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Family Editor's Welcome: May 1st-15th, 2012
Just Breathe
By Lisa Dewey Wells, Raising a Family Editor
breathe
There’s plenty to fill my “urgent and important” box these days. Wonder of Children has been put in the “important but not urgent” quadrant, which I wrestled with, but knew was temporarily necessary. As I watched a four-year-old on the playground recently, I realized I needed to shift gears. (It was also a convenient way to procrastinate last-minute studying for my yoga final exam!)
Throughout the year in preschool, we’ve worked proactively on social skills. Much of this is rooted in Responsive Classroom approach which focuses on children from kindergarten through sixth grade. For years, I’ve adapted much of this approach to meet the needs of the under-six crowd. As we worked with 18 preschoolers, most of whom came to school for the first time, it was critical that we focused proactively on social skills. Milestones resulting from RC practices this year include:
- sharing and asking germane questions by April (that’s a whole other post)
- three-year olds responding to peers with, “when you tagged me like dat, I didn’t like it…ya gotta member that it’s TWO fingas…”)
- a generally amazing transformation with self-help skills
While each of this will leave a lasting impression, and social skills will continue to develop in one form or another. The teaching breath work and relaxation strategies have made an indelible mark, too. Several weeks back, we set up our “Meditation Station” and I blogged about that in 6 Easy Things to Teach and Practice Focus. Since that post, nearly every day, there’s a line to sit there. Seriously. Three- and four-year old boys (and the few girls in our class) wait to take turns gazing into a mirror, holding an object and to just be. Breath work, or pranayama, has also become a common practice in our class. I’m sure our Admissions Director, visitors and most other adults who walk in were startled at first, but seeing my preschoolers breathing silently (or loudly doing “lion’s breath“) or in various asanas, but both have simply become part of our day.
LIke many of the Responsive Classroom practices, our breath work is proactive – as we settle into morning meeting or gather for a story. It’s grounding, calming, restorative, and fairly quick. The pay-offs are huge – children find their place on the carpet, channel or stir energy needed for brief group time, and learn (consciously and subconsciously) that they can control their bodies in positive ways. On the other side, we also use pranayama as a tool to help children react or respond when they are feeling out of control.
Meditation Station
The “Meditation Station” is one of those vehicles used to help gain control. It’s a place to go to when you feel like you need some time alone. It’s a choice a child can make when they begin (or are fully) losing control. If it’s not available, the breath work we do as a group can be easily done on our own, no matter where you might be. And they do.
Last week, on one of our “small class” days, I took my children to the hall with pillows, so that I could show them “Legs Up Wall” or Viparita Karani. We managed to line up, heads on pillows and 18″ legs stretched upward. When I suggested hands on bellies to feel the air rising, one response was, “hey….just like we do with da duckies!” (Earlier in the year, we practiced deep breathing by trying to rise and lower rubber ducks on our bellies.)
As we sat on the floor and focused quietly (with giggles) on our breath, we talked about how this really calms our bodies and lets our legs and backs rest. A few adults walked by and chuckled, and we continued sitting with our legs against the wall as if it was perfectly normal.
Legs-Up-the-Wall
Demands on my personal and professional life have been running high over the past several weeks. It’s been my own yoga practice and the gift of laughter and love of these preschoolers that has helped keep me focused and breathing deeply when I start to feel overwhelmed. I know much of what we do in the room is sticking. When I spotted that four-year-old walking around the playground, deliberately tapping each finger once to his thumb as he exhaled, “sa-ta-na-ma,” I smiled, witnessing one of our meditations in action. Last week, a parent shared a story about how her older child tends to bottle his frustration and then explode. The younger sib, a preschooler noted, “he needs to just do some breathing and he’ll feel better.” Wow.
So while teaching children how to identify feelings, express their needs and desires, make and sustain friendship and a whole host of other social skills are utterly necessary, we owe children a smidge more. In this age of 24/7 information, Tiger Parenting, multiple video and audio inputs, and over-scheduled calendars are the norm. Adults are in the unique and necessary position to teach children how to slow down; the barrage of information and demands for attention only increase with age, and we must help equip our children to manage these layers.
