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|  | Just Droppin' By
Is it rude to drop by unannounced?
Dear Jay,
Is it rude for someone to just drop by unannounced if you've only met them once or twice, and they are not a close relative?
--Ms. Johnson
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Ms. Johnson,
Frankly, I think it's rude for anyone, close relative or the traveling salesman, to drop by unannounced. I wouldn't have daren't do so with my own mother!
I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Splitting the Cost
Should a married couple count as one?
Dear Jay,
My sister received a phone call from her friend. My sister is single, and her friend is married. The friend asked my sister and another friend to take a road trip with her and her husband. The married friend thinks that they should split things three ways; since her and her husband are paying out of the same account, they count as one. I think since there are four people they should be splitting things four ways.
What's the proper way to split the costs? Does the married couple count as one, or is her friend trying to take advantage?
Jay's ANSWER...
There is no way two people can count as one. Four people divide the bills by four. That's common sense and the right thing to do. Good Heavens, what were they thinking?!!
I hope this is clear--and helps
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Who Gets the King Bed?
Should a married couple get the king bed on vacation?
Dear Jay,
My son and I are going to Fiji for a holiday. I am a single parent and we have a two bedroom apartment booked and paid for. The apartment has a king bed in one room and two single beds in the other.
Today, my sister told me she and her husband are going to come with us. Do I have to give them the king bed, even though I have paid for the accommodation? My son and I can share the king bed and still be more comfortable than in a single bed each.
--Nicole
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Nicole,
Thanks for asking this excellent question! Technically, no - if you are paying the bill, the choice is yours. However, logic would dictate that a married couple would be offered the king bed. They may well prefer to have the twin accommodation or better yet, they may ask which you prefer. In any event, the hotel may be able to make a change for you, such as joining the two twin beds together for you and your son, thus creating exactly the same sleeping space as a king.
Try to always take the high road when dealing with such situations. Since your sister and her husband are your guests - presumably you had some choice in this matter - then putting them first is the correct thing for a host to do, but not to the detriment of your own needs. I hope this is more of a help than a hindrance.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Disrespectful Visitors
What is the polite way to tell adult married children they are rude and disrespectful?
Dear Jay,
We have an adult daughter and her husband who request overnight visits with either parents or a grandfather. Yet the there is no social visit. These children merely want a free bed and no interaction. They make separate plans or stay locked up in a guest room all hours.
And do not thank their hosts. Ever.
What is the polite way to tell adult married children they are rude and disrespectful to their parents and grandparents?
--Edgar
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Edgar,
Good manners are learned at home. Somewhere along the line some of these seem to have slipped through the cracks. My advice at this stage of the game is to have a chat with your daughter and explain your feelings. Lay down a few rules of respect, as you thought they had been already understood.
You are fully within your rights to have house rules. Lack of gratitude is another basic principle gone missing. It's never too late to teach these important life skills either to your children or to theirs as they come along.
I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Guest Visiting Etiquette
How do we handle a guest who over extends his visit?
Dear Stage of Life,
My husband's uncle frequently comes to town to stay with us or my husband's mom (who is his uncle's sister). We are all to the point where we dread his visits. My father-in-law even volunteered to work during his vacation just to get away from him for a while. He's decent about communicating when he's planning to arrive. But he never gives us an exact end date, and he always has an excuse as to why he has to stay longer.
He lives several states away and he drives quite a distance to get here, which also means he's not locked into departure date because he drives vs flies here. If he comes for the holidays, he stays well after the holidays are over, even though we all have to go back to work and are trying to get back to our daily routines.
We drop numerous hints and ask several times when he plans to leave and we never get a straight answer or an exact end time. We love him very much and don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel unwelcome but we are to the point of misery.
Please help!
--Toni
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Toni,
How annoying it is when guests become intruders! You must stand your ground. Your house is your castle and you set the rules, including when you will be receiving guests. Obviously you have allowed this disrespectful behavior to go for many years and therefore as a result, you have actually endorsed it.
