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Good manners are learned from your family

Etiquette for Families

Meet our resident family etiquette expert on StageofLife.com

Stage of Life is pleased to introduce etiquette expert, Jay Remer, to its team. Below you will find tips, advice and articles from Jay on important etiquette topics specifically tailored to parents, children, in-laws, and families.

But wait...

...ask us a family etiquette question now. If you have children and have an etiquette question, contact us and we'll post your question and Jay's reply here.

Etiquette Tips for Families

Marriage Demands

Is it okay for my wife to demand I stay home?

Dear Jay,

My wife and I had a birthday party for our four year old daughter. Following the party, the wife demanded I stay home while she, along with her girlfriend, took our daughter shopping. Is this type of demand okay?

Jay's ANSWER...

I would suggest that the word 'demand' has little or no use in a healthy marriage. And, why does the father need to stay home? Are there more children to look after? There is no reason why the women cannot go shopping as a small celebration to mark an event, although 4 year olds don't qualify as shoppers, nor is shopping an activity of choice of most young children—it's more of an excuse for the women to get out of the house. My advice is to let her go shopping, but do not look at staying home as a demand! I hope this helps.

Kindest regards,

Jay

If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.

Family Matters

How can I get through to my sisters?

Dear Jay,

Lately, I've been in a tricky situation with my family and my husband. My family is trying to make plans to celebrate my dad's birthday in my house without even consulting me. I live in a two bedroom apartment with my husband and our six year old son. My husband thinks that they should have talk to me about it and respect the fact that I have a family. I don't want to turn my back on my family, but I also understand my husband's point of view. I told them how I feel, and now they are mad at me and talking to me like I am still their little sister. I am a grown-up woman and want people to respect the fact that I have a family. I feel very sad to be in the center of this drama. I love my husband and he doesn't have any problem that my parents come to visit for a month but not more, and my sisters think that they are my parents and I should have them as long as they want.

--Jessica

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Jessica,

I see a rather simple solution for this dilemma. You and your husband sit down together with your sisters and let them know how you feel and how being ignored makes you feel. Explain that your house is your castle and that you will be part of any decision making going forward. Your husband must stand by you on this. You must stop this cycle of bullying your sisters are engaged in! I hope this helps,

Kindest regards,

Jay

Just Droppin' By...Again

Can we tell our guests to get a hotel?

Dear Jay,

My husband and I live in a tourist destination, and family members and friends frequently ask to visit us (we usually have visitors at least two weekends per month). Our siblings (we have five of them) are extremely needy and are usually not the greatest house guests. They each come multiple times throughout the year, stay in our guest room, don't rent a car (we only have one), and always want to go out to eat. Not only do these visits require our time (entertaining and cleaning before and after their arrival), but they also affect our wallets. Frequently, these visits extend into the work week as well. We don't want to hurt their feelings, but we would much rather they get a hotel and their own car so our normal routines are not constantly uprooted. What is the best way to handle the situation when we get a call saying "We're coming to visit you in July!"?

--Sauna

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Sauna,

Please forgive the tardiness of this response. You are stuck in somewhat of a habit here—a rut, if you will. This will more than likely continue and even worsen until such time as you lay down the law—explain your house rules! One's house is one's castle, and as master of one's own castle, one is well within one's right to be crystal clear about house rules so that no one embarrasses the others through no fault of their own.

It's best to handle delivering this information face-to-face and as a couple if appropriate. If spoken over the phone or written in a letter, do not be defensive or feel the need to give an explanation for the rules.

There appears to be a combined lack of gratitude and a resultant feeling of entitlement; as well there is no respect for your boundaries—either time or space! This information can and should be delivered calmly and clearly. You cannot control their feelings - if their feelings are hurt, they need to take responsibility and grow up - age having nothing to do with it.

Learning to say no in a friendly way is possible. Speak from your heart and trust your inner voice. I hope this helps.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Just Droppin' By

Is it rude to drop by unannounced?

Dear Jay,

Is it rude for someone to just drop by unannounced if you've only met them once or twice, and they are not a close relative?

--Ms. Johnson

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Ms. Johnson,

Frankly, I think it's rude for anyone, close relative or the traveling salesman, to drop by unannounced. I wouldn't have daren't do so with my own mother!

I hope this helps.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Uninvited Guests

How can I exclude certain family members from an invitation?

Dear Jay,

I am having a Celebration of Life for my late husband. This function is being held in my home. My home isn't that large and would accommodate about 20 guests. Some life long friends will be invited and his three remaining siblings and their spouses. How do I deal with uninvited nieces and nephews that haven't been in our lives for 10-15 years? I don't know if this will happen, but I would like to be prepared if it does.

The invitation will will not include the family members, and the family members are all adults.

--Mavis

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Mavis,

The best advice I can give you is to welcome anyone who comes to this wonderful occasion. Perhaps there is outdoor space you could use for the overflow? One can never control uninvited guests and in general taking the high road is always the line of best defense.

Don't stress about this; just focus on the purpose of the Celebration. Hopefully people will understand that invitations apply only to those invited. If they call and ask, explain about the space limitations and that you would appreciate their cooperation.

I hope this helps.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Please, No Foul Language.

Can we tell our adult daughter not to use foul language?

Dear Jay,

We were visiting at our adult married daughter's home, and, while there, she was using foul and language that is offensive to us. Is it wrong to request that she not do this in our presence at her home?

--James

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear James,

Sadly your daughter learned this behavior somewhere along the line and was allowed to get away with it. Now you are suffering the consequences. However, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you are well within your rights to politely explain to her just how it makes you feel and that you hope she doesn't make other guests feel the same way. If she doesn't get the hint, simply leave. There is no point to getting into a heated argument - no one will win. Let's hope she doesn't raise her children that way.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Who Gets the King Bed?

Should a married couple get the king bed on vacation?

Dear Jay,

My son and I are going to Fiji for a holiday. I am a single parent and we have a two bedroom apartment booked and paid for. The apartment has a king bed in one room and two single beds in the other.

Today, my sister told me she and her husband are going to come with us. Do I have to give them the king bed, even though I have paid for the accommodation? My son and I can share the king bed and still be more comfortable than in a single bed each.

--Nicole

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Nicole,

Thanks for asking this excellent question! Technically, no - if you are paying the bill, the choice is yours. However, logic would dictate that a married couple would be offered the king bed. They may well prefer to have the twin accommodation or better yet, they may ask which you prefer. In any event, the hotel may be able to make a change for you, such as joining the two twin beds together for you and your son, thus creating exactly the same sleeping space as a king.

Try to always take the high road when dealing with such situations. Since your sister and her husband are your guests - presumably you had some choice in this matter - then putting them first is the correct thing for a host to do, but not to the detriment of your own needs. I hope this is more of a help than a hindrance.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Help Yourself to the Wine?

Can house guests help themselves to the wine without asking?

Dear Jay,

I had a close friend come stay at my house with her family, and her husband opened a bottle of red wine after my husband and I went to bed and drank more than half.

My girlfriend and I had already shared one of the bottles that evening. When I mentioned it the next day, she got defensive.

Isn't it super poor etiquette to open someone else's wine without them offering? We have stayed at their house many times and they have been very generous, but we have never helped ourselves to any wine or anything else with out asking or having prior knowledge that is was alright.

Should we be less sensitive about this?

--Sarah

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Sarah,

You are absolutely correct. Perhaps she thought the wine was 'fair game', but she was overstepping her bounds as a good house guest. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about it at this point. I imagine that given her defensive reaction, this scenario will unlikely be repeated. She got the message.

It's time to take the high road and move on. After all, it was just a bottle of wine. Respecting boundaries is difficult for some people, clearly. Know that you are in the right.

I hope this helps.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Disrespectful Visitors

What is the polite way to tell adult married children they are rude and disrespectful?

Dear Jay,

We have an adult daughter and her husband who request overnight visits with either parents or a grandfather. Yet the there is no social visit. These children merely want a free bed and no interaction. They make separate plans or stay locked up in a guest room all hours.

And do not thank their hosts. Ever.

What is the polite way to tell adult married children they are rude and disrespectful to their parents and grandparents?

--Edgar

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Edgar,

Good manners are learned at home. Somewhere along the line some of these seem to have slipped through the cracks. My advice at this stage of the game is to have a chat with your daughter and explain your feelings. Lay down a few rules of respect, as you thought they had been already understood.

You are fully within your rights to have house rules. Lack of gratitude is another basic principle gone missing. It's never too late to teach these important life skills either to your children or to theirs as they come along.

