The Creativity of Boredom

Can anything good come out of being bored? The answer may surprise you.

With summer right around the corner, parents will soon hear cries of “I’m bored” from their children. But is being bored such a terrible thing?

Boredom is a relatively new thing, as children of previous centuries had not free time in which to be bored. In fact, if a medieval times child had displayed boredom symptoms, the person would be charged with committing “acedia, a ‘dangerous form of spiritual alienation’—a devaluing of the world and its creator.” Acedia was labeled as sin, what with all the things a family had to do for mere survival during that time period.

With the many labor-saving devices of our American households, most U.S. children have the luxury of free time, which they tend to fill with electronics. However, that constant stream of electronic stimuli has breed a new boredom epidemic, one that’s fueled by an ever-growing need of kids for constant electronic amusement, from video games to television and movies to Angry Birds to iPads and computers.

Parents are partly to blame for this new, negative form of a numbed mind because of their lack of tolerance for any whining from their children. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen toddlers in a grocery cart, their eyes fixed on the screen of their mom’s smartphone, oblivious to the world around them. At the first peep from a young child at the doctor’s office, out comes the smartphone and into the little hands goes the electronic babysitter.

Of course, we as parents are no different, are we? We numb our own minds with electronic stimuli all day long, from constant Facebook and Twitter checks, to texting while walking, driving, sitting at a traffic light, at the table, at the store, etc. It’s starting to be the exception when you see a grown-up in public who’s not tethered to a phone or tablet (that would be me!).

When our kids see us always being “entertained” and plugged in with electronic devices, it’s no wonder they beg for the same pacifier. We’ve forgotten how important the right kind of boredom can be to stimulate creativity and spurts of pure fun and genius.

There’s “an important distinction between a constructively bored mind and a negatively numbed mind. Constructively bored kids eventually turn to a book or build a fort or pull out the paints … and create or come home sweaty from a game of neighborhood basketball,” writes Richard Louv in his excellent call for kids to be outdoors, Last Child in the Woods.

This summer, I challenge you to unplug your kids for a week. No TV, no video games, no movies, no smartphones or computers or tablets. Just them and their world. Sure, the first day will be spent with them saying they have nothing to do, but if you persevere and don’t give in, soon they will find their imaginations again, and that will be a beautiful thing.

For non-electronic ideas, check out my ebook Boredom Busters. Only 99 cents on Kindle and iPad, Nook and other devices.

And don't forget to check out the current Raising a Family Writing Contest.

Nobility and Cupcakes

Grade-schoolers love to party. Every holiday, every class event, every birthday requires a celebration. And celebrations require food. And food requires parents.

There was a time I embraced this call to the kitchen on my children’s behalf. Not to brag, but baking is in my blood. The first recipe I mastered was for chocolate chip cookies. Then I moved onto pies, cakes, muffins, brownies and eventually dabbled in the “official” food groups one has to eat to get to dessert. I was ready for my oldest to party at school.

Or so I thought.

I baked all day, pouring batter into cute little cupcake wrappers purchased just for the occasion. I frosted the cupcakes a kid-friendly pink and dusted them with sprinkles purchased just for the occasion. And when my recipe that promised to make 24 cupcakes made only 21, I returned to the store. And when I dropped one of the cupcakes, needing a 25^th cute little cupcake wrapper, I returned to the store.

I was done around midnight – hating all things cute and cake.

The next morning, I had to transport my masterpieces to school. Moving 24 top-heavy, frosted pastries wasn’t simple. I scrubbed out my muffin tins and reinserted the cupcakes as if they were enriched and slightly unstable uranium. I laid protective cellophane over the top, which clung to everything but the pan and gouged a cupcake. I remedied this by dipping it in sprinkles. Sprinkles cover all sins.

The cupcakes needed babysitters to survive the car ride and my babysitters were all babies. Fortunately, I’m a resourceful control freak. I drove 20 miles under the speed limit with a cupcake tin balanced on my lap, another wedged in the passenger seat, and an angry commuting mob riding my bumper. It wasn’t safe but I was no longer rational. Those cupcakes were my calorie-laden children.