You can reverse this process, however, and just explain a few simple ground rules. Do this before your guests arrive, therefore no surprises. You could issue an apology for not having been clearer in the past, but due to changing schedules and personal obligations, these are the new rules.
This will take a little getting used to, especially on your part. Stand united with your husband on this new plan of action. It will easier than you think.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Doormat Friend
How do I tell my friend I'm not going to help pay for their birthday party?
Dear Stage of Life,
I've got what feels to be a big embarrassing mess on my hands. My out of town friend makes a big deal of her birthday every year. She lives in another city and is very "social". For the past several years she has decided to celebrate her birthday to coincide with a social event in the city where I live, organizing dinners & activities where others end up paying the bill (this often happens in many places - she "organizes" and in turn expects to be comped).
This year she has managed to get two other women that I don't know very well involved - one of them is the "host" on the evite and the other owns the penthouse where the party will be held.
My friend suggested I contact these ladies to "help" (I'm the volunteering type aka fool), and she sent me their numbers. I phoned the host and she indicated that she wasn't doing much other than recommending a caterer and perhaps I should call the owner of the venue who would be doing most of the work. I was later copied by my friend on an email to the host indicating what beverages she thought were needed (case of red, case of white, case of "good" champagne, etc.) and that I could be of help because I have many contacts. Now, mind you, the co-hosts are extremely well connected affluent women who entertain a great deal in high profile businesses.
My husband and I are unemployed and live our lives as simply as possible and my husband is fed up with my friend's habitual impositions. I suddenly began to feel set up and quickly emailed my "friend" that my husband and I would bring a case of white wine (after a horrible disagreement with my husband over this). But several hours later the owner of the venue left me a message to phone her. I'm afraid that she ( and maybe the other woman, too ) is under the impression that I will "help" by sharing other expenses for my "friend's" birthday which I'm certain will run thousands of dollars.
Unfortunately the answer to my question is obvious - I should confront my friend about this - the question is "how"?
This is extremely embarrassing for all (except for her, and I assure you she is not going to change nor will she accept any responsibility or criticism without a fight ). Any suggestions on what to say and to whom??? Thank you for your consideration!
--Olga
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Olga,
The time has come for clear communication.
I can see a pattern developing here, and you are the only one to change it. The tipping point came when you and your husband had a 'horrible disagreement'. Your 'out-of-town friend' needs to be set straight, lest you face this 'mess' again. Volunteering to help with a party does not mean underwriting it, or as you so eloquently described the role as being a 'fool'.
My advice at this stage of the game is to email each of the women involved separately, explaining that through no fault of theirs, there has perhaps been a misunderstanding, and that you want to be clear what you are able to assist with. No need to explain what you won't assist with or why! People are known to go blithely through life unaware of their surroundings. Your socialite friend seems to fit into that category rather nicely. Don't allow yourself to be swept up in this bullying dynamic. Stand by your husband here and stop being a doormat.
Taking back your power can be as challenging as it is invigorating, and it sounds as though you have no other choice. If she puts up a fight or acts uncivilly, perhaps it's time to edit her from your list of circle of friends.
Remember though to always take the high road and resist fighting fire with fire.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Visiting Out of Town Friends
Am I responsible for a guest's pets if my guests are staying overnight?
Dear Stage of Life,
Is it rude to make dinner plans of your own when you are visiting friends who live out of town, but you are staying in your own rented property (not a house guest) while in town?
We would include them in an invitation, and would love for them to join us, but since we've never visited their town (beach resort), we would like to take advantage of what the area has to offer.
--Teresalma
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Teresalma,
No, it is not at all rude. There should be no reason to take all of your meals with your friends. I would imagine your friends feel the same way. You may want to discuss this with them once you arrive. If you are staying a week, plan on dinner with them 4 nights - the other 3 are your "date" nights.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards,
Jay
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 | Wine Etiquette
What is the etiquette regarding serving drinks?