I hope this helps.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Live-In Grandma Has Question

I'm a live-in grandmother with a question...

Dear Stage of Life,

I have been living with my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter for 2 years and we just moved to a new house. I have a bedroom in the lower level of the house and the two upper levels are their bedrooms and the family area (living, dining, kitchen).

Frequently after dinner I will go downstairs to watch TV and give them family time. Recently, I have heard them visiting with the new neighbors who have come by to visit. I have refrained from going upstairs (even to get something to snack on or drink) because I'm not sure if it would be considered intruding.

Should I stay out of the out or continue my normal routine when the family has house guests?

--Karen

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Karen,

If you have been living with your family for two years, the house is considered your home too, even if you don't contribute financially, which I imagine you do in some fashion. If you feel uneasy, simply broach the subject with your daughter. This lack of communication is not healthy, so nip it in the bud.

I hope this is of some help.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Greeting Protocol

Who speaks a greeting first - the host or the guest?

Dear Stage of Life,

My husband gets annoyed when my teenage daughters' guests come into the house without saying hello. He thinks it is their responsibility to speak first. I think just the opposite. If they are coming into our house they are the guests and we are responsible for speaking first.

Which is it, can you clear this up?

--Debra

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Debra,

You are correct. Regardless of the age of the guest, the host should be the first to speak by actually welcoming the guest into his house. The host should also be the first to rise and extend his hand.

I hope this is of some help.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Who Gets the Guest Bed?

What is the proper etiquette for deciding which family member gets to stay in our spare room (when multiple members from both sides are visiting at the same time)?

Dear Stage of Life,

My husband and I are having a first birthday party for our son and our entire family must travel for this event. We have decided to rotate which family members stay at our house in our one spare room. My mother said that this decision is incorrect and rude, that she should stay here each time since she is the "mother of the bride" and "helps more".

What is the proper etiquette for which family members stay?

--Stephanie

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Rachel,

Thanks for asking this great question. My advice is to offer the room first (always) to the senior member of the invited group. If it is your mother, then she should have first dibs on the room. If there is someone else of equal or greater seniority, they should be asked on a rotating basis, as you suggest, or in the event of greater seniority, always asked first.

Your mother is right on this one; however, it is your house, you are an adult, and the final decision rests with you. At some point it might be necessary to establish that in your house, your rules apply.

I hope this is of some help.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Guest Bedroom Issues with the Grandparents

Do my husband's parents have the right to claim our bedroom bed when visiting instead of staying in the guest bed?

Dear Stage of Life,

My husband and I purchased our first home together - a townhouse. Currently we have a toddler and infant and the townhouse has three bedrooms. The toddler currently has his own room and the infant currently sleep in our bedroom. That leaves one of the other bedrooms free.

My husband and I would like to provide a bed in the room for visiting guests. The room cannot fit a bed larger than a full size mattress, but it can accommodate a trundle bed (if the trundle is only pulled out for the night, we can arrange furniture). We found a very nice daybed with a trundle in our budget. Our only concern is my husband's dad and step mom will not sleep on the trundle and requests our bedroom and bed, which is a king size. I co-sleep with my infant and require a larger bed to do so safely. Eventually that room will be set up for my infant to move into, so we can fit a crib and a twin sized bed (daybed) in it.

We are debating what to do. I thought there was no obligation of the host family to give up their bed to visiting family? Is our best bed to go with a trundle bed to sleep two? Or go with a full size bed? How far out of our way should we accommodate family?

--Rachel

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Rachel,

Your house is your home and castle. It deserves the respect that honor accords including yours and your guests'.

Your in-laws are overstepping their bounds and obviously have been for some time. You allowed this and it is now a pattern. Now, suddenly you basically have no guest rooms and you're feeling guilty. As this picture comes into focus you and your husband will need to decide how to handle this new reality. Once you agree, sit down with his parents or pick up the phone and let them know how excited you are about being able to redecorate the kids' new rooms. You can remark about how quickly they grow up. That will plant the obvious seed which will sprout the next time a visit is imminent. It will be easier than you think.

I hope this is of some help.

Kindest regards,

Jay

International Wedding Crasher

Is it rude to ask the bride if we can bring an extra family to the wedding?

Dear Stage of Life,

My cousin's wedding is this Saturday, and it is a 125 people wedding. My husband's cousin is coming to visit us from another country this weekend too.

What would be the "correct" thing to do...ask my cousin to let us bring my husband's cousin as an added guest to his wedding, or ask my husband's cousin to look for something to do while we are at the wedding?

Please advise. Thanks!

--Bebe

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Bebe,

I would strongly advise against asking to bring your husband's cousin as an added guest to the wedding. It would not be the 'correct' thing to do at all. I'm sure your husband's cousin will understand.

I hope this is of some help.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Wedding Invite List Etiquette

Is it okay for a bride and groom to selectively invite some family members to a wedding but not others?

Dear Stage of Life,

My nephew is getting married. None of the first cousins on my brothers side (my nephew's father) are invited. The youngest is 14yrs old. However, ALL of the cousins on my nephew's mothers side are invited.

My sister and I are refusing to attend the wedding when it is blatant that our children aren't invited, but my nephew's cousins on his mother's side are ALL invited.

What are your thoughts?

Thank You.

--Colleen

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Colleen,

From the point of view of traditional wedding etiquette, the guest list is in the control of whoever is hosting the wedding. There must be limits to the number of guests invited for many obvious reasons. It is not their obligation to explain how the guest list is assembled.

However, your feelings are valid and since this is a close family concern, some open communication needs to be established here. You need to speak with your brother about your hurt feelings and see if perhaps there has been some sort of mistake. No matter what the answer or explanation, you always have the choice to accept or regret any invitation - again, with no explanation required.

Now, from the point of view of a social commentator (another hat I wear), here is another perspective...

Families are complicated.

Without knowing more (which I am not asking to do), I suspect there is a back story here within which lies the framework for the real answer to this dilemma. If there is some unresolved issue(s), this occasion is hardly the appropriate venue for it to be exposed. It is important for the health of extended family relations for your feelings to be voiced - without being in a state of anger.

Regretting an invitation to an important family function, such as this wedding, is a big statement on your part. You and your sister need to understand that there will likely be consequences. Fighting fire with fire is never a good idea. Remember, too, that your actions (all of them) are examples from which your children will learn to navigate the world and pass along to their children.

I would advise taking the high road here (as I always do) and accept the invitation; go to the wedding - with a gift; and redirect your anger into compassion. That of course is easier said than done, and impossible when angry. Air your feelings with your brother. Find out what exactly is going on and respond only after you have that information.

I hope this is of some help.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Dog Visitors When Family Comes to Stay

Am I responsible for a guest's pets if my guests are staying overnight?

Dear Stage of Life,

My husband and I are in the process of purchasing and moving into our first house! I recently reached out to my cousin to see if he wanted to "spend some time together" since we will be living only an hour and a half away from him. He interpreted this as coming over to our new house and spending the night.

This is fine with me, except he also followed up saying that it's going to be easier for him to stay overnight if he brings his two dogs with him.

My husband and I do not have pets, and honestly I am uncomfortable with the thought of two unfamiliar dogs in our brand new home and new furniture. I'm concerned about pet hair left all over the house, the animals jumping on or tearing furniture, and any other "surprises" they may leave for us.

Am I responsible for a guest's pets if my guests are staying overnight?

--Rachel

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Rachel,

You must have had a temporary lapse of your senses. Why did you not clear this up at the time? That said, it is not too late to pick up the phone and explain that you and your husband feel uncomfortable with him bringing his two dogs into your brand new house. This is not an unreasonable feeling to have, by the way! If he brings the dogs, perhaps they have traveling sleeping crates he can house them in; barring that perhaps they can sleep in his car; or even better - leave them at home with a dog/house sitter.

Your house is your castle. Your house rules must be respected by everyone - including you!

I hope this is of some help.

Kindest regards,

Jay

Lots of Leftovers

Is it rude to cancel your anticipated visit 2-3 hours before the family dinner...repeatedly?

Dear Stage of Life,

Our family has a weekly extended family dinner where the grandparents, parents, grandchildren and now great-grandchildren attend with full family and often a friend or two.

People have many things to do, church events, dinner with the other side of the family, etc., so there is no expectation that everyone will make it every week. All we have ever asked is that you contact the hostess by the day before if you have some other event to attend and give a call if you are bringing a friend so the amount of food matches the number of people.

