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Say "yes" more often



Joined: 11/5/2008
Posts: 286
bugcandy
She said "yes" over 11 years ago. And what a ride it's been.

My wife and I will be celebrating our 10-year wedding anniversary in August. We spent five and half of those years as "Married Without Kids" and the last four and half as "Parents" of our two daughters...the youngest having been born just a few weeks ago.

But I'm not here to write about my daughters. I'm here to write about my wife. My ultimate cheerleader. My tennis partner. My holder of dreams. My soft shoulder. My once in a blue moon frustration (let's be real...right?). My best friend.

The mother of my children.

Speaking of which, it was during this life stage, as a young married couple without kids during our 20s, when we formed the foundation for how we would raise our family in our 30s.

I think of "Married Without Kids" as the building of a family foundation, even before we thought we would (or could) have children.

It's the bond between me and her formed over countless late night dream sessions and glasses of red wine. The bond that makes me back her and support her in whatever life throws at us...knowing that she'll do the same for me.

The bond that makes me ask her how she's feeling when we first wake up in the morning before thinking about checking on our new baby.

This "relationship bond" - this foundation - was formed and solidified by simple things like our love our coffee conversation in early morning cafes, our love of travel to far-away places, our love of Richie Havens and the Beatles, our wild and hilarious experiences with our old roommates when we lived in sin during college in an old duplex off campus from the University of Minnesota, our old apartment...carrying her across the threshold, to more complex things like the joys and fears of owning our first home, helping each other through fears during new job transitions, having children and raising a family, and a million other events and occurrences that bond people together.

But guess what - building things isn't always easy. And it's obvious from the divorce rate in the US that marriage isn't easy nor is it always right for the people involved.

I will admit there were times when I maybe thought it wouldn't work for us. Were we really compatible? Were we going in the same direction? We didn't have kids yet...was the bond strong enough between us? A couple of times I thought to myself, "No."

However, those few "no's" always came at times of frustration from larger issues at play. Marginal things. Distracting things. Things that took a focus away from the fact that when I pictured the woman I wanted to wake up next too every morning; the woman I wanted to see the world with; the woman I wanted to hold each night; the woman who makes me write music; the woman I wanted to start a family with...it always came back to her.

And because of this pure, simple fact, we always found a way to say "yes" during those hard times.

Sure, saying "no" would have been easier in some cases. It let's you off the hook. It gives you an out. Saying "yes" commits you to something - to someone.

We also started to understand that those rare times when things were hard were often the result of a very simple point of view that one or both of us had not acknowledged or seen. We found that as soon as we were willing to listen and open our eyes and ears to a different paradigm or point of view from our spouse (and acknowledge that point of view as legitimate), so many things become so much easier in our marriage.

A lot easier.

So as I look towards my 10 Year Anniversary coming up in less than two months, I also look back on those years in our marriage without kids as the early building blocks in how to live and love successfully.

Our Married Without Kids stage was an amazing era, and yes, sometimes hard, but for that we are so much stronger, in love, "bonded" and in-tune as parents for our daughters.

Now the question is...what should I buy her for this anniversary...hmmmm?
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Comment by NoisyJoy


Joined: 4/16/2009
Posts: 8
I'm sure there are material goods that would exemplify the complex and concrete relationship you have; these may be shiny things wrapped in small, velvety boxes or they may be quirky, sentimental treasures. I think your devotion shows through in your daily words & actions, songs and blogs. I'm sure you'll find the right present, just keep giving the great gifts of a good marriage. :)
Posted: Tuesday, July 28, 2009 5:08:44 PM
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Comment by Guest


Joined: 10/30/2008
Posts: 2,760
Lot of smarts in that poistng!
Posted: Saturday, December 31, 2011 9:03:13 AM
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