Dear Stage of Life,
When someone comes over to your home for dinner, and say, they bring: a champagne bottle, a bottle of red and a bottle of liqueur.
What is the etiquette regarding drinks (alcohol)?
Thank you!
Em
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Em,
How clever of you to invite such generous guests!
If the bottles were intended as a hostess present, you would be under no obligation to serve them that evening. If, however they were brought as an offering to share for the evening and you did not already have a firm wine service in mind, then confer with the guest and ask if he or she has a preference of when they were served.
The champagne could go first as a before dinner drink, or it could saved and served with dessert. In either case, the red wine should be served with the dinner.
Liqueurs are traditionally poured after dinner, with coffee in many cases.
You may want to suggest opening and decanting the red wine for it to have a chance to breathe before dinner. Or you want to suggest storing the champagne in the fridge until dessert. Everyone will be so thrilled to be the recipients of such largesse, whichever order is selected, it will be perfect!
I hope this has been of some help.
Kind regards,
Jay
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| In-Law Etiquette
What is the protocol when entertaining your out-of-town in-laws for the first time?
Dear Stage of Life,
I would like to know what are the etiquette rules when inviting your in-laws for the first time to your home?
If they are not from the same city where I live, and it was agreed that I will receive them at my home first, then can you answer these questions..
- Should I take them out to dinner in a restaurant?
- Or...should I serve them at home...and if so...what should I serve them when they first arrive?
- What kind of beverages should I serve? Does it differ according to the weather (winter or summer)?
- And when it comes to the restaurant, should I ask them what is their favorite restaurant or pick a local favorite and surprise them with my choice?
Thank you very much for your consideration.
Sincerely,
-R
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear R,
How excited you must be to welcome your in-laws to your home. Remember first and foremost that it is your home. Be welcoming. If they drink Champagne, that would be a nice drink to offer them, but be prepared for them to perhaps like a cup of tea.
Winter or summer makes no difference; perhaps in the hot summer iced tea or lemonade might be nice, but people rarely turn down a celebratory class of champagne.
You should choose the restaurant yourself and plan to pay the bill. Pick a restaurant you think they would enjoy and that you can afford. You are the host. Do so with conviction and grace.
Kind regards,
Jay
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| To call or not call?
Should you walk into a friend's or family member's home without first announcing your visit?
Dear StageofLife.com,
I was brought up to always call family or friends if I wished to visit, to see if it would be convenient for them. I have, in fact, taught this practice to my own children.
However, I seem to be in the minority here and my friends think I am super strange. Many times I have been at the home of a friend or neighbor (either having coffee or watching a movie), only to have their family or friends just walk into the house unannounced. Often I find this extremely uncomfortable and cannot wait to leave. I find it super rude. My friends do not.
The mother of my son-in-law walks into their house any time as well. My daughter hates it. Locking the door doesn't work with her either, because she has a key, and uses it. The key was given to her to use in case of emergency.
To me, my home is my haven, where I can kick back and relax with no worries about anyone walking in. Am I wrong??
--Jan
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Jan,
You and I were brought up identically. You are absolutely 100% correct, no question about it. Now...how each of us chooses to run our households is personal obviously, but I can assure you that if someone were to arrive at my doorstep unannounced, they would likely not do it a second time. It is the height of rudeness.
Stick by your guns!
Kind regards,
Jay
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| Rude younger sister or inconsiderate older brother?
Protocol for entering a room - it's your responsibility to announce your arrival...
Dear StageofLife.com,
Almost two years ago my husband and I were visiting with his younger brother and his wife at their home. We had been visiting almost a half-hour when their younger sister comes in, walks right past my husband (oldest brother) and begins speaking with her other brother and his wife about some computer/internet problems she is having.
We sat there another 10 minutes and she still did not acknowledge her oldest brother. We finally said our goodbyes and left.