The problem is one family of six in the grandchild generation continues to cancel 2-3 hours before we are suppose to sit down to the meal - well after meat and frozen vegetables are thawed and preparation has started for many dishes.

On a practical level, this creates a lot of left overs that are often thrown away and sometimes even makes the meal prep harder than it needed to be that particular week. On a personal level, I feel this is very rude, inconsiderate, and generally disrespectful behavior to have this repeatedly occur.

What are your thoughts?

--Lots of Leftovers...again

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Lots of Leftovers,

Sunday family dinners are a wonderful tradition. As families grow, these gatherings can become unmanageable, and I take my hat off to you for maintaining this healthy family custom! The host absolutely should be informed of anyone not attending. Not providing such basic courtesy is rude and unacceptable.

I do not encourage editing the guest list of these culprits, but a senior member of the family needs to have a clear and private chat with the offender(s), explaining why this disrespect cannot continue.

Frankly, this behaviour was either learned or at the very least enabled within the family, so let the responsibility fall where it may. Perhaps it's time for the offenders to host a few of these dinners. Trial by fire sometimes works like a charm!

I hope this helps. Kindest regards,

Jay

To call or not call?

Should you walk into a friend's or family member's home without first announcing your visit?

Dear StageofLife.com,

I was brought up to always call family or friends if I wished to visit, to see if it would be convenient for them. I have, in fact, taught this practice to my own children.

However, I seem to be in the minority here and my friends think I am super strange. Many times I have been at the home of a friend or neighbor (either having coffee or watching a movie), only to have their family or friends just walk into the house unannounced. Often I find this extremely uncomfortable and cannot wait to leave. I find it super rude. My friends do not.

The mother of my son-in-law walks into their house any time as well. My daughter hates it. Locking the door doesn't work with her either, because she has a key, and uses it. The key was given to her to use in case of emergency.

To me, my home is my haven, where I can kick back and relax with no worries about anyone walking in. Am I wrong??

--Jan

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Jan,

You and I were brought up identically. You are absolutely 100% correct, no question about it. Now...how each of us chooses to run our households is personal obviously, but I can assure you that if someone were to arrive at my doorstep unannounced, they would likely not do it a second time. It is the height of rudeness.

Stick by your guns!

Kind regards,
Jay

Double Booked for a Birthday?

What NOT to do when you've been invited to two birthday parties on the same day...

Dear StageofLife.com,

I have been planning my teenage daughter's birthday party for weeks. Although she is only inviting three guests, the party involves appointments for facials, going to a movie, and a dinner reservation.

However, one of her guests called a week before the party and requested that we change the date of the party as she has received an invitation to another event. Evidently the hosts of the other event refused to change the date of their party.

As you might expect, I also refused to change the date of my daughter's party stating that there were reservations, other guests to consider, and my family's schedule. I said if needed, she was welcome to attend only part of my daughter's party if this would work better for her.

Does this seem like rude behavior from the invitee? Or should I have been more accommodating since our party involves a small number of girls?

-Party-Planning Mom

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Party-Planning Mom,

Planning a party with spa appointments and other fun activities does involve being organized well in advance. The guest who called to ask you to reschedule your party is way out of line and exhibits the height of rudeness. You were very kind. I would strike her from future guest lists in a hurry!

If one receives a "better" invitation once they have accepted a previous invitation, they must regret the second invitation, without question.

I hope this clarifies this matter for you. Where have good manners gone?

Kind regards,
Jay

Rude younger sister or inconsiderate older brother?

Protocol for entering a room - it's your responsibility to announce your arrival...

Dear StageofLife.com,

Almost two years ago my husband and I were visiting with his younger brother and his wife at their home. We had been visiting almost a half-hour when their younger sister comes in, walks right past my husband (oldest brother) and begins speaking with her other brother and his wife about some computer/internet problems she is having.

We sat there another 10 minutes and she still did not acknowledge her oldest brother. We finally said our goodbyes and left.

When we went to visit again, we now found out we have become the outcasts for not speaking to her. This scenario has continued and we didn't even say anything to the rest of the family about her lack of consideration for her older brother. It is not our aim to make her look bad, we just felt it was totally bad manners to treat her brother that way.

My question is were we lacking in manners or was it his sister lack of manners?

-The Outcasts

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Outcast,

Technically speaking, the younger sister is at fault for not announcing her entrance in some way, such as saying hello to everyone assembled. She has no social graces, nor does the rest of the family for not recognizing this sister's inappropriate behavior and suggesting she apologize. If it isn't your aim to make her look bad, I suggest you have an honest, private, non-confrontational chat. This is hardly a skirmish worth risking family relationships over.

Kind regards, Jay.

Daugther-in-law verses Mother-in-law

Daughter-in-law is uncomfortable with actions of Mother-in-Law

Dear StageofLife.com,

I am writing on behalf of my sister who is a grandmum. She does not enjoy an easy relationship with her daughter-in-law but very much respects parental boundaries and very much understands the demands on parents.

She is distraught following a recent visit when she was told that soothing her grandaughter's back which was sore with eczema and sorting a little curl on her forehead was inappropriate behavior. My sister did not how to deal with this or indeed how to respond as she was so shocked by the comment and therefore did not question why this was deemed inappropriate by the parents.

She said she was physically sick following the incident at what she understood to be the suggestion. As I was not present I am trying to support her through this while offering some practical advice. Views very welcome.

Any advice??

-A Concerned Sister

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Concerned,

Clearly an avenue of communication needs to be opened between your sister and her daughter-in-law. Using shock as an excuse for not discussing awkward situations is obviously ineffective. The only position you should take is to encourage your sister and her daughter-in-law to have a chat about this incident. Technically the mother of the child is responsible for her own child. There is more than meets the eye here. I would take a step back and let them work this out, encouraging open yet private communication.

Kind regards, Jay.

How Do I Handle a Sticky Situation with My Father-in-Law?

Etiquette involving your guest room and in-laws

Dear StageofLife.com,

I generally have a great relationship with my husband's family, but I am caught in a bit of a sticky situation. My father-in-law is turning 50 this year and is having a big party for all the family and friends.

My husband's aunt just told my father-in-law that she is going to be here and my husband has volunteered our guest room. We recently got over guests (our friend...a single mom and her two kids) who had just trashed it, and we have not yet gotten the chance to do the repairs necessary to make it hospitable.

It's not that I have a problem with my father-in-law's sister or the fact that this will encourage us to fix up the room again... it's that my father-in-law thought he'd solved the lack of space problem with offering OUR guestroom. Plus, when I told my husband about this - thinking maybe he'd given the go ahead - he knew nothing of it.

I am unsure of the proper thing to do. I am helping my mother-in-law with the party since it will be huge and involved, but have been apparently been scripted for chauffeur for the aunt as well. I don't want to cause trouble for anyone since it seems like my father-in-law already settled it before he called an hour ago to tell me about it. By the way - my mother-in-law would be mad at him if she knew about how this went down but what good would that do to tattle on him? I'm not, of course, happy that this happened.

Any advice??

Robin

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Robin,

Your husband needs to have a chat with his father privately. This sort of disrespect needs to be nipped in the bud. Under no circumstances can he just use your house as his own in this fashion. Perhaps another accommodation can be found for his sister.

Alternatively, you may just have to pull things together as best as possible with a clear message to your father-in-law that he cannot do this ever again without asking first. I doubt he meant to be disrespectful, but he was and may even be startled to hear this.

Like we all learned in kindergarten, if you want to borrow something, you ask first. Let's hope your husband can sort this out. I hope this helps put things into perspective for you.

Kind regards, Jay.

Do visitors get to pick where they sleep in my home?

Etiquette involving grown children visits

Dear StageofLife.com,

When grown children with grandchildren come to visit, do I, the hostess (Mom/Grandma), get to choose which bedrooms the visitors will use?

Jay's ANSWER...

In answer to your query about choosing bedrooms for guests, YES, unquestionably you choose.

It's your house for heaven's sake!

Remember that all of your actions are being watched by your younger generation visitors. Like it or not, you are always leading by example. Make sure the example is a good one. Your home is your castle, and your rules are the final word.

I hope this helps!

--Jay

Is texting a married man at 3am appropriate?

Etiquette involving married couples

Dear StageofLife.com,

I feel like these days, not many people are aware of the etiquette involving a married couple. What I mean is that not many people seem to know the way they should act around married people.

To me, it's intuitive that a single woman should not be calling a married man at 3am in the morning or texting him constantly throughout the day. She shouldn't be in contact with him constantly or at odd hours. The same goes for a single man and a married woman.

