Bottles, Cans, and Glasses - Beverage Etiquette

Dear Friends,

Summer is winding down, but our thirst has not yet received the message. I hope you enjoy this light discussion on serving your favorite cold drink.

My best, Jay

This summer has gotten off to a rather cool and breezy start; actually it's already half way over and the sweltering heat which has blanketed much of the U.S. has usually eluded us. The cool breezes brought in with the cold waters of the Bay of Fundy have managed to stave off the most oppressive summer heat we too could be experiencing. Nonetheless, summer is an active season and whether we're on the water watching whales or fishing, or if we're on the golf course playing a round of golf or on the courts enjoying a set or two of tennis, we are all likely to work up a healthy thirst. To quench this parched state, we dive into our favorite beverages. Depending on the time of day, we might slug down a cold bottle of water, a chilled can of pop, or a nice chilled glass of ale on tap at our local bar.

What we are in the mood for often decides the vessel we choose. We tend to use more ice cubes here in North America than in other parts of the world. This dictates that we use glasses of some form (real glass or plastic) for any drinks requiring ice. Wine, beer, and pop can be purchased and chilled in cans, bottles or even boxes. It is totally a matter of personal taste what you drink it from. The first beer I ever drank was in a glass and that's how I always preferred it. Coke was from a can. There was something oh-so-cold about the aluminum can against my lips that brought back those childhood memories. Wine was always from a glass, albeit plastic when poolside or on most boats, but never straight out of the bottle.

In countries where beverages are served room temperature or slightly chilled, most are served in glasses. In England, beer is more often than not served in a glass; in Germany it can be served in a pottery stein; in the US, lots of beer is left right in the can or bottle. Restaurants tend to use proper glasses, but that doesn't make it more proper or better etiquette. Bars often serve beer by the pitcher in which case glasses are always provided, chilled if done right. Soft drinks are often purchased right out of a machine in a can or bottle and are consumed in same.

For aficionados of spirits there is a wide array of glassware to choose from. A pilsner has it's special tall glass. Red and white wines are served in different shaped stemmed goblets. Some industrious merchants have devised shapes specific to certain grape varietals. I personally chalk this up to clever marketing although wine snobs will argue otherwise.  There is now even a line of stemless wine glasses which is a ll the rage in some circles. Champagne of course has its own style of flute which helps keep the bubbles from dispersing too quickly. Spirits such as whiskey, rum, gin, etc. are usually served in short glasses, with or without ice depending on personal preference.

No matter what goblet you select for your wine, be sure to hold it by the stem and not by the bowl. There are a number of reasons for this, the most plausible being the heat released from your hand altering the ideal temperature at which the wine is consumed for maximum enjoyment. Beer is generally downed far more quickly and bottle, can, or glass all work equally well. It is a matter of personal choice. Although it is reported that the Brits have been known to drink "champers" right from the bottle, this is to be discouraged. This goes for wine and spirits as well. The bottle and can is best reserved for beer and pop, and then only in the most informal of settings. Let's face it, drinking beer out of a can at a formal wedding is just wrong. Don't ask for it to be served that way thinking you are doing the bar tender any favors.

One thing which is almost universal is the concept of recycling cans and bottles. Despite the criminally high numbers of cans and bottles which are tossed from car windows by thoughtless motorists, most of us make an effort to cart our cans and bottles to the recycle center where we may reclaim our deposits. Alternatively, here in Charlotte County, the Scouts rely on donations of used bottles and cans as a major income stream. They collect them as a community service and cash them in themselves.

Whatever beverage you choose, drink it responsibly. Water is totally safe; pop is loaded with sugar; alcohol impairs judgement. Bottle, can or glass? For the most part, the choice is yours.

If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.

--StageofLife.com

House Guest 101 

Dear Jay/StageofLife.com,

When someone comes to your home for the first time, is it appropriate to ask them "Would you like to see my house?"  Or should you wait for them to say "I'd love to see your house."  The former seems tacky.  Please advise

Thanks,

Lori

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Lori,

Thanks for asking this good question. Your house is your castle. It would not be appropriate for someone to ask you for a tour of your house. It would be very welcoming of you to offer. If you are having a large group of people over who have never seen your house, be prepared to let people self guide themselves. That means having everything neat and tidy. The choice is yours.