Getting to school was one thing. Getting the cupcakes into the building was another. Both my kids and my baked goods required me to ferry them across the parking lot. I decided to take my kids across first. Barely. After conscripting the school secretary to watch them, I delivered the cupcakes to the classroom. I went home exhausted, coated in frosting and splattered with sprinkles.

Repeat this about eight dozen times and you get the last eight years of my mommyhood. Always midnight, always frustrated, always leaving in a powdered-sugar huff.

I remember the first time I saw a mother dropping off a box of purchased cupcakes professionally sprinkled according to the occasion. She looked relaxed – like she had slept, showered and drove the speed limit. I couldn’t help thinking, CHEATER. Now I think, SMART!

I’ve discovered kids only care about three things when it comes to party treats:  I want one, I want the best one, I want another one. They don’t care if you or the Keebler Elves made them. Besides, after extra mixes, extra eggs, extra tins, extra frosting, extra sprinkles (which are the price per ounce of gold), and extra-strength Tylenol, the elves beat you on price every time.

Baking is noble, but the only thing required for a successful grade school celebration is enough identical goodies for every kid in the class. Nobility has its line. And for class parties, that line starts at the bakery.

And don't forget to check out the current Raising a Family Writing Contest.

Parental Vision

How would you describe your child at age 30? How you answer that question tells about your parenting vision for your children.

I can almost guarantee not one of you reading this blog said:

• Graduate at the top of his high school or college class
• Get into an Ivy league school
• Play a professional sport
• Have a fancy house or a high-paying job.

I’ll bet you listed things like:

• Honest
• Hard working
• Responsible
• Respectful
• Loving
• Godly
• Truthful.

All those are characteristics. These are character traits, not achievements.

Think about the vision you have for your children and then think about how you are parenting. Do your decisions as a parent reflect the vision you have for your kids? Do the things you encourage your children to accomplish build toward the vision you have for them as adults?

When you have a clear vision for your children, then your parenting decisions will come easier. Taking the long view of raising kids will help you in the short term.

I encourage you to talk with your spouse and write down the vision you have for your child as a 30-year-old. Then post it somewhere in the house for you and your spouse to look at on a regular basis.

Now whenever you wonder what to do about discipline, consequences, addressing behavior, and virtually any parental decision, think about that vision. For example, if your child shirks his chores, remember that you want him to be hard working and responsible. That should assist you in your correction of his behavior.

If your child is being mean to her sibling, keep in mind you want her to grow up to be loving and act accordingly. If you aim the parental arrow of discipline to the bulls eye of that vision and shoot, even if you miss the center, you’ll still be shooting within the range of your vision.

Having a vision for your kids and keeping that vision in mind as you parent will get you over both the rough and smooth patches of child-rearing. What is your vision?

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah with Parenting Question in the subject line. Sign up for Practical Parenting, Sarah’s a free, monthly e-newsletter with commonsense advice on child rearing, by visiting www.parentcoachnova.com and clicking on the newsletter tab.

Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She’s also a freelance writer and editor. Sarah lives in Fairfax, Va., with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.parentcoachnova.com and follow her on Twitter @novaparentcoach.

And don't forget to check out the current Raising a Family Writing Contest.

Being a Mom Practitioner

My son awoke with a 102.6 fever, dizziness and no appetite. I took one look at his throat and called the doctor.

“What’s he coming in for?” the nurse asked.

“He has Strep Throat.”

Not “I think he has it.”  I know he has it. He needed antibiotics, probably Keflex, or my whole house was going down.

Sure enough, three hours later, the doctor called it a “textbook Strep case” and some time after lunch, my son was grimacing down “the pink stuff”.

Look, I’m not a doctor, but I am what I like to call a Mom Practitioner. I never went to medical school but after a dozen years of nursing my kiddies through sore throats, bad coughs, troubled tummies, itchy rashes and Spring Fever, I can triage like a pro.

Pink Eye? First try. Stomach Flu? Know what to do. Influenza? No problema.