Some, however, seem to think that this is perfectly okay. Am I seriously overreacting, or have the rules changed in this respect?

A marriage is a sacred thing that it should be respected by everybody. I seem to be alone in believing this. Can you explain to us any guidelines that people should follow around married individuals?

Anonymous

Jay's ANSWER...

The question posed about appropriate communications between single and married people is one which many people are afraid to ask, but is quite a common problem.

Essentially, if one is going to express unusual sentiments or emotions to another person, they need to be sure this is okay with the other person prior to acting. Phone calls at 3am are inappropriate unless an emergency arises. Respecting the privacy of married couples is important and has not changed.

This is a two-way street, however and the responsibility falls on both parties' shoulders. Common sense comes in handy when considering these kinds of situations. Under usual circumstances, erring on the side of caution is always advisable. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and the answer may be clearer.

I hope this helps! Jay

--StageofLife.com

Parents Rules Rule

Children Return Home and Take Over

Dear Jay,

Is it proper for adult children when they come to visit us in our home, to turn the radio on and listen to music of there choosing with out asking if it were okay ? I don't think it is but my wife has no problem with it and we get into argument's over whether it is okay or not.

Please advise,

Lon

Dear Lon,

I agree with you in this case. People who are guests in your house, and I consider visiting adult children to be in that category, should respect your space and ask to turn on your radio, TV, etc. Old habits are tough to break, but somewhere along the line no one taught your children otherwise. They must learn to be discerning as well as respectful.

I hope this helps. Jay

Compassion in Three Great Men

Compassion

Our Etiquette Man, Jay, had the chance to hear three wonderful men speak about "Crash, Learn, and Conquer". Former Premier of Newfoundland and Labrador Danny Williams; former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani; and the one and only Donald Trump each spoke at a conference two weeks ago. Here he shares some observations with you...

I had the distinct pleasure of attending the Spark NB event last week where Donald Trump headlined an all star line up of speakers including former New York City Mayor Rudi Giuliani and the former Premier of Newfoundland and Labrador, Danny Williams. The theme of the day was Crash, Learn and Conquer and was delivered to an audience of seasoned business people, young entrepreneurs and students. I attended because I wanted to hear how these men incorporate civility and compassion into their working lives. Strangely enough I was not surprised that those two words were not uttered a single time throughout the presentation. I found this fascinating, however, because to me without civility and compassion, business cannot truly succeed.

Mr. Williams was the first to speak and he explained how he pulled his province up by the bootstraps and with his tenacity and scrappiness persuaded the federal government to treat his constituency fairly. He has been a hugely successful businessman and attorney as well. Despite the reputation he garnered over his years at bat for the province, he showed a side of compassion and understanding of the really basic needs of his fellow Newfoundlanders and Labradoreans and a genuine caring for people.

Mr. Giuliani spoke of his time as mayor of New York City during the events surrounding the tragic day of September 11, 2001. In addition to his words of wisdom for entrepreneurs of having a goal, being optimistic, being a problem solver, having courage tempered with fear, the importance of practice, anticipation, and teamwork, his most important pearl, in my opinion, was to love people. He emphasized how friends are our best safety net and that we need to help people whenever we can. Without his enormous compassion and sense of civility towards all people, he would not have had what it took to manage one of worst moments in human history, as we know it.

Mr. Trump spoke of his colossal ups and downs both in business and in his personal life. I lived in New York for many years, so “The Donald’s” track record was old news to me. I remember when he was struggling with what seemed like an insurmountable amount of debt, when his real estate empire was collapsing around him, and when almost any other person would have given up. And I remember watching him climb back building strength upon strength to regain his prominence as a great entrepreneur. He deservedly has the reputation of being a bully in the boardroom and he espoused the position of getting even, having ironclad agreements, and never giving up. His philosophy of loving what you do, staying focused, and making your own luck is one which has been enormously helpful to his career. Although he has great bravado and an arrogance that a scant few would dare to get away with, I came away feeling that here is a man who flourished because of the team of people he maintains around him. My guess is that behind closed doors was a man who demanded respect and who equally showed respect to everyone in his life. He would not have been able to form a good team without compassion for himself and for others and certainly not without sincere civility.

One only need look at his children to see what a great father he has been and continues to be. That is where the evidence really lies. Despite never mentioning the importance of compassion and civility in his life, it is tucked away inside, hiding sometimes behind a tough protective exterior.

I hope the audience appreciated the kindness and common sense values that these men have. We all love to hear the incredible stories of crashing and recovering. Many of us can clearly relate as we have such stories in our own lives. We love to hear about the renegade side of people who go against the tide and handle pressures we hope to never be faced with. Some of us can handle life on a roller coaster and can face serious challenges with great strength and a sense of purpose. Others of us need a more secure, even sedate, life where intense pressures are avoided.

In the end, whichever path we choose or find ourselves on unexpectedly, we can be happier and move more gracefully through the day if we practice compassion and show civility to everyone whom we meet. It is the lubrication that oils the wheels of life and which gives is the strength to put the feelings of other people ahead of our own. In business and in our private lives, we may at times be scrappy, be focused on emergencies, or even be in a position of being arrogant. If tempered with compassion and respect for those around us, those who truly love us will surround us.

--Jay

Civility Begins at Home

Bullying

Life for many of us is not always a bed of roses. In this column, "Civility Begins at Home", Jay takes a glimpse at this unpleasant subject and what we might do to change things...

We are, after all, human beings. It is our very nature, especially in western society, to get ahead either at school, in our jobs, or in our efforts to get reelected as government officials.

None of us are immune to overstepping our bounds from time to time in this desire to achieve our goals. Unfortunately, in striving for our goals, too often these efforts turn into acts of bullying. Sometimes we purposefully act in ways which can be very hurtful and cruel to those around us. Other times we behave this way quite unaware and are clueless as to how our actions affect those people with whom we interact.

What better time than the present is there to stop and assess our actions, our motives, and our goals? I have observed, as have many others, that civility at school, in the work place, in social and activity clubs and in the legislature has fallen to a very low point. If we want to build any kind of a sustainable and healthy future for our children and grandchildren, now is the time to begin anew to lead by example so that those who hold us in high regard have good reason to do so.

Where we need to begin this sort of renovation is at home. Bullying begins at home. This is learned because one or both parents, caregivers, and siblings teach this behavior initially. There is no point to laying blame elsewhere. If there are constant tears at home from a child; if there is a constant or even occasional outburst which instills fear in a household; if there is confusion and lethargy surrounding a household, it is time to take a look at what is going on. We need to become more aware of and take responsibility for our actions. We must make a bigger effort to think about how we affect other people's feelings and self-esteem.

Bullying comes in many forms – physical, emotional, verbal, and mental. Unfortunately, the effects of this abuse can last a lifetime. We all deserve respect. Whether the newborn freshly home from the hospital, the elder statesman who is the patriarch of the family, or the grandmother whose firm guidance has solved many a family argument, we all deserve to be treated with kindness, compassion and respect. This is best accomplished if practiced everyday. I think it is so important that I suggest scheduling some family time if necessary, where all family members can get together to discuss what is going on in their lives. How else will we find out if someone is being bullied and is afraid. None of us are skilled enough psychics to guess how our loved ones are feeling, what their troubles may be, and how we may help them to feel better about themselves.

Bullying is akin to negative reinforcement. The only thing worse is abandonment. Coming home to an empty house, for example, is a very unhealthy way for any of us to end our day of work or schooling. Even something as simple as a short note indicating that there is food in the fridge or what time dinner will be gives some assurance that a much needed connection will be made soon. We cannot thrive or even exist in isolation. We mustn't do this to our loved ones.

Bullying is the behavior of weak individuals. This weakness needs to be addressed. It is the responsibility of parents to see to it that their children are raised to know the difference between behavior which is acceptable and that which is not. This is a simple process really because everything that our parents do, we as children assume is alright. It does not take a lot of experience to recognize actions which are wrong. Abuse of any kind is uncalled for. Physical abuse is in fact against the law, a fact of which many people are unaware. Physical abuse must be reported to authorities at once and can be done anonymously if needs be.

When we return to our schools and offices this autumn, let's try to make it our own personal policy to behave civilly with one another. This kind of natural behavior cannot be successfully legislated, nor should it be. A healthy society should be able to nurture this behavior very comfortably. Discussing this at home brings it to the forefront of our minds and helps make it easier to happen. If the home is a secure place to live physically, mentally and emotionally, our schools and places of work will be too.