Modeling and practicing strategies to proactively and reactively develop greater self-awareness and self-regulation are easy to over look – especially when we are challenged to call upon these skills ourselves. Whether it’s showing them the beauty, wonder and quiet of the outdoors, how to breathe, or how to let go of the little things, they need us to do that, and we need to do that for ourselves.
Children need to see a range of emotions from adults and positive, healthy ways we manage the emotions, joys and stresses in life. I’m grateful to share each morning with my wee-ones, and even more grateful when I see them taking these tiny but hugely significant steps that help them navigate the challenges of the present moment and what lies ahead.
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Family Editor's Welcome: May 1st-8th, 2012
Just Breathe
By Lisa Dewey Wells, Raising a Family Editor
breathe
There’s plenty to fill my “urgent and important” box these days. Wonder of Children has been put in the “important but not urgent” quadrant, which I wrestled with, but knew was temporarily necessary. As I watched a four-year-old on the playground recently, I realized I needed to shift gears. (It was also a convenient way to procrastinate last-minute studying for my yoga final exam!)
Throughout the year in preschool, we’ve worked proactively on social skills. Much of this is rooted in Responsive Classroom approach which focuses on children from kindergarten through sixth grade. For years, I’ve adapted much of this approach to meet the needs of the under-six crowd. As we worked with 18 preschoolers, most of whom came to school for the first time, it was critical that we focused proactively on social skills. Milestones resulting from RC practices this year include:
- sharing and asking germane questions by April (that’s a whole other post)
- three-year olds responding to peers with, “when you tagged me like dat, I didn’t like it…ya gotta member that it’s TWO fingas…”)
- a generally amazing transformation with self-help skills
While each of this will leave a lasting impression, and social skills will continue to develop in one form or another. The teaching breath work and relaxation strategies have made an indelible mark, too. Several weeks back, we set up our “Meditation Station” and I blogged about that in 6 Easy Things to Teach and Practice Focus. Since that post, nearly every day, there’s a line to sit there. Seriously. Three- and four-year old boys (and the few girls in our class) wait to take turns gazing into a mirror, holding an object and to just be. Breath work, or pranayama, has also become a common practice in our class. I’m sure our Admissions Director, visitors and most other adults who walk in were startled at first, but seeing my preschoolers breathing silently (or loudly doing “lion’s breath“) or in various asanas, but both have simply become part of our day.
LIke many of the Responsive Classroom practices, our breath work is proactive – as we settle into morning meeting or gather for a story. It’s grounding, calming, restorative, and fairly quick. The pay-offs are huge – children find their place on the carpet, channel or stir energy needed for brief group time, and learn (consciously and subconsciously) that they can control their bodies in positive ways. On the other side, we also use pranayama as a tool to help children react or respond when they are feeling out of control.
Meditation Station
The “Meditation Station” is one of those vehicles used to help gain control. It’s a place to go to when you feel like you need some time alone. It’s a choice a child can make when they begin (or are fully) losing control. If it’s not available, the breath work we do as a group can be easily done on our own, no matter where you might be. And they do.
Last week, on one of our “small class” days, I took my children to the hall with pillows, so that I could show them “Legs Up Wall” or Viparita Karani. We managed to line up, heads on pillows and 18″ legs stretched upward. When I suggested hands on bellies to feel the air rising, one response was, “hey….just like we do with da duckies!” (Earlier in the year, we practiced deep breathing by trying to rise and lower rubber ducks on our bellies.)
As we sat on the floor and focused quietly (with giggles) on our breath, we talked about how this really calms our bodies and lets our legs and backs rest. A few adults walked by and chuckled, and we continued sitting with our legs against the wall as if it was perfectly normal.
Legs-Up-the-Wall
Demands on my personal and professional life have been running high over the past several weeks. It’s been my own yoga practice and the gift of laughter and love of these preschoolers that has helped keep me focused and breathing deeply when I start to feel overwhelmed. I know much of what we do in the room is sticking. When I spotted that four-year-old walking around the playground, deliberately tapping each finger once to his thumb as he exhaled, “sa-ta-na-ma,” I smiled, witnessing one of our meditations in action. Last week, a parent shared a story about how her older child tends to bottle his frustration and then explode. The younger sib, a preschooler noted, “he needs to just do some breathing and he’ll feel better.” Wow.