When we went to visit again, we now found out we have become the outcasts for not speaking to her. This scenario has continued and we didn't even say anything to the rest of the family about her lack of consideration for her older brother. It is not our aim to make her look bad, we just felt it was totally bad manners to treat her brother that way.
My question is were we lacking in manners or was it his sister lack of manners?
-The Outcasts
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Outcast,
Technically speaking, the younger sister is at fault for not announcing her entrance in some way, such as saying hello to everyone assembled. She has no social graces, nor does the rest of the family for not recognizing this sister's inappropriate behavior and suggesting she apologize. If it isn't your aim to make her look bad, I suggest you have an honest, private, non-confrontational chat. This is hardly a skirmish worth risking family relationships over.
Kind regards, Jay.
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
 | Is texting a married man at 3am appropriate?
Etiquette involving married couples
Dear StageofLife.com,
I feel like these days, not many people are aware of the etiquette involving a married couple. What I mean is that not many people seem to know the way they should act around married people.
To me, it's intuitive that a single woman should not be calling a married man at 3am in the morning or texting him constantly throughout the day. She shouldn't be in contact with him constantly or at odd hours. The same goes for a single man and a married woman.
Some, however, seem to think that this is perfectly okay. Am I seriously overreacting, or have the rules changed in this respect?
A marriage is a sacred thing that it should be respected by everybody. I seem to be alone in believing this. Can you explain to us any guidelines that people should follow around married individuals?
Anonymous
Jay's ANSWER...
The question posed about appropriate communications between single and married people is one which many people are afraid to ask, but is quite a common problem.
Essentially, if one is going to express unusual sentiments or emotions to another person, they need to be sure this is okay with the other person prior to acting. Phone calls at 3am are inappropriate unless an emergency arises. Respecting the privacy of married couples is important and has not changed.
This is a two-way street, however and the responsibility falls on both parties' shoulders. Common sense comes in handy when considering these kinds of situations. Under usual circumstances, erring on the side of caution is always advisable. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and the answer may be clearer.
I hope this helps! Jay
 If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.
--StageofLife.com |
 | Lack of Awareness
Look Around You and Be Polite
This may sound like an exercise akin to patting your head and rubbing your tummy, but I am quite serious about this seemingly simple concept. A reader recently sent me this note illustrating the lack of awareness and kindness towards others. Perhaps we can all learn from this reader’s questions.
“I really enjoy your column. Thanks for the great suggestions for the New Year, which I intend to use. One thing that maybe you could consider writing about is the following: It really bothers me that many people today seem to just live in their own world and have little consideration for others who are around them. Often I have walked into a building right after someone who does not appear to know that I am there and drops the door on me.
“Another beef that I have is people shopping in grocery store aisles, often with a number of family members, who run into someone that they know and proceed to block the aisle as they carry on a conversation.
“I think the one that bothers me the most is when you get behind someone at the local drugstore or convenience store who insists on making their purchase, get their air mile points, pay all their utilities, and both check all their lotto tickets and buy new ones while others are waiting behind them! There just seems to be a general inconsideration for others demonstrated here. I used to buy my gas at a convenience store in the Fredericton area where the owner had a policy that customers could not do prolonged lotto ticket transactions if others were waiting. More than once I have just put my purchases down and walked out!
“I know that I sound like the complainer here but it really does bother me! Happy New Year and looking forward to reading you in 2012.”
The scenarios outlined above are ones to which we can all relate. No one likes having a door surprisingly slammed in his or her face. But it does happen frequently! People just do not look behind them to see if someone is coming and politely hold the door open for that next person. What we need to practice is being polite by taking just seconds to be aware of those around us. I find that when I experience these annoying situations, a bit of self-reflection often reveals a need to slow down and be more aware of what I am doing.
In grocery stores or any store with narrow aisles and shopping carts, it is helpful to look around and try not to inconvenience others. I am not suggesting that a good ‘gossip’ isn’t appropriate quietly in the store, but most customers are not there for social purposes. They need to get in and get out. The lesson here is to consider putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. The Golden Rule comes in handy frequently. This is another call to slow down and be aware of those around you, even putting them and their feelings before yours upon occasion.