My fellow Mom Practitioners and I know how to clean a wound, clean an ear, clean a nose. We know what to feed a kid to get them to go, to stop them from going and to regulate their going. We can take a temperature in three different places on the body and dose Tylenol to weight. We know when to check for fever and how to tell the difference between a viral rash and an allergic one. We know the loose cough, the tight cough and which one requires a doctor’s trip.

I didn’t always know these things. When my eldest was born I was both clueless and squeamish. My hands shook when I tried to trim her fingernails and I fretted when a hic-cup spell lasted longer than an hour.

My medical training came through the school of mistakes and overreactions—unnecessary doctor visits, frantic phone calls to after-hour hotlines, ill-advised trips to the ER, being told 912 times, “It’s a virus.”  I paid my dues in wasted co-payments.

I’ve been hood-winked by bad doctors, educated by great ones, and enlightened by dozens of nurses. I’ve done my rounds in the sleep-deprived fields of parenthood, learning to read my children’s eyes and attitudes as well as their temperatures.

I discovered kids become asymptomatic in front of a doctor, so I take good notes. I know my oldest can run a 103 fever without blinking an eye but if my son runs the same fever he is on the verge of death.

More times than not, I know who to see, when to see them and, most of all, what can be handled at home.

This means I go to the pediatrician less now than ever. If I’m in the waiting room, you know it’s way beyond a humidifier and a Tylenol.

As I waited for my son’s positive Strep results, I started thinking. What if they gave us Mom Practitioners a Commonsense Antibiotic Pass?

If we know what it is, let us call it in. If we have one kid down with Strep or Pink Eye, trust us to know when the other kids have it. Why come in the office, take up precious appointments, and PAY for what we already know? This way there would be more time for the doctors to deal with the really scary stuff.

And less time my poor kid would have to wait for the pink stuff.

How do you handle TV viewing in your home? And don't forget to check out the current Raising a Family Writing Contest.

Taking a Hard Look at TV

I’ve always been amazed by how so many parents get so defensive about their children’s television viewing habits. I’ve heard impassioned speeches of why watching Sesame Street is okay (“He learned his numbers!”), why Animal Kingdom is fine (“Last night was all about lions!”), and why Dora the Explorer is good (“She heard about why sharing is important!”).

Then there’s the parents who can’t imagine how anyone with a toddler or infant got anything done around the house without TV. “I had to take a shower,” or “I needed to cook dinner” have been frequent reasons for why said child is parked in front of the television.

Now research is catching up to what our grandmothers know instinctively: TV viewing should be a treat, not a daily occurrence. (And before you ask, yes, the TV in our house stays off for the entire day most days—even in the evening when the kids are in bed). Here are some highlights to get you thinking about your own TV viewing—and that of your children.

Early childhood viewing has been linked to later attention problems, including ADHD, while the American Academy of Pediatrics gets it right when it advises no TV viewing at all for kids under 2. Television often replaces reading. The University of Michigan Health reports that “Kids from families that have the TV on a lot spend less time reading and being read to, and are less likely to be able to read.”

TV viewing’s impact on school performance has long-term effects, such as increasing the chances of dropping out of school and declining chances of graduating from college. As one study put it, “All television shows, even educational non-commercial shows, replace physical activity in your child's life.”

A December 2012 Science Daily report found that the average American child between the ages of 8 and 18 sat in front of the television around 4.5 hours a day. Four and a half hours daily. “There was a stronger association between having a TV in the bedroom versus TV viewing time, with the adiposity and health outcomes,” wrote study co-author Dr. Amanda Staiano.

“A bedroom TV may create additional disruptions to healthy habits, above and beyond regular TV viewing. For instance, having a bedroom TV is related to lower amounts of sleep and lower prevalence of regular family meals, independent of total TV viewing time. Both short sleep duration and lack of regular family meals have been related to weight gain and obesity,” noted Dr. Staiano.

Another 2012 study reported in The Huffington Post found that children have exposure to background TV close to four hours daily, which expert say would likely hinder their development. “The sheer amount of exposure is startling,” said study author Jessica Taylor Piotrowski, an assistant professor with the Amsterdam School of Communication Research at the University of Amsterdam.