So while teaching children how to identify feelings, express their needs and desires, make and sustain friendship and a whole host of other social skills are utterly necessary, we owe children a smidge more. In this age of 24/7 information, Tiger Parenting, multiple video and audio inputs, and over-scheduled calendars are the norm. Adults are in the unique and necessary position to teach children how to slow down; the barrage of information and demands for attention only increase with age, and we must help equip our children to manage these layers.
Modeling and practicing strategies to proactively and reactively develop greater self-awareness and self-regulation are easy to over look – especially when we are challenged to call upon these skills ourselves. Whether it’s showing them the beauty, wonder and quiet of the outdoors, how to breathe, or how to let go of the little things, they need us to do that, and we need to do that for ourselves.
Children need to see a range of emotions from adults and positive, healthy ways we manage the emotions, joys and stresses in life. I’m grateful to share each morning with my wee-ones, and even more grateful when I see them taking these tiny but hugely significant steps that help them navigate the challenges of the present moment and what lies ahead.
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Family Editor's Welcome: April 15th-April 30th, 2012
The Myth of Free Time
By Sarah Hamaker, Raising a Family Editor
In the fall, all four of my children will be in school, albeit not all full-time (my youngest will be in a three-day preschool program). Whenever this comes up in conversation, the enviable response is, “What will you do with all of your free time?”
Ah, free time—that mythical land to which every mother longs to go. As someone who currently works part-time from home, I rarely have free time now, and I don’t anticipate that changing once the children are in school.
I think the bigger question is what does this say about the current view of mothering. My mother stayed at home, but her time wasn’t consumed by doing for—or entertaining—me. Sure, household chores ate up some time, but once we were older than three, time spent in childcare dropped considerably for women of my mother’s generation.
That kind of mothering has fallen out of favor, and with it the rise of no time, free or otherwise. I am grateful for my mother’s example, for it gives me the fortitude to follow in her footsteps. Direct care of my children has lessened as they age; correspondingly, time I spend taking care of the household has also dropped as the children have picked up more of the cleaning chores.
In turn, that has allowed me to pick up some of the things that I put on hold when the children first arrived: reading, writing, knitting and sewing, for example.
While I’m looking forward to a quieter house next fall, I won’t have to worry about how to fill my suddenly “free time” since my time has always been mine to fill. I’ll take the 24 hours given to us each day and try to use it wisely—just like I do now.
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Family Editor's Welcome: April 9th-April 15th, 2012
Observe and Imagine, Part Two: Super Heroes and Powers
By Lisa Dewey Wells, Raising a Family Editor
exploring super powers
In the last post, Observe and Imagine, Part 1, the idea of imaginary play and super heroes revealed the often blurry line between fantasy and real life in the minds of preschoolers. But there’s more to the story.
Once I determined that not everyone was clear that while pretending to be somebody else, our class guidelines and expectations were suppose to guide us, we were able to more deeply explore those guidelines. It wasn’t an easy path to travel, but once we did, got to do some truly interactive imaginary play. And grapple with the super powers we’re all possessed with, but often fail to recognize.
(There were some history lessons in there, too! This part dates me, and probably many of you, because really, how many kids out there know what a phone booth is?)
original Superman...a far cry from cartoons of today
We began with talking about ways superheros from today’s media use their powers. Having not spent much time in the past several years watching children’s tv (nor did I ever watch much…but I knew enough to know what I did NOT want my kids watching), I was a bit surprised. Much of the Buzz Lightyear story line was the same, but was it somehow blurred with Cars in the minds of these preschoolers? Or did Pixar really overlap some of the plots and characters? I couldn’t answer that one, but it became clear that the basic mission of superheroes seemed be consistent both historically and with what is generally accepted:
"What are Superheroes?"