The multi-tasker at the super market or at the bank or even at the ticket counter can really be annoying. We have become accustomed to one-stop shopping and find accomplishing a number of chores at one place very satisfying. However, if there is a line of people behind you watching you wind through your list of lottery tickets or other time-consuming tasks, I recommend coming back at a time when the lines may be shorter. This is akin to going through a busy grocery line with a full cart of purchases without helping to bag them. We all know how annoying it is when it happens to us. This is a two-way street. It is inconsiderate and disrespectful.
Let the New Year allow you to start off with a clean slate in one important way. Slow down and pay more attention to exactly what is going on around us. As we interact with other people, whether they are fellow shoppers, clerks, or friends and family, becoming more aware of how our actions affect other people will make for a more civil society. And don’t forget to smile often. We never know how our smile can brighten someone else’s day. It happens often!
--Jay |
 | Standing your ground with visitors
Self-invited house guests
Dear Jay/StageofLife.com,
Three times now, a couple I know only fairly well and like only moderately have invited themselves to stay with me for several days. I suspect that their main reason is that I live in a very pleasant seaside town. They give me a lot of advance notice of their visit, so it's difficult to claim that I have previous engagements so far in advance, and they now know that I have a spare room.
In truth, I don't like having people to stay and only ever invite those really dear to me - my sister, brother and other dear friends and relations who live far away.I live alone and work full-time as a translator from home, without any domestic help.
This couple expect me to be available to entertain them, accompany them on outings and feed them. The man is diabetic, with special dietary requirements, and grumbles a lot about the wet Cornish weather. They do offer to "help", but the main help I need is for them to get out of the kitchen when I'm trying to cook and, anyway, their "help" is useless because they don't know where anything is or how anything works. They leave me feeling completely exhausted mentally and physically.
When they leave they always "invite me back", but they live in a distant town I'm never likely to want to visit or pass through. How can I get myself out of this Wunwanted guest trap" I've allowed myself to fall into? Your advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Jenny
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Jenny,
Thanks for taking the time to ask this very good question. I am glad to see that you are taking responsibility for having "fallen into this trap". You just need to learn how to say 'no'. You are in fact being bullied by these folks, albeit unintentionally (I hope). This is a case of separating facts and feelings.
When you next speak with them simply explain the fact that you do not want any house guests at this time. You live alone for a reason and you need not feel obliged to share that reason with anyone. "I just do not want house guests" should suffice.
Think of it this way. When someone does something to you that you don't like, you say "Please don't do that." They should respect that. If they don't, they are being disrespectful and hurtful, which is unacceptable behavior.You may have to speak in a louder voice to make clear that your boundaries are not to be crossed.
Standing up for one's self is not easy, especially after you've been somewhat of an enabler in the situation. But this is what you need to do.
I hope this helps. Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.
--StageofLife.com |
 | Planet Etiquette
Recycling, Trash, and General Caring For Our Planet Etiquette
How is our etiquette concerning the planet on which we live?
I try to be mindful of taking care of our delicate planet on a daily basis. I am serious about recycling as is my partner. All of the wine and beer bottles, cans, newspapers, cardboard, plastic bags and vegetable scrapings are all recycled. We use to recycle over 2000 pounds of vegetable scrapings every year when operating the Windsor House. Our garden has good soil as a result, although a ton doesn’t really make as much difference as it sounds. However, every ton of waste not put into the landfill is to the good of the planet.
It amazes me how reckless people are today about the garbage they produce. Coffee cups are strewn along the highway. There are some people who I see regularly picking up discarded pop cans from the roadside as supplemental income, there are so many. The highways in the US and Canada capture so much litter that there are now laws in place to combat offenders. We should know better.