Even more troubling, children under the age of 2 had more exposure to background TV daily: five and a half hours. “Experimental studies have shown that background TV exposure has been linked to lower attention when kids are playing and weaker parent-child interactions,” said Piotrowski in The Huffington Post.

Dr. Michael Rich, an associate professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School and director of the Center on Media and Child Health, noted that background TV effects both parents and kids. “We do know that when parents have a TV on, the level of communication drops dramatically,” he said. “We can't just say, 'Oh, it's nothing. It's just background [TV].’ It's in our field, and it's designed to grab and keep re-grabbing [children’s] attention.”

What do these studies mean for parents? At the very least, I think we should all take a good, hard look at all TV viewing—educational, recreational and background—and curtail the amount of time our kids are exposed to television.

How do you handle TV viewing in your home? And don't forget to check out the current Raising a Family Writing Contest.

Bracing for Braces

I heard the words every parent dreads.

“Your child needs braces.”

I knew it was coming. I don’t know a parent who, after playing Tooth Fairy for years, doesn’t think their child has messed up teeth.

Fortunately, our dentist is a practical man. The one time I dared ask about the crooked smile on my sweet child, he told me he would keep an eye on it. Jaws grow and it takes a while to know.

Well, guess what? This winter, he knew.

I’ve never had braces, which is as close as I’ve come to winning the lottery. My baby brother and I had naturally straight teeth and spot-on bites. My other five siblings, however, had braces, retainers, palette spreaders, headgears and all sorts of medieval-looking devices.

Although I didn’t experience it firsthand, I helped with the dumpster diving that went into recovering retainers left at restaurants, waited hours at the orthodontist, and took advantage of my siblings being in too much pain to play with their sorry-you-had-four-teeth-pulled Rubik’s Snake.

The truth was I felt bad for my kid.

We met with the orthodontist. He said if we didn’t correct the problem, the teeth would continue to shift, causing bite problems, health problems and eventually tooth loss. He laid out his game plan. It wasn’t too awful. No oral surgery or headgears or spreaders. Just 18 months of braces and a lifetime of retainer wear.

He stressed to my son that wearing his retainer would be key, otherwise all the work would be for nothing. True. My brace-wearing siblings who were not retainer-wearing adults all experienced this shift.

So far, this sounded like a solid plan. The orthodontist left the room and his cheerful assistant sat down to discuss the cost.

This is where I blacked out momentarily.

She laid out an 18-month plan of lumps sums, monthly payments, penalties and paperwork. I nodded absently, thinking of my parents.

How did they do this five times over? No wonder my father hasn’t retired yet. And why are all my siblings still alive? Because I would have murdered the child who didn’t wear her retainer after I plunked down that much cash.

The lady gave my hand a little squeeze, a sympathetic smile on her face.

“I know. It’s a lot.”

Then she asked when I wanted to schedule an appointment.

I looked at my son, whose face held enough little boy to pull my heartstrings. Of course, I didn’t want him to lose his teeth. If only there was an Orthodontist Fairy who left C-notes under the parents' pillow.

I went home and broke the news to my husband. We talked about things that would have to wait – like saving for a cottage or screening in the back deck. Depressing.

That weekend, we celebrated my father-in-law’s birthday. My son was enjoying his last hours of unrestricted eating. My father-in-law watched his grandson consuming tortilla chips, recalling the day he found out both his sons needed braces.

“I called it my bass boat.”

My husband’s grandfather called his sons’ braces the second car.

For some reason, this made me feel better. We’re not the first parents wrestling tight budgets, simple dreams and crooked teeth. Like them, our kids come first, which means putting our money where our…well, our kid’s mouth is.

 And don't forget to check out the current Raising a Family Writing Contest.

Parent Watch

Whenever we go to the indoor playground at my local mall, I find myself watching the parents more than the kids. During a recent visit with my four-year-old son, I saw at least six different types of parents.

The Follower. This is the parent who hovers a step or two behind their child. The Follower is quick to help the child overcome any obstacle. This parent is quick to lift him to the top of the climbing structure rather than letting the child try to do it by himself.