"Ways Superheroes Use their Powers"
However, what was striking was the ways in which superheroes act. Whether it’s “really” what is seen on tv or whether it is the way those images are perceived in a preschooler’s mind, the connotations that “good guys” can do what they want and disregard the rules, can be the source of conflict and undesirable social behaviors, particularly in young children who are just learning to internalize the rules and self-regulate. What I was hearing (and heard from dozens of other kids over the years) is that it was “okay” for superheroes to hurt others in the name of saving someone. Or just ‘cuz they are Superheroes (proper noun). Which begs the bigger question of whether or not it’s okay to harm someone because you hold the power and/or authority. I wasn’t going there. Not yet. Maybe ever. Just listen to what some experts think on this juicy topic by clicking here.
In a 2003 article, Beyond Banning War and Superhero Play: Meeting Children’s Needs in Violent Times, Diane Levin asserts that preschoolers use war play to “work out an understanding of experience, including the violence to which they are exposed.” This can lead to both therapeutic and cognitive growth as they struggle to work out and understand conflicting ideas – another good reason to establish a climate for imaginary play. Children also have a need to feel powerful – whether it’s in the words they use, their own physical skills or in they way they engage in imaginary play. Levin continues, and the research supports, the idea that children use “war play to help them feel powerful and safe” and often these are “the children who feel the most powerless and vulnerable.”
Knowing these children as I do, I am confident the kids most interested in acting out war play are not personally exposed to dangerous situations or people, but rather are those who are exposed to media violence (cartoons, movies, digital media, etc.). But watching tv is not child’s play. It requires some carefully thought and even a little soul-searching as to what you want for your child. Consider these two reports:
- A 1994 National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) report stated that “much of what children watch on television is not specifically intended for children” – as much as 90% of what they watch. Read the entire Position Statement on Media Violence in Children’s Lives.
- The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that preschoolers need to participate in nonscreen media experiences that promote language development, socialization, imagination, and physical activity.”
Read the studies. Consider what you want for your child. Then make your choice and stand by it. I’m not saying it’s easy, because it’s simply not. But the choices you make today have a lasting impact. More immediately, their daily play reveals what they see and what they are sorting out.
After a couple more days discussing super heroes and their powers, I happen to mention that in “the old days” superheroes did take care of people, but that the superheros I knew when I was a kid, saved people and did far less hurting of others. Heads turned. Hands went over mouths. And one small, skeptical voice said, “So what’s so super about that?”
“Well, ” I began, “each of us has our own super powers. It’s how we choose to use them that makes us super or someone who hurts other or something in between.” The ensuing conversation gave me a sense of relief that those who previously didn’t think “bad guys” had feelings and/or that they deserved to be hurt, were starting to see people as people. I went on to tell them that the “original” Superman was a regular guy who went to work in a suit and hat. When he needed his superpowers, he went into a phone booth and changed into his Super Man suit. Adults old enough to remember this giggled as the passed by our room, particularly when I attempted to explain the whole phone booth part.
To help illustrate my point that we can all call upon on super powers, and to provide us with the feel of a phone booth, we set to work planning how to build one.
Next week, I’ll tell you how these:
Superman's Phone Booth
…became Superman’s phone booth and let us harness our own super powers.
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Family Editor's Welcome: April 1st-April 7th, 2012
Observe and Imagine, Part One
By Lisa Dewey Wells, Raising a Family Editor
One of the qualities of good teaching is solid and honest observational skills. When we suspend judgment and simply watch children, they reveal so much to us. Their emotions and ideas are revealed in raw and authentic ways, particularly when the established environment and relationships lend themselves to a sense of belonging and significance within the group. With this back drop in place, young children are freed to deepen relationships, explore, and grow.
A quick peek into a classroom may look like simple play, but there is a complex infrastructure set up to foster that sense of belonging and significance and to beckon children to explore materials and ideas. Such provocations arise from listening to and observing children. As this work unfolds, both adults and children are poised to gain new knowledge and closer relationships within their community.
