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I overcame my dark demons



Joined: 5/26/2011
Posts: 1
dmaesan09
Darkness consumed my life before and it will never do so again. The beginning days of my sophomore year were surely not a paved path for me to follow. I was taking my first AP class as well as other exceptionally difficult classes. Amidst all of my activities, it broke through and took me as victim to its tortures.
I began to have periods of time where I did not want to go anywhere and I did not want to eat. The feeling is indescribable and words escape me as I write this. It felt almost like the moment right before you are about to cry but you can’t. Under the weight of this cloud of depression, I began to burn myself convincing myself that my self-destructive actions was a form of coping and therefore should be acceptable. I did it once, paused for a time, and then began again. As my depression grew, so did my affirmation in self-harm. Burning myself created the one person I could turn to, myself. I was convinced I could trust no one with my secrets and I did not want anyone to see me in a tarnished light. I wore sweatshirts, bracelets, and long sleeved shirts to cover up my damaged wrists. I would put on a forced smile as I trudged on from class to class, club meeting to club meeting, and family meals to family meals.
My pain continued for a whole year only to be shattered by a single weekend. I had done all the “proper” Catholic parameters: all the sacraments, Sunday school, church every Sunday. But never had I experienced a personal and real connection to the very thing I was obliged to do. I attended a retreat with the other juniors of my church during March of this year, and at the nature surrounded camp is where my darkness was pierced by light. My personal meditation showed me how much God truly loves me and is hurting along with me in my struggle under depression. God became my source of escape instead of staying chained within my own self destructive prison. Instead of dreading the hassle of being pious, I have become spiritual, spiritual beyond the conventional church. Whenever I walk outside, instead of simply surviving each day, as dark and dreary as I had in the days of my depression, I see the beauty in life and how many things wait for me in my path ahead. I have forever sworn to never burn myself and vow to always expel my sadness through healthy and happy outlets through my sports, God, friends, and my favorite activities.
The path will never be paved and polished, but neither will it be as treacherous as the path I had taken before. Beyond God there are other forms of salvation for teens; sports, arts, hobbies, can act as the light in darkness and the smoother of roads for the paths in life that strengthen our will to live rather than survive.
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