--Jay

Coming Back to the Nest

Guidelines to Visiting Parents

Dear Jay,

What is a polite way to limit the number of days an adult child visits home?

Respectfully yours, Karen

Jay's ANSWER:

Dear Karen,

Adult children returning to the nest is one thing. Those simply coming for a visit is another. You must remember that your home is your castle and you alone set the guidelines and make the rules. If there is an issue about this in your mind, you must state clearly exactly what the guidelines are. Being honest with your message does not require being disrespectful or rude. Keeping facts and feelings separate is a challenge we all face from time to time. Speak in a kindly tone and take full responsibility for your position. It is, after all, your position. Don't lay blame on your child. He or she learned their behavior from you most likely. So, if you've enabled this turn of events, it's now time to explain that now things must change and these are the new rules. I advise not letting this become a big issue. Nipping it in the bud before he or she arrives will help.

Kind regards, Jay

Lack of Awareness

Look Around You and Be Polite

This may sound like an exercise akin to patting your head and rubbing your tummy, but I am quite serious about this seemingly simple concept. A reader recently sent me this note illustrating the lack of awareness and kindness towards others. Perhaps we can all learn from this reader’s questions.

“I really enjoy your column. Thanks for the great suggestions for the New Year, which I intend to use. One thing that maybe you could consider writing about is the following: It really bothers me that many people today seem to just live in their own world and have little consideration for others who are around them. Often I have walked into a building right after someone who does not appear to know that I am there and drops the door on me.

“Another beef that I have is people shopping in grocery store aisles, often with a number of family members, who run into someone that they know and proceed to block the aisle as they carry on a conversation.

“I think the one that bothers me the most is when you get behind someone at the local drugstore or convenience store who insists on making their purchase, get their air mile points, pay all their utilities, and both check all their lotto tickets and buy new ones while others are waiting behind them! There just seems to be a general inconsideration for others demonstrated here. I used to buy my gas at a convenience store in the Fredericton area where the owner had a policy that customers could not do prolonged lotto ticket transactions if others were waiting. More than once I have just put my purchases down and walked out!

“I know that I sound like the complainer here but it really does bother me! Happy New Year and looking forward to reading you in 2012.”

The scenarios outlined above are ones to which we can all relate. No one likes having a door surprisingly slammed in his or her face. But it does happen frequently! People just do not look behind them to see if someone is coming and politely hold the door open for that next person. What we need to practice is being polite by taking just seconds to be aware of those around us. I find that when I experience these annoying situations, a bit of self-reflection often reveals a need to slow down and be more aware of what I am doing.

In grocery stores or any store with narrow aisles and shopping carts, it is helpful to look around and try not to inconvenience others. I am not suggesting that a good ‘gossip’ isn’t appropriate quietly in the store, but most customers are not there for social purposes. They need to get in and get out. The lesson here is to consider putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. The Golden Rule comes in handy frequently. This is another call to slow down and be aware of those around you, even putting them and their feelings before yours upon occasion.

The multi-tasker at the super market or at the bank or even at the ticket counter can really be annoying. We have become accustomed to one-stop shopping and find accomplishing a number of chores at one place very satisfying. However, if there is a line of people behind you watching you wind through your list of lottery tickets or other time-consuming tasks, I recommend coming back at a time when the lines may be shorter. This is akin to going through a busy grocery line with a full cart of purchases without helping to bag them. We all know how annoying it is when it happens to us. This is a two-way street. It is inconsiderate and disrespectful.

Let the New Year allow you to start off with a clean slate in one important way. Slow down and pay more attention to exactly what is going on around us. As we interact with other people, whether they are fellow shoppers, clerks, or friends and family, becoming more aware of how our actions affect other people will make for a more civil society. And don’t forget to smile often. We never know how our smile can brighten someone else’s day. It happens often!

--Jay

Driving Miss Teen Daisy

Driving Etiquette 101 for Teenagers

As temperatures rise and people’s pockets are lightened more rapidly than ever due to the current economic disaster, so unfortunately people’s own tempers can flare on the road. As a refresher, following the basic rules of driving that we all learned at a younger age will go a long way to ensure safety for all.

Let People In: You've heard the term "one good turn deserves another." That's also true when driving. Proper driving etiquette can be contagious. If you let someone in to the traffic flow, they'll probably do the same for someone else down the road. Most people often let people in, if they're signaling, but they expect at least a thank-you wave, and are frustrated when they don't get one. A polite acknowledgement is often forgotten when a driver is in a hurry. For a real twist on this, practice random acts of kindness sometimes too. For example, when on a toll highway, pull up to the attendant and pay your toll and tell them you’d like to pay the toll for the next car as well. You will always get a smile and often times that chain of kindness continues.

Don't Be Aggressive: Allowing more time to reach your destination will make you a safer and more courteous driver. Aggressive driving is dangerous and it puts others in danger as well. People get nervous when a car cuts too close in front of them, especially without signaling and especially when there’s an infant in the car. When you can see both headlights of the car you passed in the centre rear-view mirror, it’s safe to pull back into the right lane and remember to use your turn signal. I find that even when there’s no one else on the road, if I am going to turn onto another road, I use my turn signal automatically. It’s a very good habit to have deeply ingrained in your driving patterns. Trying to cut corners to get through traffic faster doesn't save you any time - it just gets you to the next red light a little sooner, all the while endangering those around you.

Slow Down: Driving within the speed limit seems like a thing of the past. Teenagers can be a group guiltiest of this, simply due to their inexperience of the consquences. Some (not all) zoom down their town streets with little regard that a toddler or stray animal might bolt into the path of their car. I remember watching this one day as a girl ran over a cat. The cat was badly wounded and would eventually die. The girl was devastated. She was truly upset and remorseful and in need of some serious consolation. What a terrible way to have to learn why speed limits are there for a reason.

Be Sober: Driving while under the influence of drugs and alcohol is another serious danger of which we all aware. This is not isolated to a single demographic group. Sadly it covers everyone who has a license, even those below the legal drinking age. More times than not, one loses one’s sense of speed when driving under the influence, which is one reason they’re so easy to nab. Parents really need to teach their children that the dangers of this practice can have serious consequences, such as a criminal record, loss of driver’s license and loss of respect from others and from oneself, not to mention serious injury. There was a party here recently following the senior prom. People from many local high schools came to a central private location where several sets of parents had agreed to be responsible chaperones. All of the keys were collected so there would be no chance of driving under the influence. Those students who thought they’d beat the system by parking on the road to make a fast getaway were greeted with deflated tires (that were inflated the next morning). There were about 200 youth there and there were no troublesome incidents. Those youth are now empowered to teach their own children, when they have them, how to act responsibly.

Drive Defensively: Driving defensively is always the best policy. In order to do that, your full attention must be on the road. Be totally aware of all the cars near you as well as the road conditions. You can’t do this while adjusting the radio, chatting on cell phones (which is illegal in many areas for just that reason) or rummaging for a CD. I know this first hand. I was driving on a ski trip one day with two passengers. I was fumbling for a CD and hit a patch of black ice which was concealed from vision under the snow. The car (a Land Cruiser) went into a spin and crashed off the road into a rock formation and flipped. Through a miracle there were no injuries despite the fact that the vehicle was totaled. Imagine what that outcome could have been.

Civility and good manners will never do us any harm, on or off the road. Driving is a privilege and one which we take for granted far too often. Be ever mindful of those around you. It may just save a life.

It's a Respect Thing

Rising to welcome others

Jay,

The other day my mother was hospitalized overnight. I went to visit her and sat by her bed. The room was small as hospital rooms usually are. During the course of my visit the doctor and a priest stopped in on separate occasions. The doctor was a women between 35-40 years old and the priest was elderly.

When each entered the room, my mother introduced me to them. I shook both of their hands without rising from my chair.My mother thinks I should have stood up but I don't agree with her. I'm 35 years old.

Any thoughts?

-Anonymous

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for asking this good question. I would have to side with your mother on this one. Standing is a sign of respect, something both of these people deserve, as frankly does anyone else. Age and gender really have nothing to do with rising when someone enters your "space". It makes people feel welcome and respected.

I hope this helps, Jay

Planet Etiquette

Recycling, Trash, and General Caring For Our Planet Etiquette

How is our etiquette concerning the planet on which we live?