Recently, a pattern in imaginative play became apparent as observed a group of children and reflected on a series of notes. Much like other groups of three- and four-year olds, I noticed a growing interest in and propensity for super hero play. At first, it was simple dialogues- short queries that kept me up to date on Buzz Lightyear and Transformer trivia. It was apparent that this group shares a certain history in watching these videos, and a collective depth of knowledge. Little by little, the conversations with me expanded to peer-to-peer dialogue. And then were disagreements over seminal facts that often stumped me (Is Bumblebee a vehicle from Cars or part of Transformers? Depends on who you ask.). In the tradition of oral story telling, these stories were exaggerated, dramatized or expanded upon by the narrator, and seemed to change slightly with each iteration. While this was intriguing to me, it sparked passionate discourse among preschoolers. In an effort to quell the debate, I suggested some illustrations might let everyone share their ideas of this particular storyline. (Photos to follow in a subsequent post…limited Internet service is causing some technical difficulties.)
sketching Batman
Research tells us this imitative imaginative play is one of the early stages in play scenarios and social play. By age 3-4, children have experience using materials in ways that represent what they have experienced – feeding a doll, push a fire truck, roaring like a lion. Using these external themes, Children can act out short themes by themselves or alongside a peer. There may be a clear, concrete plan, but as children get deeply engaged, they also become hyper-focused. Their ideas are their own and it’s hard to see the point of view of others. (e.g. The debate prior to sketching Buzz Lightyear). Nancy Carlsson Paige and Diane Levin, in their book, Who’s Calling the Shots describe this play as “more like static slides than a movie.” Children are engaged in their play and not the real world. Things are black and white, Good guys and bad guys exist and it’s just that cut-and-dry.
By observing the content and progression of this type of play, it was clear that a critical mass of children were exploring those typical aspects of play – good versus evil, power, and social interaction. This play is rich with learning opportunities. While it’s important for children to learn to navigate play together, it is still essential to keep a close eye and ear to what was going on behind the scenes. And the more I did that, the clearer it was that we had a dilemma brewing: how can we explore these seminal issues of power, use if imagination, and social justice themes while still abiding by our class guidelines that keep everyone safe and having fun?
Soon thereafter, we revisited our class guidelines at Morning Meeting. I asked, what’s one way you take care of friends when you play?” Responses were spot-on:
Be nice
Share stuff
Ask ‘em to play
I pushed further: How can you take care of friends when you’re imagining to be someone else?
Silence.
Whoops. This was over their heads. At three and four, applying conventional rules to pretend roles didn’t compute. I had to back up.
The next day, I started with small group conversations comparing pretend and real life. Some children did seem to understand that pretend is imaginary but we still have to take care, be safe, be respectful. Others seemed to think that pretending to be a dog, a mom, a superhero meant you transcends the rules of everyday humans. For the most part, chronological age correlated with how children saw the intersection of pretend and our rules. Those closer to four could see the connection, with some help; the younger ones were adamant that imaginary play offered them amnesty from rules.
Clearly, my language and strategies had to shift.
I began to phrase things like, “animals in the wild might fight and scratch, but in school, when we are pretending to be animals, we need to be safe.”Many days passed with this kind of direct identification, and I began to see and hear how more children understood that pretend isn’t a get out of jail card in the rules of life.
Stop back next week for the follow-up on how this story unfolds to include our own super heroes.
Meanwhile, if you want to read more, see Who’s Calling the Shots? How to,Respond Effectively to Children’s Fascination with War Play and War Toys
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Family Editor's Welcome: March 16th-31st, 2012
Merry-Go-Round: Old Fashioned Fun
By Sarah Hamaker, Raising a Family Editor
With March proving to be delightful in the weather department, we’ve been visiting playgrounds recently. On one visit, for nearly the entire half hour or so we were there, my three oldest children played on one piece of equipment: the merry-go-round. Laughter, squeals of pretend terror, sheer joy on the faces of the children hanging on for dear life as other kids ran as fast as they could in the grooved circle—what could be a better picture of childhood?
