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How to tell my husband's parents not to visit us often?

Joined: 7/9/2015
Posts: 2
I'm already apologizing for the big email. I need an advice on how to tell my parents-in-law that I'm not okay with them inviting themselves to come to our house more often even staying longer to stay away from the heat of the desert of the new place they are planning to buy. They live 17hs away from us and my Mother-in-law told that they are planning to move 5 h away from our home to stay closer and even stay with us when the desert gets hot. I'm having anxiety already. My in-laws has three sons and I'm married to the oldest, the youngest has four kids, ages 14, 11, 10, and 6. The kids, their son and the daugther-in-law always lived with them in their house. Their young son and his wife bought a house 2 years ago, 1 hour away from his parents, his parents decided to buy a house to stay closer to them, the youngest son and his wife are planing to move away from them to another state, for some reason they decided not to move closer to them but move closer to us to make my life hell. I know that my mother-in-law does not like the mother of the kids and she does not like me either but she pretends she likes us. I have being married for almost 4 years and know my husband for 5, I never had a chance to have a conversation alone with the mother of the kids, I knew that there is trouble between my mother-in-law and her. This year I had a chance to talk to her, she started the conversation telling me about our mother-in-law, saying that she is evil, and told me more things about her. I'll try to be brief telling my story.
I'm from South America but has being in U.S. For many years. When I met my mother-in-law the first thing she asked me if I was legal in U.S. She gave me an excuse that she was asking because she works for a company that does not allow the employees to have any kind of relationship with illegal immigrant, I never heard such a thing! Thank God I had my American citizenship and never needed my husband for citizenship, besides this, I enjoyed meeting them, my opinion changed about them until they came to visit for the first time. My husband and I, my boyfriend back then, decided to get pregnant before get married, we got married when I was pregnant and my mother-in-law was planning our wedding 17hs away from our home without asking us for permission and I said we are going to marry somewhere else. My first no to her. My second no was when we were going to have our baby delivered and she invited herself to go to the hospital and I really did not wanted anybody because I did not know what was going to happen in the delivery room since this was our first baby and first pregnancy. On top of that I didn't want my in-laws taking a close to look to my private area. I had an infection due to the some test done at the hospital and We had to stay at the hospital for four days so they can monitor my situation closer, the fluid from my belly went down to my legs and they said would take a couple days to get better. We went home with out brand new baby and 1 hour later my in-laws arrived at our home. I gave the baby to her so she can hold, she held the baby for almost 3 hours, I did not know I had to breastfeed every 2 hours and she would not let me know either. I took the baby to the room so I can feed the baby and we both can sleep. My poor husband had to stay with them hosting the inconsiderate guests. Next day, she would hold the baby for hours preventing me from breastfeeding, she would not change diapers, she even told me she did not know how to change diapers. How can you not know when you had 3 sons and helped raise 4 grandchild? I never asked her for help anyways. She said she came to bond with the newborn. Who place is to bond with the newborn? Mine or hers? Anyways, she could not see us holding the baby that she would take the baby from our arms. I notice her behavior and started spending more time in the bedroom with my baby, my mother-in-law started complaining to my husband and said that I was lying that I wasn't feeling well and my husband asked if she had taken a close look to my legs? He also said if they keep causing trouble that they will have to live his house. My husband own his house alone, when I met him he had the house already and I believe that is why they treat me this way. My father-in-law some time later made a joke to my husband saying that he does not have a wife anymore, that they came to bond with the baby. Where is the baby by the way? My husband came in the bedroom mad at me. After that I started taking my baby away from her arms. They caused more trouble and left after two weeks of making my life hell. I hated them, and the damage was done, I have a lot of resentment . Months later they came back to visit the baby and the baby now is about 6 months old, my daughter does not want to be held by them and my father-in-law makes a comment when I was alone with him that my daughter is racist because she does not want them hold her, he will put alcohol in her bottle, that she was in jail because she was in the playplan, I know it is a joke but a nasty joke. My mother-in-law saw me talking to my daughter in my mother tongue and she commented that she was going to be confused, and I said that it was not true. She always make comments about people being in this country speaking another language besides english. She said one time that our baby is not attached to her son because he does not have a boob, I overheard her conversation with my husband over the phone that the baby was going to be attached to me because I'm breastfeeding and he said that is our plan. Months later they came to visit again and my daughter was already 1 Year Old and I was in the kitchen with my mother-in-law and my daughter waiting for my husband and his father to get ready so we can go out. My mother-in-law picked up my daughter and my daughter did not like and wants to be put on the floor, My daughter runs toward me to give me a hug, all the sudden my mother-in-law yells at my girl and tell her that I don't want her. I was in shock! I hugged my daughter and left the kitchen with my baby. I could not stop of thinking about of what she said. Very mean! I thought to myself that I can't never leave my daughter alone with her. On the next visit, they wanted to came to visit but my husband was very busy with work and could not take day off and she said she was coming anyways because she wants to see her grandchild. She came anyways even though my husband said he could not have them over. They arrived and did not even said hi to me, playing games, I was doing dishes and stopped to say hi and his father passed next to me and did even look to my face then I did the same thing. I ignored and I notice that he got upset and started talking bad about illegal immigrants. That they need to go away. I'm not illegal but I'm an immigrant and it upsets me to hear the racist comments. I love United States and I also love my home country, I don't need to put up with mean and racist comments in my own house. Some time later my husband and I were arguing and I was upset because of his parents, his father left the room as soon we started arguing but his mother stayed and all the sudden she shush me then I said to don't get involved because it is not her business and it is between my husband and I. There is a lot of animosity when they come over and I won't put up anymore. How do I tell them that I don't want them in my house often without confronting? I want to confront but I'm worried how my husband will react. I know deep inside that my husband does not want them here all the time either but he does not know how to say and even if he says she will do anyways so, I have to say so she knows I'm not kidding.

Thank you very much!

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Comment by etiquette

Joined: 11/5/2013
Posts: 38
The bottom line is that neither you nor your husband are guarding your castle. Your intruding mother in law is running rough shod unopposed. If you do not have the ability to have an honest civil conversation with your husband, you need some help. If he won’t stand up to his mother, which sounds almost certain, you will have to stand up to her. You must protect your child. Your husband must do the same. He also needs to assure you that you are his number one priority, not his mother. He needs to hear how her behaviour makes you feel. She sounds like a very unhappy person who needs a lot of compassion, but not at your expense. I hope this helps.
- Jay Remer
The Etiquette Guy
Twitter @etiquetteguy
Posted: Thursday, August 6, 2015 9:09:16 PM
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