I try to be mindful of taking care of our delicate planet on a daily basis. I am serious about recycling as is my partner. All of the wine and beer bottles, cans, newspapers, cardboard, plastic bags and vegetable scrapings are all recycled. We use to recycle over 2000 pounds of vegetable scrapings every year when operating the Windsor House. Our garden has good soil as a result, although a ton doesn’t really make as much difference as it sounds. However, every ton of waste not put into the landfill is to the good of the planet.

It amazes me how reckless people are today about the garbage they produce. Coffee cups are strewn along the highway. There are some people who I see regularly picking up discarded pop cans from the roadside as supplemental income, there are so many. The highways in the US and Canada capture so much litter that there are now laws in place to combat offenders. We should know better.

And to those of us who smoke, it is hard to believe how cavalier we have become of making the streets our own personal ashtray. Nothing could be more disrespectful to our visitors and fellow citizens. The town of St. Andrews actually employs someone to pick up cigarette butts as a summer job. How pathetic is that? This reflects so badly on our beautiful town and on the self esteem of our residents who feel it is their right to use the streets as a trash bin. And the sad fact is that no one can point a finger at any one group. I have witnessed this behavior from young and old and all socio-economic classes. It is arrogance at its very worst.

Before I come across as too self righteous, I admit to contributing to this total disregard for the fragility of our planet. I waste water like there is no tomorrow. I don’t turn off lights as I might when not in use. I don’t follow through on certain excellent suggestions from the Department of Energy on ways to use less electricity and conserve natural resources. I drive too much, although I must admit to ‘using’ other gas guzzlers to pick up and drop off my mail.

So, what do we do? What do I do?

Here we are living in one of the most ‘happening’ places on the planet as far as energy goes and we treat it with little respect. We take it for granted. We don’t want to see our streets littered with cigarette butts, yet we constantly flick them away. We’re not doing that consciously because we know someone needs employment to pick them up. We do it unconsciously. It’s like spitting or swearing or wearing clothes that don’t fit, or bullying or beating our children or spouses. It has become a way of life and it must stop. It soils our surroundings in such a negative way.

I can remember a time when there were no leash laws and there were no ‘pooper scooper’ laws. Walking down the streets of Paris or New York was a bit of a mine field. Suddenly people decided to end this horrible and lazy disrespectful behavior. Today, even in our small seaside tourist town, there are leash laws and special dispensers of plastic bags. For the most part, everyone with a dog is careful to follow these regulations. That is considered real progress. And fortunately no one is inconvenienced.

It’s time to take the next step.

We have made a major step forward by banning herbicides and pesticides in our small town. And a local company is testing organic fertilizer. The province provides home energy analyses for practically nothing, with incentives to improve energy efficiency. There are recycle centers which are constantly improving. There are many chances for us to all make a smaller footprint on the planet. What is keeping us from taking advantage of them?

In my opinion, these values must be taught at home and reinforced in the school system. Given the high cost of ‘deposit’ fees, this should be pretty easy when it comes to bottles and cans. Newspapers are trickier because you actually have to stack them up and take them to the recycle bin, and you get no cash in return. What a pity! Do it anyway. I find that every trip I take to the recycle bins gives me a sense of doing the right thing and it feels good. But maybe that’s just me. So many people feel the same way.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we all did?

Reader Question: Holiday Etiquette

Travel Etiquette for the Holidays

Jay,

This will be my first holiday season in my own apartment with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. As excited as I am to decorate, bake and enjoy the holidays as an adult, I am a little concerned about how to handle some of the holiday activites.

We are going to see our entire family (his & mine) on Thanksgiving. Is it wrong of us to want to spend Christmas Day in our own home this year instead of hiking from house 1, house 2, etc.? My family has a bit of an old mentality, and expects us to be there since we are 1) not married yet and 2) are not hosting the holidays ourselves.

Should we suck it up and travel all day during Christmas, or enjoy a couple's Christmas in the place we worked so hard to obtain?

Thanks,

Laurel

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Laurel,

Thanks for asking this really good question. I have found myself in this position both as a single person with a significant other and as a married person.

My experience tells me that parents usually do want their children to make the trek, sometimes even if they are burdened with kids, but I can totally identify with your position of wanting to spend Christmas in your home with your beloved.

My advice is to be as compassionate to yourselves and to your families as possible. This means being accommodating when possible, yet protecting your private time as well and without feelings of guilt. I think family traditions become traditions because most of the time they work well. If you step and back and look at the big picture, you in fact may be the most flexible; in which case you would be appropriately expected to bend more.

This in no way diminishes your desire to spend a quiet private Christmas in your own home. The symbolism which surrounds that is very strong and important. It is also resilient. My advice is to follow your instincts and "suck it up". Be grateful that you have two families to visit on such an important holiday.

I hope this helps, Jay

Reader Question - Napkin Etiquette

Teaching Etiquette Early

Dear Jay,

I get very annoyed if my dinner guests (who are often in-laws) do not use their napkins. Is this just a lack of good manners on their part and poor upbringing? I have another question brought on by a situation where a waitress picked up my napkin and placed it on my lap before taking my order. Was this the "proper" thing for her to do? Actually, it was a rather high class eating place and I assumed this must be done at such a place, as I could not imagine it happening at our local Pizza Hut. Perhaps you can set me right as to the do's and don’ts of napkin etiquette. I hope you don’t find my questions too trivial.

With thanks, Elizabeth

Jay's ANSWER:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thanks for asking these good questions. There are no trivial questions when it comes to proper etiquette. Your in-laws are exhibiting poor manners most likely as a result of an upbringing where manners were not important enough to be instilled in them at an early age. As you noticed by your frustration, not teaching children how to behave properly early on does them a huge disservice as they reach adulthood.

As far as the placing of the napkin on your lap by the waitress goes, in some high end restaurants this is the custom. My advice to you is of course always to follow the lead of your host or hostess. What should happen as soon as everyone is seated is that the host or hostess should unfold and place their napkin on their lap. The guests should in turn follow. If there is no host to follow, once everyone (even if it's only two) is seated, the napkin should be unfolded and put on your lap. If this is not done, an attentive waiter will likely do it for you. This is not to be construed as being rude or condescending, but rather as a silent service gesture to indicate that the rituals of the meal are underway. It is a way of communicating to the guest that the staff is now ready to serve you. I hope this answers your question.

Regards, Jay

Expanded Comments on Teaching Etiquette Early...

I really liked answering these questions because they point to the importance of teaching proper etiquette and good social manners at an early age. There is nothing complicated or sophisticated about napkin etiquette. Nor are any of the myriad of other topics which revolve around good manners terribly complex or tricky. However, they must be learned behaviors. No one is born with good manners or bad manners. What we are born with is the ability to adjust to our social environment by following the lead of our parents, and in many cases our school teachers, especially in the case of boarding schools.

But what if our parents don’t know?

Sadly, often times we are left to learn through the school of hard knocks. Why didn’t we get the job; why didn’t we get the promotion we were so expecting? Important interviews are often conducted during a luncheon or dinner. This is not because the interviewer is worried that you may be hungry. As stated in a previous column, it is because they are checking you out. If you don’t know such a simple skill as eating a meal properly, they are wondering what other simple skills you are lacking. Poor manners are what are known as ‘the silent killer’. No one will actually tell you why you didn’t get the job or the promotion. This happens all the time. What’s even more evident is the fact that you feel very uncomfortable in situations involving meals, corporate social gatherings to meet clients, mingle and discuss business. A person without the confidence of good etiquette will inevitably be at a disadvantage.

Take the time in your life to learn good manners and realize what a difference this makes in all social gatherings.

It is never too late to learn all the basic social graces and corporate etiquette you need to know in order to feel comfortable and confident in any situation. There are consultants, such as myself, who teach short seminars. There are many books in the library which deal with this subject. We have, today, as a society hit the bottom as far as good manners go, either in social or business circles. If we hope to succeed in the global society, we must make a concerted effort to improve on these skills. And it is at home that this must begin.

Take the time to have family meals where the table is properly set. Learn to have civil discussions around the dinner table. As was pointed out recently during the debates, it is okay to disagree, but is not okay to be disagreeable. Make good manners a priority at home. The schools around here are doing brilliantly at teaching many important core values. Parents must lead the charge in teaching and instilling the soft skills which will make the youth of today the leaders of tomorrow.

So during this upcoming holiday season, take the time to make sure that these family get-togethers are not only joyous, but that they are imbued with civility. You will find that the joy becomes even greater.

There are so many details to look after in the planning of a wedding, that the protocol and etiquette surrounding these grand affairs can be complex. A wedding is one of the most important events in one’s life. It can also be and usually is one of the most stressful events in one’s life even if it is well organized.