The Documenter. This parent sticks close by the child with the intent to record the child’s every “accomplishment” no matter how minor. The click of a camera follows the child’s every move, like the child has her own entourage of paparazzi.

The Commentator. Similar to the Follower, this parent keeps up a running patter to accompany the child’s circuit of the play area. The one-sided conversation sounds like a radio sports broadcaster describing a game on the field: “Oh, you’re going to the train. What sound does a train make? Wooh, wooh. Are you a conductor or a passenger?”

The Player. This is the parent who gets down on his knees to play with his child. The Player interacts with the child constantly, doing ever sillier things and directing the child’s play, forgetting that the parent is not the child’s peer.

The Referee. This parent jumps in whenever there’s the tiniest conflict between her child and another. The Referee rarely allows the children to figure out things on their own. She orchestrates the makeup and will usually make the children play according to her rules.

The Relaxer. This parent sits on the sidelines, checking on her child every once in a while, but trusting that the child can solve his problems on his own. She prefers to let the kid do the playing, while she reads a book.

Which type of parent are you? And don't forget to check out the current Raising a Family Writing Contest.

The Reward of Harder Math

My son loses interest in school around February. It’s been happening since kindergarten. I call it the Second Semester Slump. Usually, by March, his teachers are talking to me about his declining grades and I’m talking to him about his declining effort. And, every year, he gives me the same reason:  I’m bored.

I believe him. This January, he read the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. In February, he started teaching himself HTML. In March, he took apart, fixed and reassembled the vacuum. I know he’s a smart kid but he rarely shows it in school. Most of his teachers see a quiet kid who doesn’t finish his assignments and forgets to sign his name on tests.

This year, instead of lecturing, I decided to empower the kid. Let him take charge of his own academic destiny. I sat him down, told him I loved him and reminded him he had my full support. Then, I asked him for a plan.

He shrugged. Then, he asked me what was for dinner.

No problem. I implemented an interim plan until he came up with something. I began micromanaging his homework – making sure it came home, was done and turned in on time. He hated this and I hated it more. After two days of passive-resistance and passive-insistence, we were both fried. I asked if he had a plan yet because the interim plan stunk.

“Maybe I would do better if I had a reward to look forward to.”

A reward? Well, it wasn’t a great plan, but it was a start.

I thought of all the things kids liked to be bribed with – money, movies, music, clothes, video games. What would be worth his passing the seventh grade? And should I really be bribing him to pass the seventh grade?

I asked what he had in mind.

“Could you give me harder math?”

Harder math?

“And grammar. Could you, like, give me harder things to learn?”

He wanted tougher homework to “reward” him for doing his required homework? I must have been confused, because the next words out of my mouth didn’t sound like me.

“I don’t know. Preparing all that extra work will take a lot of my time – time I’m currently spending checking your assignments.”

My son became animated. “I’ll do my school work first. Promise.”

Then, he took down the calendar and sketched out a tentative schedule of alternating math and grammar nights. It was more than a plan; it was a parental fantasy.

Of course, I agreed. What parent wouldn’t?

The next night he came home, went to practice, did his regular homework and waited for his “harder math”. The night after that, it was the same. The next night, he skipped watching television before bed to diagram sentences.

My husband was dumbfounded. As was I.

We waited for him to get bored, but it’s been a month and he’s still going strong. I have to scramble to prepare for his earnest face and sharpened pencil.

Recently, he brought home his progress report. His grades were up and his teachers were happy. My son kept his part of the bargain – passing the seventh grade in exchange for eighth grade work.

This got me thinking. Maybe if I gave him “harder” chores, he’d actually make his bed.

And don't forget to check out the current Raising a Family Writing Contest.

Counteracting the Dark Side of Self-Esteem

High self-esteem has been the Holy Grail of childhood achievement for years, with many parents, educators, and child-rearing experts proclaiming its ability to heal all the ills of society. Children were heaped with lots of praise, even for mediocre or failing efforts, and all that positive reinforcement has created a generation of kids who think only of themselves. After all, everyone has told them their entire lives that they are wonderful, practically perfect people.

