but I am still worried, I am still intimidated, and I still frightened by the thoughts of know.
If I would have to say my worst fear about Ben’s condition is the thought of ever losing him, of the thought of not being able to talk to him, or not being able to see him ever again. And, I wish he could know that but it would not help right now because right now he has to do those things for himself he has to learn the right from wrong, he has to learn, or relearn, the ways of society and how it works. And, all I can do is still by the side and tell him I love him and maybe do those small things that will help in the end.
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