Nearly every non-preschooler who came to the playground made a beeline directly for the merry-go-round. I sat on a nearby bench and watched the interplay between the kids, and was heartened to see everyone getting along. Chants of “Push us, push us,” were answered by someone leaping off and racing around. When my youngest son (age 3) got on and then decided he wanted off shortly after the rotations began, a kid yelled, “Stop, someone wants to get off,” and they slowed to allow my son to slid off.
What other piece of equipment can teach children how to get along with one another better than a merry-go-round? There’s so many life lessons to be learned while spinning until you’re dizzy.
But we adults have over-reacted to the merry-go-round’s potential harm by suing playground equipment manufacturers, and cities and schools that had parks with merry-go-rounds installed. Sure some kids have gotten hurt on merry-go-rounds, but what I find more disturbing is our increasing desire to wrap our children in cotton wool to avoid any booboos or skinned knees (hence the tendency to make them wear knee and elbow pads while bike riding or rollerblading).
No one wants our children to get hurt psychically, and we should put a stop to obviously dangerous things. On the other hand, giving children the freedom to spread their wings and fly around the world on a merry-go-round can be wonderful to their own development.
Let them see the world outside is to be explored and conquered, not feared and avoided. Let them experience the joys and pains of mastering things like bike riding and monkey bars. Let them view the world from a different perspective by climbing trees or hanging upside from the swing set.
Sure, you might have to stock up on band-aids and kiss a few more hurts, but if you can resist the urge to place your children inside a bubble, you might just find out that they are tougher than you think. Hearing your children describe their outdoor adventures can be a priceless experience in itself.
So keep the cotton wool safely tucked away, and go find a park with a merry-go-round, but I’d avoid jumping on board unless you have a stomach of iron. Some things are better left to the kids.
Sarah Hamaker is a freelance writer and editor, and author of Hired@Home, a guide to unlocking women’s work-from-home potential now available on Kindle. Her stories have appeared in previous Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Sarah lives in Virginia with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.sarahhamaker.com, where she blogs about working from home.
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Family Editor's Welcome: March 9th-15th, 2012
6 Easy Things to Teach and Practice Focus
By Lisa Dewey Wells, Raising a Family Editor
Last week’s blog, Focus, offered some background on focus, mindfulness and executive function. This week’s blog focuses (bad play on words, I know!) on a few quick activities that can be easily used to help build focus in young children. With some minor tweaking and creativity, they can also be adapted with older children.
It’s easy to bring more focus into your day with young children with just a bit of planning and thought. The first step is to ready yourself to be focused. Be clear on your priorities, both long- and short-term. Be mindful of the values, rituals and goals you have for your child. Keeping in mind your beliefs and hopes, as well as what is developmentally appropriate for children at any given age. Of course, you also need to take an honest look at your unique child. Not every child is born to be a soccer player, to read at age five, to play an instrument with grace and skill, nor be destined for an ivy league college. But each child has his own gifts and talents, ready to be acknowledged and celebrated, as well as growing edges and needs that require your nurturing support. Read the literature on what to expect at each age and stage; suggestion can be found on the Book Shelf and below and think about the path you and your child are taking.
Hopefully, you can carve out time everyday to be focused and present with your child, or others. As Jon Kabat-Zinn said,
“The little things? The little moments? They aren’t little.”
Children watch, learn and develop their own habits and outlook by watching those closest to them. Do they have the opportunity to see you focused and calm?
One you’ve got yourself focused, here are six things you can do to help develop focus in young children:
1. Give ‘Em Jobs – Putting on coats independently, sorting laundry by color, finishing what’s on their plate before getting more (or desert), walking the dog, putting groceries away. Raise the bar, give them some time and encouragement – see what they can accomplish. Don’t expect perfect, just approximation!
2. Stop and Start – With little guys, try Stop/Start – Old fashion games like “Red Light/Green Light” or Freeze Dance or “What time is it Mr. Fox?” let children practice moving and stopping. Sometimes inhibiting action is a tough, but making it fun helps secretly develop the mental wiring that leads to self-control. With older children, give them the space and expectation to mono-task – a puzzle, a walk, a game, setting the table. No screens, no music, no distractions.