I hope this helps. Jay

If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.

--StageofLife.com

Self-invited house guests

Dear Jay/StageofLife.com,

Three times now, a couple I know only fairly well and like only moderately have invited themselves to stay with me for several days. I suspect that their main reason is that I live in a very pleasant seaside town. They give me a lot of advance notice of their visit, so it's difficult to claim that I have previous engagements so far in advance, and they now know that I have a spare room.

In truth, I don't like having people to stay and only ever invite those really dear to me - my sister, brother and other dear friends and relations who live far away.I live alone and work full-time as a translator from home, without any domestic help.

This couple expect me to be available to entertain them, accompany them on outings and feed them. The man is diabetic, with special dietary requirements, and grumbles a lot about the wet Cornish weather. They do offer to "help", but the main help I need is for them to get out of the kitchen when I'm trying to cook and, anyway, their "help" is useless because they don't know where anything is or how anything works. They leave me feeling completely exhausted mentally and physically.

When they leave they always "invite me back", but they live in a distant town I'm never likely to want to visit or pass through. How can I get myself out of this Wunwanted guest trap" I've allowed myself to fall into? Your advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Jenny

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for taking the time to ask this very good question. I am glad to see that you are taking responsibility for having "fallen into this trap". You just need to learn how to say 'no'. You are in fact being bullied by these folks, albeit unintentionally (I hope). This is a case of separating facts and feelings.

When you next speak with them simply explain the fact that you do not want any house guests at this time. You live alone for a reason and you need not feel obliged to share that reason with anyone. "I just do not want house guests" should suffice.

Think of it this way. When someone does something to you that you don't like, you say "Please don't do that." They should respect that. If they don't, they are being disrespectful and hurtful, which is unacceptable behavior.You may have to speak in a louder voice to make clear that your boundaries are not to be crossed.

Standing up for one's self is not easy, especially after you've been somewhat of an enabler in the situation. But this is what you need to do.

I hope this helps. Jay

If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.

--StageofLife.com

Recycling, Trash, and General Caring For Our Planet Etiquette

How is our etiquette concerning the planet on which we live?

I try to be mindful of taking care of our delicate planet on a daily basis. I am serious about recycling as is my partner.  All of the wine and beer bottles, cans, newspapers, cardboard, plastic bags and vegetable scrapings are all recycled.  We use to recycle over 2000 pounds of vegetable scrapings every year when operating the Windsor House. Our garden has good soil as a result, although a ton doesn’t really make as much difference as it sounds. However, every ton of waste not put into the landfill is to the good of the planet.

It amazes me how reckless people are today about the garbage they produce. Coffee cups are strewn along the highway. There are some people who I see regularly picking up discarded pop cans from the roadside as supplemental income, there are so many. The highways in the US and Canada capture so much litter that there are now laws in place to combat offenders. We should know better.

And to those of us who smoke, it is hard to believe how cavalier we have become of making the streets our own personal ashtray. Nothing could be more disrespectful to our visitors and fellow citizens. The town of St. Andrews actually employs someone to pick up cigarette butts as a summer job. How pathetic is that?  This reflects so badly on our beautiful town and on the self esteem of our residents who feel it is their right to use the streets as a trash bin. And the sad fact is that no one can point a finger at any one group. I have witnessed this behavior from young and old and all socio-economic classes. It is arrogance at its very worst.

Before I come across as too self righteous, I admit to contributing to this total disregard for the fragility of our planet. I waste water like there is no tomorrow. I don’t turn off lights as I might when not in use. I don’t follow through on certain excellent suggestions from the Department of Energy on ways to use less electricity and conserve natural resources. I drive too much, although I must admit to ‘using’ other gas guzzlers to pick up and drop off my mail.

So, what do we do?  What do I do?