Reader Question: Neighborly Neighbors

Etiqutte for Dealing With Unannounced Visits by Neighbors

I have recently been approached by two different families concerning a real problem with neighbors. In searching my library of etiquette books, I found no reference to this and so am addressing it here. The matter at hand is unannounced visits by neighbors.

In the ‘old days’ one did not call on anyone without phoning first to see if it would be convenient. Today, this consideration has seemingly flown out the window.

We visited close friends a couple of weeks ago. This was a planned visit and we were to stay for several days. Our hostess was not at home when we arrived and we went to let ourselves in only to find a padlock on the gate. I said, “I bet it’s because of the neighbors. I bet they were finally forced to take this step. As the old saying goes, ‘drastic times call for drastic measures’.”

We knew there was a history with the neighbors' children just showing up unannounced and uninvited to play or to be entertained; and not only the children, but the parents as well. It turns out that my hunch was correct. The behavior finally drove our friends to having to actually lock their back gate. The neighbor’s six-year-old son was also too clingy with our friends’ two-year-old son. It made our friends increasingly uncomfortable, yet they were at a loss of what to do to remedy the situation.

As awkward and uncomfortable as it may be, there really is no alternative than to confront the neighbors head on. This does not have to be combative or unfriendly, but I do feel that the facts need to be clearly laid out as well as the feelings that are generated as a direct result. Inappropriate physical contact needs to be delicately yet swiftly handled as well, as this may require some professional help. Sadly, these behaviors can go unnoticed by seemingly caring intelligent parents.

On this same topic, I received a question from a reader with a very similar problem...

Dear Jay,

I have some very nice neighbors, with some fairly 'pushy' children. We have a privacy fence; however, on one side of us, our neighbor's 9 year old son will peek over or through the fence to ask my boys (who are only aged 2 & 4) to ask me to invite him over. Recently, after I said no, he told them to ask me again. His mother is very sweet and often offers to watch them for me and will talk in the front yard with my children if we happen to see each other in passing. I want to keep a nice relationship, but I feel odd allowing her son to come over when he is so much older than my kids. Several other children in the neighborhood (who are also much older and whom we barely know) have peeked in through our gate/fence to ask to come over and play as well. (We have a swing set structure). I keep saying no, but they keep asking, and I am starting to dread going in my own backyard when I know the neighborhood kids are out. Am I wrong to keep saying no? If not, how do I handle this so they don't keep asking?

Sorry for the long explanation and question!

Thanks for your help,

Tricia

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Tricia,

Thanks for asking this sensitive question. This is an all too common problem.

As I see it, you have two choices.

1) You need to speak with their mothers and let them know that this behavior is bothering you and is in fact worrisome. The kids are acting inappropriately and should be corrected. If you're in a mood to want them over for a play session, let them know you'll invite them. Aside from not having control of your own back yard right now, you also have some liability issues should anyone get hurt.

2) Another alternative is to speak with the kids themselves and let them know that when you have time to watch them you'll invite them over. So, no, you are not wrong for saying no, but following the 'no' with a short explanation may make it sink in better.

I hope this helps,

Jay

Expanded Thoughts on Unwanted Neighbors...

Looking back on that answer, I would like to add that there is a privacy issue here too. People need to respect one another’s privacy. When I grew up this was instilled in me as a very young boy. Although we enjoyed visiting friends and family, we would never do so without phoning first. It is inconsiderate. It shows utter disregard for another person’s time. When we ran the Inn, my time was not my own. I treasured my private time. I learned how important it is to me. I still feel that way and I think deep down inside, we all do.

Teens Testing Boundaries

Teaching Thanks

Jay,

I am a mom of three teenagers who seem to have no respect for handwritten thank you notes after receiving a gift. " I already told them thank you when I opened it." "I don't want to seem redundant." "They know I am thankful."

I find these answers rude and inconsiderate of the amount of thought, love and caring that went into thinking of them (on a birthday, Christmas or graduation) and I don't understand how they can think that this is acceptable. I used to not allow them to play with any of their toys until thank you notes were written. Now with the eye rolling and "I wouldn't want someone to keep thanking me over ad over." I am beside myself.

Please help. Is a verbal "thanks" enough?

-Laura

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Laura,

Thanks for asking this good question. Kids, especially teenagers, are always testing boundaries and questioning authority. Parents must be clear and firm with their directions, and often times setting a good example is the way children learn. They have obviously not received a thank you note themselves in order to experience the joy a thank you note can generate. By not writing a thank you note, they are demonstrating a lack of gratitude and a lack of respect. These are not good qualities to be exhibiting and there need to be consequences.

I would think a non-threatening chat might help. If kids understand why these rules or guidelines are in place, explained in a non-dictatorial way, they tend to "get it". Of greater concern to me is the disrespect they are showing you with their flippant answers. Somewhere along the line they were allowed to get away with this. Basically you have enabled them to become this way. You and your husband need to be united in your approach in dealing with this issue. If they don't learn the principle of cause and effect now, they will have to learn it later in life.

I hope this helps, Jay

Don't Ignore an RSVP Request

RSVP Etiquette

I have noticed that the RSVP on invitations in certain instances is ignored. Most invitations ask that the recipient RSVP. This is a simple but very important request. The translation of RSVP, the French expression ‘Respondez s'il vous plais’, is simply ‘please respond’ or ‘please reply’. The RSVP is the means for the host to gather essential information to complete the party or function arrangements. The RSVP clearly indicates how many people will or will not attend the event. It lets the host/hostess proceed with ordering food and beverages, creating a seating plan, hiring the correct number of wait staff and other obvious considerations in planning a successful occasion.

I have noticed that most people do in fact reply to private party invitations. Once you decide to accept an invitation, it really is important to show up, especially if a sit down meal is being prepared and served. Last minutes cancellations with a very legitimate excuse are acceptable. But ‘no-shows’ are inappropriate and extremely rude. Likewise, last minute replies are thoroughly disrespectful. If you are so late in replying that the host/hostess phones you to see if you are planning to attend a function, you ought to realize your gaff immediately, and apologize for your faux pas and any inconvenience which may have resulted. Apply the adage of walking in someone else's shoes and imagine yourself in the position of hosting a party without a clue to the number of people who will be attending.

For public or institutional affairs it is equally important to reply to invitations. These events require a lot of planning and a head count is crucial. Many times, people think RSVP means ‘regrets only’. It does not. If I am invited to an opening at a museum and there is an RSVP, I call immediately to let them know one way or the other. And, I might add, that no one is exempt from replying. Many times public figures are invited to special events as a sign of respect and courtesy. They must reply to such invitations for exactly the same reasons everyone else must.

At these large public gatherings, if you have not replied to the invitation, do not just show up thinking your host will be thrilled to see you. I have been to many such events where there is a list of who has replied. If you’re not on that list, you may well not be admitted. You are less likely to be turned away at the door for a non-profit group. Because these organizations cannot afford to offend anyone, protocol is broken or stretched. But keep in mind that you are still a guest and ought to return the courtesy of the invitation and hospitality that has been extended to you. Be prepared for a solicitation for a donation or request for volunteer help with various projects. These are some of the ways non-profits remain in existence doing good for the community.

There are various schedules one follows when mailing invitations depending on the kind of event or party. However, one should reply within 48 hours of receiving any invitation if possible. Unless otherwise stated on the invitation, replies should be in writing. In today’s fast paced society, most invitations have telephone numbers or emails for quick reply. Some contain a reply card to indicate the number of people attending and perhaps a card for choosing an entrée. Whatever the method of reply, do it promptly. Always put yourself in the position of the host or hostess.

Invitations are very clearly addressed. If the invitation is addressed to Mr. John Doe and Guest, then he is invited to bring along a guest – any guest of his choice. I heard recently of a wedding invitation where a gentleman was invited to bring a guest. The bride found out who the guest was and announced that the guest in question wouldn't be welcome. The bride did not want to be upstaged by the extraordinary beauty of the lady who was to accompany the invited guest. Once you have sent an invitation there is no taking it back-that just does not happen in polite society. Once a person RSVPs, the host/hostess accepts whatever decision the guest has made without further stipulation or regulation. How ludicrous! What a peculiar and cruel way for a bride to behave. That was a first for me.