3. Speaking and Listening – Practice taking turns listening and speaking. Tough task with kids, for sure! One of the most easily accessible activities in Tools of the Mind is modeling what a reader and a listener both do. By providing a photo of an ear and a mouth, children have a concrete visual reminder of what their task is – and have a greater likelihood of inhibiting the impulse to talk when they are the listener and to “reading” the pictures or words when it is their turn.
4. Play – Yes, play. Old-fashion play with puzzles, sorting games, imaginary play that lets kids develop their own story line (not the latest Disney movie story line). Nothing fancy, but if you are looking for flash, test drive computer games ahead of time to see what it really asks of a child. Ditto for TV. It’s not always all bad, so look for content that is age-appropriate and meaningful. Preview or watch with your child to discuss elements of the show – can s/he recall characters’ names? Sequence events? Both require activation of working memory.
5. Breathe – Sounds simple enough, but taking a few minutes throughout the day to get grounded and breath deeply goes a long way. I see this every day with children – whether they are physically worn out, emotionally drained or exuding energy at a time they need focus, working with them to breathe deeply and fully enables them to focus on what is immediately ahead. This works wonders for adults, too!
6. Look in the Mirror (or smart phone) - Gallinsky cites a “time famine” wherein we are all strapped for time, energy and resources. Take a critical look at your own time and how you use it. Can you model for your children being more fully present? To stop when you say you’re stopping (years ago my kids figured out that “five minutes” in Mom Speak is “more like a half hour!”) Consider disconnecting for a period of time every night so you can give your full attention and focus to your family. Your kids will appreciate it, and you might even find some of what comes in can sit untouched in your in box!
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Family Editor's Welcome: March 1st-8th, 2012
Focus
By Lisa Dewey Wells, Raising a Family Editor
The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Focus. Mindfulness.
Often hard to establish.
Often hard to maintain.
But how do we teach focus to children if we have trouble ourselves? How do we embrace them with mindfulness with others if we cannot obtain that ourselves?
I’ve been thinking loads about how to foster this behavior in children, but ironically, found myself having greater difficulty staying focused on teaching, writing, homework, and a handful of other duties. I tried to bring my mind back to the task at hand, it occurred to me that one of the most obvious similarities between yoga and teaching young children, is the teaching and practicing focus and mindfulness.
The trick is, most of us are challenged every day by a flood by multiple sources of information nearly 24 hours a day. Despite all the benefits technology brings, our collective ability to mono-task is easily impaired. Don’t believe me? Google “mono task” “digital age” “focus”. Spare yourself the distraction and read ”Attached to Technology and Paying a Price.”
We’re all doing it – losing focus in an effort to do more. For folks like me, it might be time to stop doing it – all of it – for ourselves and for the ones who are watching us on a more regular basis. Perhaps we need to practice those Executive Function skills related to focus and self-control so that what we model for young children serves them, and us.
(What the heck is Executive Function? It’s set of skills your brain uses to do all the other stuff you do. The prefrontal cortex and frontal lobe tells all the other parts of the brain what to do – things you do every day like – memory, attention, focus, inhibition, problem solving,multi-tasking, monitoring of action.
Science tells us that the maturation of the prefrontal cortex and frontal lobe occurs at age of 25 or later. It’s also is a vivid reminder that we cannot expect our children to act rationally or logically nor even with much self-control. But we can – and must – help them develop those skills beginning early on.
One of the best resources on this topic is Ellen Galinsky’s Mind in the Making. This is a research-rich book that reads much like a conversation with a trusted friend unfolds. Gallinsky’s research outlines seven “essential life skills” ranging from focus to engaged learning. The book also supports the work of Tools of the Mind – a Vygotskian approach to early childhood rooted in provided children with the tools and practice they need to develop self-regulation and greater autonomy. Both books offer ways to explore young children’s capacity to focus. Either are worth a read if the topic is on your mind, too.
Check back next week for 6 easy things you can do to teach and practice focus in young children, as well as more resources.
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Family Editor's Welcome: February 15th-29th, 2012
Stepping Back, Not Forward
By Sarah Hamaker, Raising a Family Editor
You’re on the playground and your five-year-old son pushes another boy down while playing a game of tag. You see children being children, no harm done; the other mother sees a playground bully preying on her child.