And to those of us who smoke, it is hard to believe how cavalier we have become of making the streets our own personal ashtray. Nothing could be more disrespectful to our visitors and fellow citizens. The town of St. Andrews actually employs someone to pick up cigarette butts as a summer job. How pathetic is that? This reflects so badly on our beautiful town and on the self esteem of our residents who feel it is their right to use the streets as a trash bin. And the sad fact is that no one can point a finger at any one group. I have witnessed this behavior from young and old and all socio-economic classes. It is arrogance at its very worst.
Before I come across as too self righteous, I admit to contributing to this total disregard for the fragility of our planet. I waste water like there is no tomorrow. I don’t turn off lights as I might when not in use. I don’t follow through on certain excellent suggestions from the Department of Energy on ways to use less electricity and conserve natural resources. I drive too much, although I must admit to ‘using’ other gas guzzlers to pick up and drop off my mail.
So, what do we do? What do I do?
Here we are living in one of the most ‘happening’ places on the planet as far as energy goes and we treat it with little respect. We take it for granted. We don’t want to see our streets littered with cigarette butts, yet we constantly flick them away. We’re not doing that consciously because we know someone needs employment to pick them up. We do it unconsciously. It’s like spitting or swearing or wearing clothes that don’t fit, or bullying or beating our children or spouses. It has become a way of life and it must stop. It soils our surroundings in such a negative way.
I can remember a time when there were no leash laws and there were no ‘pooper scooper’ laws. Walking down the streets of Paris or New York was a bit of a mine field. Suddenly people decided to end this horrible and lazy disrespectful behavior. Today, even in our small seaside tourist town, there are leash laws and special dispensers of plastic bags. For the most part, everyone with a dog is careful to follow these regulations. That is considered real progress. And fortunately no one is inconvenienced.
It’s time to take the next step.
We have made a major step forward by banning herbicides and pesticides in our small town. And a local company is testing organic fertilizer. The province provides home energy analyses for practically nothing, with incentives to improve energy efficiency. There are recycle centers which are constantly improving. There are many chances for us to all make a smaller footprint on the planet. What is keeping us from taking advantage of them?
In my opinion, these values must be taught at home and reinforced in the school system. Given the high cost of ‘deposit’ fees, this should be pretty easy when it comes to bottles and cans. Newspapers are trickier because you actually have to stack them up and take them to the recycle bin, and you get no cash in return. What a pity! Do it anyway. I find that every trip I take to the recycle bins gives me a sense of doing the right thing and it feels good. But maybe that’s just me. So many people feel the same way.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we all did? |
 | Reader Question: Holiday Etiquette
Travel Etiquette for the Holidays
Jay,
This will be my first holiday season in my own apartment with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. As excited as I am to decorate, bake and enjoy the holidays as an adult, I am a little concerned about how to handle some of the holiday activites.
We are going to see our entire family (his & mine) on Thanksgiving. Is it wrong of us to want to spend Christmas Day in our own home this year instead of hiking from house 1, house 2, etc.? My family has a bit of an old mentality, and expects us to be there since we are 1) not married yet and 2) are not hosting the holidays ourselves.
Should we suck it up and travel all day during Christmas, or enjoy a couple's Christmas in the place we worked so hard to obtain?
Thanks,
Laurel
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Laurel,
Thanks for asking this really good question. I have found myself in this position both as a single person with a significant other and as a married person.
My experience tells me that parents usually do want their children to make the trek, sometimes even if they are burdened with kids, but I can totally identify with your position of wanting to spend Christmas in your home with your beloved.
My advice is to be as compassionate to yourselves and to your families as possible. This means being accommodating when possible, yet protecting your private time as well and without feelings of guilt. I think family traditions become traditions because most of the time they work well. If you step and back and look at the big picture, you in fact may be the most flexible; in which case you would be appropriately expected to bend more.
This in no way diminishes your desire to spend a quiet private Christmas in your own home. The symbolism which surrounds that is very strong and important. It is also resilient. My advice is to follow your instincts and "suck it up". Be grateful that you have two families to visit on such an important holiday.