If the invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family, that refers to immediate family, i.e. children. If the invitation does not state “and family”, do not ask if you may bring the children or others. Your asking this of a host/hostess puts him/her in an awkward position and makes you look foolish. However, in the case of an informal party, such as a pool party, as it’s a family kind of affair, it is acceptable to call and explain that you have house guests and ask if they might be included. More often than not extra guests are welcome.

RSVPs are one of the most essential parts of an invitation. Please respect them and respond as quickly as possible. This is one way that you as the guest can contribute to the success of the party and help ensure less stress for the host or hostess. This small gesture is always a winner.

Say Thank-You, Often

Thank-You Card Etiquette for all Stages of Life

The very first thank-you notes I wrote were for Christmas presents. My mother, sister and I would sit down the day after Christmas with our boxes of note cards and lists of gifts and who had given them to us. Everyone who had given us a gift received a hand written thank-you note.

This at first seemed like a daunting task for an eight year old, but as the years rolled by it became a routine which we looked forward to. Learning to compose a note that had some personality was the challenge. Penmanship was also important. Cards with mistakes had to be discarded and begun anew. In this day and age where actual hand writing has unfortunately taken a back seat to the computer, penmanship is atrocious. Teachers take note! Even students in high school can barely write their names in a legible way. Nonetheless, I have received numerous heartfelt notes from students which meant a great deal to me. And because they were so personal, I know the gratitude that the students felt was sincere.

There are many times when writing a note of thanks is important. There also is a certain feeling of warmth that one gets from writing them. You should send a thank-you note when you are given a gift, sent flowers, asked to lunch or dinner, invited for a weekend, asked to a concert or performance of some kind or when someone does something nice or helpful in a business or social situation such as an introduction or letter of reference. I write far too few thank-you notes. However, I do make a point of phoning whenever I am invited to dinner. People appreciate knowing that the effort that went into cooking dinner and the camaraderie of the time spent together with friends was genuinely enjoyed.

There is an excellent book which was recently published by a colleague of mine entitled 101 Ways to Say Thank You. In it Kelly Browne gives excellent examples of what to actually say in such notes. It has great tips on buying stationary, superlative words to use in a note and many helpful suggestions.

Imagine the delight in receiving a thank-you note. I find that it strengthens friendships and relationships, especially in business situations which are just budding. Whenever someone extends themselves to celebrate a happy occasion, lend a helping hand, make an introduction for you or acknowledge a difficult time you may be experiencing, take the time to write a note. It takes only a few minutes. In some cases notes with “Thank-you” can be purchased at a stationary store or at local gift shops. Some of the highest quality stationary is sold by Crane & Company in the US. They have an excellent website and have a wide variety of cards and stationary which can be personally engraved if required. You can buy note cards at the Dollar Store as well, so there’s not a lot of expense required to accomplish this mission.

In business situations, thank-you notes can be sent via email. It is a matter of discretion however and a hand written or typed note may serve your purposes better. Whatever you decide, be sure that the note is sincere and includes a reference to the purpose of your meeting. If you are sending a note to an interviewer from whom you want a job, be sure not to send a gift. In most companies as well as in government, there are policies against accepting gifts.

In the case of weddings and the tremendous joy and love and support you receive from friends and family, thank-you notes are essential and absolutely must be hand written. And there is no reason why the bride needs to be the sole writer. The groom should share in that responsibility. Be sure that as you open your presents at showers that someone records the gift and the sender. For wedding presents which arrive in the post, one trick which comes in handy is to cut off the return address from the package and attach it to the gift or gift card. Again be sure you have a list and as each thank-you note is written, check it off the list.

The most important thing to remember is to say thank-you often. There are so many more occasions to verbally express your gratitude to another person than there will be reasons for a hand written note. Use the phone if you want to. Speak directly to the person to whom you are grateful. I know of no one who says thank-you too often. Say it with a smile on your face and make direct eye contact. This will go a long way to show the respect you have for others and for yourself.

Reader Question - Phone Etiquette

How to Answer the Phone

Dear Jay,

I have two questions. Firstly: how should one answer the telephone at one's home, and how should employees be instructed to answer a business phone? Secondly, shouldn't one announce who is making the phone call? I find it disconcerting when I have no idea to whom I'm speaking.

Yours truly,
V.R.

Jay's ANSWER

Dear V.R.,

Answering the telephone at home and at work does have different protocols and manners associated with them.

At home, one should answer the telephone with an enthusiastic ‘hello’. The tone of one’s voice says a lot about your frame of mind. Even if you’re not in a good mood, and you decide to answer the phone, inject warmth into your voice. It makes others feel good. If you can’t manage to do this, which some people just can’t, then let the answering machine take the call.

If the call is for someone else, refrain from shouting out the person’s name if they are in another room or on another floor. It’s rude and upsetting to others who can hear you. For that matter, if you need to speak with someone who is visually out of sight and likely out of earshot of a normal voice, get up and go to that person. If someone does that to me, I don’t answer. Call me old fashioned, but it was not tolerated in my household when I was growing up.

Teach children how to have good telephone manners as well. You must understand these good manners yourself. It’s kind of like men wearing hats (or baseball caps or toques) indoors. How are children supposed to learn that that’s just wrong if you don’t teach them by example? Answering telephones can be a serious matter. Wearing a hat inside the house is just disrespectful and bad manners. Strangers can call and unsuspecting children can give out way too much information. I remember calling a friend’s house once, looking for either him or his wife. The house sitter answered the phone and told me that they would be away for a week. I had not identified myself, and had I been a thief, with the information she gave me, I would have been able to stage a robbery. Moreover, if small children are at home, a kidnapping could have taken place. I know this may sound alarmist to some folks, but this stuff happens and it is extremely important to teach your children at an early age exactly what to say.

Apologize if you dial a wrong number; don’t eat or drink while speaking on the phone as those unattractive sounds are magnified; and turn down the radio or TV when answering a call for the same reason. Keep a note pad and pencil by each phone and write down messages which will be clear and have all of the pertinent information. Make every effort to return any calls within 24 hours. And if you do not want to answer the telephone, for whatever reason, don't!

At the office, the protocol is somewhat different. Still, a cheery voice gives a good impression of your company. You never know when the call coming in is from a first time caller. It helps to actually smile when you answer the phone. Unless you have your own home business, an enthusiastic ‘hello’ is not sufficient. It is much better to answer with “Windsor House, Jay speaking”, or “Good afternoon, the Windsor House”. Recorded greetings which direct you somewhere else are totally annoying. We all really want to get a live person on the wire. Telephone companies, banks and credit card companies are notorious for this.

If you are an executive assistant, be sure to always use an honorific (Mr., Dr. or Ms.) before the person’s name. For example, say, “Dr. Smith’s office, Ms. Jones speaking.” This gives the proper dignity due the person being phoned. When calling, and you get the secretary of the person you are looking for, feel free to leave a complicated massage if the secretary is capable. Some corporations have highly skilled executive secretaries that can make heaven and earth move. Establishing working relationships with these individuals on the phone can be incredibly helpful in conducting future business.

In answer to your second question, yes it is necessary to identify yourself when you place a call. It is frustrating to be carrying on a conversation with someone only to later realize you have the wrong person on the other end of the phone. Being mindful of another’s time is also a courtesy to extend. Ask if this is a good time to speak with the other person.

In any event, be sure to be civil on the phone. Never raise your voice or lose your temper. This is a sure fire way to lose a client or a contact. I find a pleasant phone call can make my day. One that goes on and on can have the opposite effect. Showing respect for one another is the name of the game.

Meet Stage of Life's Etiquette Coach

Our Etiquette Expert

Why Jay? It's simple...Jay knows etiquette.

For years Jay has planned and managed royal, corporate, political and social events and parties, some of them for up to 500 people. As a graduate of the Protocol School of Washington, he offers workshops on business, social and dining etiquette, as well as international protocol for a variety of audiences. From teenage students to corporate clients, Jay teaches everything from the basics of a handshake to the subtleties of developing a business relationship during a networking dinner. His course on self-esteem in youth, in particular, has been encouraged by Dr. Piet Forni, founder of the Civility institute at Johns Hopkins University. Originally from Delaware, Jay now lives in St. Andrews, New Brunswick, Canada where he has written a weekly etiquette column in the National Post and is a current columnist in New Brunswick’s Telegraph Journal. He is a Social Etiquette and Good Manners expert on allexperts.com and has answered over 1,000 questions from people around the world...and he's now ready to answer your questions here on Stage of Life.

Just let us know your question, your stage of life, and we'll post your question and Jay's official etiquette response on this page.

You can read more about Jay on his website, EtiquetteGuy.com

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