Even adults have jumped on the high self-esteem bandwagon, with employers doling out kudos for doing the basics on a job, and employees expecting a pat on the back for showing up every day at work. What nobody stopped to think about is how high self-esteem would impact the society as a whole.

When everybody thinks he or she is more important than anyone else—and that’s the result of being fed a steady diet of praise for anything and everything—then the culture suffers. A prime example is the way drivers treat funeral possessions these days.

The Washington Post ran a front-page article today about how motorists cut into the lines of cars with funeral placards, honk at the delay when a possession goes by, and other impatient, I’m-more-important-than-you actions. To me, this shows the low regard others have for being even slightly inconvenienced by waiting for a funeral possession to pass.

How we act when we’re inconvenienced says a lot about how we value others. Are we tapping our foot when the cashier makes a mistake checking us out? Do we roll our eyes and mutter under our breath when someone cuts us off at a light? Have we been guilty of expressing our displeasure when our late arrival to an appointment means we have to wait longer? Do we treat customer service personnel—in person, on the phone or on live chats—with respect and courtesy, no matter the interaction?

When these incidents happen in front of our kids, what does that show them? That we’re the most important people in the world, and therefore deserve special treatment from others. And if everyone believes that, lives their lives that way, we will soon have a society filled with rude, demanding and awful people.

With the New Year, let us all make a commitment to leave behind the babble of high self-esteem, and focus instead on being the best spouse, parent, neighbor, resident and citizen we can possibly be.

Let’s show our children that serving others brings joy and happiness, not just to the person being served, but to the those doing the serving.

Let’s commit to being more concerned with humbleness and respect for others than feeling good about ourselves at all costs.

Let’s live the Golden Rule—Do unto others as you would have them do unto you—each day, and encourage our children to do the same.

Let’s all make a commitment to make this holiday season one that not all about what we will receive and what others can do for us, but about what we can give and do for others.

Let’s take the focus off of us and our wants, needs, desires, feelings, and put it on others, showering our families, friends, co-workers, teachers, neighbors and fellow Americans of all shapes, sizes and color.

Light the light of humbleness and respect for others in your own hearts, and watch as your light glows in the lives of those with which you come in contact.

And don't forget to check out the current Raising a Family Writing Contest.

Just a Kind Word, Please

My daughter was diagnosed with Autism in August of this year.  To say it’s been a roller coaster ride would be like saying The Beatles were a “nice little band.”  It just doesn’t compute.  To be on the spectrum of Autism means that there are a few things that are out of sort for her.  She has sensory issues.  For her that means she doesn’t get enough information from her sensory system, but that’s not true for every Autistic kid.  There is also a social component to it as well.  It doesn’t mean that our kiddos are anti-social, what it means is that understanding social nuances do not come second nature. 

Think about it.  You learned social “rules” at a very early age.  Your mom would give you that “look” which either meant, “Put your brother down” or “stop asking Grandma for money” (sometimes it was hard to tell the difference).  That look was etched in your memory and when you saw something similar from a classmate or teacher, you began to understand that people’s faces tell a big part of the story.  Many autistic kids do not have that skill and it’s something that’s not easily taught.  For my daughter, it’s something we work on constantly.

I try to point out when I see a child crying, “Look, he’s sad” or I see someone laughing, “Look, she’s happy!”  so that she begins to understand that she’s going to have to look at faces.  Eye contact is a tough one for my girl, so we work on that as well.

This means when I’m out grocery shopping and my little “avoid looking at people, close my eyes and pretend they are not there” girl musters up the courage to look at you and say “Hi!”, that you must respond back!  It’s really not too much to ask.  A simple, “Hi there” will do.  I’m not asking you to recite the Preamble for her.  I just want your help, if only briefly, to get the point across to her that communication is important.  You may just be a passer-by, but you are integral in the process!

I’ve been shocked at the number of folks who just fly right past her, don’t look look at her, acknowledge her or toss her a smile.   In fact, I think that it should be everyone’s social rule that when a child, ANY child, says hello to a grown-up we should have the decency to say hello back! 

It’s just a simple, kind word.  Please.

And don't forget to check out the current Raising a Family Writing Contest.