As any mother can attest, situations like the one above are fraught with drama. If you’re the mother of the pusher, you can feel judged and embarrassed. If you’re the mother of the pushee, you can feel angry and scared for your child’s wellbeing.
That scenario happened to me earlier this week, with my son being the one who pushed another child down while playing a game with a group of boys, all around the same age. Boys of a certain age tend to be play a bit rough. None of the boys were being mean or vicious—and I keep a close eye on my two boys to ensure their play does not stray into that territory. I know my oldest son can get carried away with his play and become too rough, and I try to nip that tendency in the bud.
I feel in general that we as parents, and particularly as mothers, have become oversensitive about our expectations for our children’s behavior and the behavior of other children. With the pushing incident, I felt the other mother wanted me to discipline my child for something I wasn’t even sure he had done. The other mother was visibly upset and angry, even though her son was back playing as if nothing had happened.
Sometimes, we strive too hard to please everyone with our parenting—and that can lead to us to make mistakes and not parent effectively. Sometimes, it’s harder to let children be children, and to let them work through their own squabbles without interfering.
My goal with my children has been to be as hands-off as possible, to let them figure things out on their own whenever possible, to train them how to resolve conflicts as they grow (and with siblings, there’s plenty of opportunity for that!), and to just be kids. Allowing our kids the chance to grow in their own can be a beautiful thing. That doesn’t mean we turn them completely loose, or that we ignore bad behavior, but that we step back from them more often than we step forward into their lives.
And keeping a little perspective on the playground, helps, too.
Sarah Hamaker is a freelance writer and editor, and author of Hired@Home, a guide to unlocking women’s work-from-home potential now available on Kindle. Her stories have appeared in previous Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Sarah lives in Virginia with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.sarahhamaker.com, where she blogs about working from home.
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Family Editor's Welcome: February 1st- 15th, 2012
You Live, You Learn
By Lisa Dewey Wells, Raising a Family Editor
Alanis Morissette sings,
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn
And when you really, really want to learn, you'll do any of these things. Or more. Sometimes it's finding what you want to learn that's the hardest part.
Belonging. Significance. Fun. Three essential elements for learning and growth articulated by Abraham Maslow in his work to explain mental health and the human potential in the field of humanistic psychology. I wrote about how these three words are seminal foundation for learning in Persistence, Mastery and Confidence and Take a Leap and Trait #3: Self-Reliance and Confidence. Since those posts, I've come across a book that give more anecdotes and observations that support how adults can learn from kids what motivates them to do their best.
Education Week featured Kathleen Cushman's Fires in the Mind and hosted a book discussion, both of which caught my eye. Cushman is a skilled writer whose voice and passion for the topic engages readers, but it's the genuine and thoughtful words of the teens she interviews that makes this book so compelling. These teens rise to the challenge of self-reflection and teach us (teachers and parents) what it takes to help kids find, pursue and gain mastery in their chosen fields.
As many teachers of young children know, it's often easy to ignite the passion for learning early in a child's life. Little folks are wired to ask questions and explore. As children move into elementary years, skilled teachers and parents can sustain that excitement while teaching children the importance of balancing (and tackling) self-selected inquiry with the "other stuff" you have to do in life. Ideally, we learn to take care of the "have tos" so we can get to the "want tos."
Or, we find ways to make the "have tos" intriguing, interesting, and meaningful which blurs the line between "have to" and "want to." As children move into adolescence, their bodies and minds explode with changes that lead them to question their abilities, challenge the rules, push boundaries and often, fail to recognize (or at least doubt) their strengths. Adults who understand both child development and what it takes to identify and support teens interest can help smooth this rocky road and develop life-long habits of work and passion.
Cushman's book is worth picking up if you're interested in supporting teens in what excites them - or if you need a few reminders yourself about tapping your talents and interests. Know a tween/teen who is tapping his or her talents? Post a comment to share their story!
Like what you read? Read more at www.wonderofchildren.wordpress.com or give it a like on Facebook (Wonder of Children).
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