Here we are living in one of the most ‘happening’ places on the planet as far as energy goes and we treat it with little respect. We take it for granted. We don’t want to see our streets littered with cigarette butts, yet we constantly flick them away. We’re not doing that consciously because we know someone needs employment to pick them up. We do it unconsciously. It’s like spitting or swearing or wearing clothes that don’t fit, or bullying or beating our children or spouses. It has become a way of life and it must stop. It soils our surroundings in such a negative way.

I can remember a time when there were no leash laws and there were no ‘pooper scooper’ laws. Walking down the streets of Paris or New York was a bit of a mine field. Suddenly people decided to end this horrible and lazy disrespectful behavior. Today, even in our small seaside tourist town, there are leash laws and special dispensers of plastic bags. For the most part, everyone with a dog is careful to follow these regulations. That is considered real progress. And fortunately no one is inconvenienced.

It’s time to take the next step.

We have made a major step forward by banning herbicides and pesticides in our small town. And a local company is testing organic fertilizer. The province provides home energy analyses for practically nothing, with incentives to improve energy efficiency. There are recycle centers which are constantly improving. There are many chances for us to all make a smaller footprint on the planet. What is keeping us from taking advantage of them?

In my opinion, these values must be taught at home and reinforced in the school system. Given the high cost of ‘deposit’ fees, this should be pretty easy when it comes to bottles and cans. Newspapers are trickier because you actually have to stack them up and take them to the recycle bin, and you get no cash in return. What a pity! Do it anyway. I find that every trip I take to the recycle bins gives me a sense of doing the right thing and it feels good. But maybe that’s just me. So many people feel the same way.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we all did?

How Do I Say "No" to a House Guest Request?

Dear Jay/StageofLife.com,

I recently received an email from one of my husband's high school friends. This friend is planning to be in our town for a week this summer and wants to stay with us. He contacted me (I think) because my husband has largely severed ties with his high school friends, to the point of not returning this friend's phone calls a few summers ago when he was in town.

We have a guest room, but the fact is that neither of us really enjoy having house guests. We are early to bed, early to rise type people who prefer staying home to going out, and this friend is unfortunately the opposite.

Finally, I work from home most days and would end up spending most of that time hosting this person while my husband is at work. Despite these personal caveats, both of us feel awkward saying no since we have a guest room and he has asked several months in advance. How can we politely (but firmly) say no?

Thanks,

Alexis

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Alexis,

This is a classic case of not wanting to hurt someone's feelings.

Far too often we take on the responsibility of another's feelings when ourselves are feeling uneasy. My advise is to stick with the facts and keep your feelings out of it. Simply explain that you would love to see the person while he is in town, but that you cannot offer a guest room. No further explanation should be necessary, but if pressed, tell a white lie. Perhaps you're planning some renovations or a parent is planning to visit at that time. You might suggest comfortable and affordable nearby lodging. It would be rude to be requested to furnish an explanation.

But, you don't want to embarrass or insult anyone, so any plausible excuse without referencing any inconvenience will do. If a clear message is what you want, these are two which won't draw a rebuttal.

I hope this helps, Jay

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If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.

--StageofLife.com

Event Invitation Question

Jay/StageofLife.com,

An event is being held in a private home. Who is listed first on the invitation, the homeowners or the host of the event (wine tasting)?

Thanks,

Marc

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Marc,

Thanks for asking this good question. The host is listed on the invitation. The homeowners are providing the venue. It would read something like this. Mr. John Doe cordially invites _________to a wine tasting on (date), at the home of (or residence of) ____________. RSVP_______________.

Invitations carry information, pure and simple. If the homeowners are also acting as hosts, then we have a different situation than the one which I address here. Feel free to clarify if necessary. Thanks, Jay

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If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.

--StageofLife.com

Travel Etiquette for the Holidays

Jay,

This will be my first holiday season in my own apartment with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. As excited as I am to decorate, bake and enjoy the holidays as an adult, I am a little concerned about how to handle some of the holiday activites.

We are going to see our entire family (his & mine) on Thanksgiving. Is it wrong of us to want to spend Christmas Day in our own home this year instead of hiking from house 1, house 2, etc.? My family has a bit of an old mentality, and expects us to be there since we are 1) not married yet and 2) are not hosting the holidays ourselves.