I hope this helps, Jay
|
 | Don't Ignore an RSVP Request
RSVP Etiquette
I have noticed that the RSVP on invitations in certain instances is ignored. Most invitations ask that the recipient RSVP. This is a simple but very important request. The translation of RSVP, the French expression ‘Respondez s'il vous plais’, is simply ‘please respond’ or ‘please reply’. The RSVP is the means for the host to gather essential information to complete the party or function arrangements. The RSVP clearly indicates how many people will or will not attend the event. It lets the host/hostess proceed with ordering food and beverages, creating a seating plan, hiring the correct number of wait staff and other obvious considerations in planning a successful occasion.
I have noticed that most people do in fact reply to private party invitations. Once you decide to accept an invitation, it really is important to show up, especially if a sit down meal is being prepared and served. Last minutes cancellations with a very legitimate excuse are acceptable. But ‘no-shows’ are inappropriate and extremely rude. Likewise, last minute replies are thoroughly disrespectful. If you are so late in replying that the host/hostess phones you to see if you are planning to attend a function, you ought to realize your gaff immediately, and apologize for your faux pas and any inconvenience which may have resulted. Apply the adage of walking in someone else's shoes and imagine yourself in the position of hosting a party without a clue to the number of people who will be attending.
For public or institutional affairs it is equally important to reply to invitations. These events require a lot of planning and a head count is crucial. Many times, people think RSVP means ‘regrets only’. It does not. If I am invited to an opening at a museum and there is an RSVP, I call immediately to let them know one way or the other. And, I might add, that no one is exempt from replying. Many times public figures are invited to special events as a sign of respect and courtesy. They must reply to such invitations for exactly the same reasons everyone else must.
At these large public gatherings, if you have not replied to the invitation, do not just show up thinking your host will be thrilled to see you. I have been to many such events where there is a list of who has replied. If you’re not on that list, you may well not be admitted. You are less likely to be turned away at the door for a non-profit group. Because these organizations cannot afford to offend anyone, protocol is broken or stretched. But keep in mind that you are still a guest and ought to return the courtesy of the invitation and hospitality that has been extended to you. Be prepared for a solicitation for a donation or request for volunteer help with various projects. These are some of the ways non-profits remain in existence doing good for the community.
There are various schedules one follows when mailing invitations depending on the kind of event or party. However, one should reply within 48 hours of receiving any invitation if possible. Unless otherwise stated on the invitation, replies should be in writing. In today’s fast paced society, most invitations have telephone numbers or emails for quick reply. Some contain a reply card to indicate the number of people attending and perhaps a card for choosing an entrée. Whatever the method of reply, do it promptly. Always put yourself in the position of the host or hostess.
Invitations are very clearly addressed. If the invitation is addressed to Mr. John Doe and Guest, then he is invited to bring along a guest – any guest of his choice. I heard recently of a wedding invitation where a gentleman was invited to bring a guest. The bride found out who the guest was and announced that the guest in question wouldn't be welcome. The bride did not want to be upstaged by the extraordinary beauty of the lady who was to accompany the invited guest. Once you have sent an invitation there is no taking it back-that just does not happen in polite society. Once a person RSVPs, the host/hostess accepts whatever decision the guest has made without further stipulation or regulation. How ludicrous! What a peculiar and cruel way for a bride to behave. That was a first for me.
If the invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family, that refers to immediate family, i.e. children. If the invitation does not state “and family”, do not ask if you may bring the children or others. Your asking this of a host/hostess puts him/her in an awkward position and makes you look foolish. However, in the case of an informal party, such as a pool party, as it’s a family kind of affair, it is acceptable to call and explain that you have house guests and ask if they might be included. More often than not extra guests are welcome.
RSVPs are one of the most essential parts of an invitation. Please respect them and respond as quickly as possible. This is one way that you as the guest can contribute to the success of the party and help ensure less stress for the host or hostess. This small gesture is always a winner. |
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