Should we suck it up and travel all day during Christmas, or enjoy a couple's Christmas in the place we worked so hard to obtain?

Thanks,

Laurel

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Laurel,

Thanks for asking this really good question. I have found myself in this position both as a single person with a significant other and as a married person.

My experience tells me that parents usually do want their children to make the trek, sometimes even if they are burdened with kids, but I can totally identify with your position of wanting to spend Christmas in your home with your beloved.

My advice is to be as compassionate to yourselves and to your families as possible. This means being accommodating when possible, yet protecting your private time as well and without feelings of guilt. I think family traditions become traditions because most of the time they work well. If you step and back and look at the big picture, you in fact may be the most flexible; in which case you would be appropriately expected to bend more. 

This in no way diminishes your desire to spend a quiet private Christmas in your own home. The symbolism which surrounds that is very strong and important. It is also resilient. My advice is to follow your instincts and "suck it up".  Be grateful that you have two families to visit on such an important holiday.

I hope this helps, Jay

Etiqutte for Dealing With Unannounced Visits by Neighbors

I have recently been approached by two different families concerning a real problem with neighbors.  In searching my library of etiquette books, I found no reference to this and so am addressing it here.  The matter at hand is unannounced visits by neighbors. 

In the ‘old days’ one did not call on anyone without phoning first to see if it would be convenient. Today, this consideration has seemingly flown out the window.

We visited close friends a couple of weeks ago. This was a planned visit and we were to stay for several days. Our hostess was not at home when we arrived and we went to let ourselves in only to find a padlock on the gate. I said, “I bet it’s because of the neighbors. I bet they were finally forced to take this step. As the old saying goes, ‘drastic times call for drastic measures’.”

We knew there was a history with the neighbors' children just showing up unannounced and uninvited to play or to be entertained; and not only the children, but the parents as well. It turns out that my hunch was correct. The behavior finally drove our friends to having to actually lock their back gate. The neighbor’s six-year-old son was also too clingy with our friends’ two-year-old son. It made our friends increasingly uncomfortable, yet they were at a loss of what to do to remedy the situation.

As awkward and uncomfortable as it may be, there really is no alternative than to confront the neighbors head on. This does not have to be combative or unfriendly, but I do feel that the facts need to be clearly laid out as well as the feelings that are generated as a direct result. Inappropriate physical contact needs to be delicately yet swiftly handled as well, as this may require some professional help. Sadly, these behaviors can go unnoticed by seemingly caring intelligent parents.

On this same topic, I received a question from a reader with a very similar problem...

Dear Jay,

I have some very nice neighbors, with some fairly 'pushy' children.  We have a privacy fence; however, on one side of us, our neighbor's 9 year old son will peek over or through the fence to ask my boys (who are only aged 2 & 4) to ask me to invite him over.  Recently, after I said no, he told them to ask me again.  His mother is very sweet and often offers to watch them for me and will talk in the front yard with my children if we happen to see each other in passing.  I want to keep a nice relationship, but I feel odd allowing her son to come over when he is so much older than my kids.  Several other children in the neighborhood (who are also much older and whom we barely know) have peeked in through our gate/fence to ask to come over and play as well.  (We have a swing set structure).  I keep saying no, but they keep asking, and I am starting to dread going in my own backyard when I know the neighborhood kids are out.  Am I wrong to keep saying no?  If not, how do I handle this so they don't keep asking?

Sorry for the long explanation and question!  

Thanks for your help,

Tricia

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Tricia,

Thanks for asking this sensitive question. This is an all too common problem.

As I see it, you have two choices.

1)  You need to speak with their mothers and let them know that this behavior is bothering you and is in fact worrisome. The kids are acting inappropriately and should be corrected. If you're in a mood to want them over for a play session, let them know you'll invite them. Aside from not having control of your own back yard right now, you also have some liability issues should anyone get hurt.

2) Another alternative is to speak with the kids themselves and let them know that when you have time to watch them you'll invite them over. So, no, you are not wrong for saying no, but following the 'no' with a short explanation may make it sink in better.

I hope this helps,

Jay

Expanded Thoughts on Unwanted Neighbors...

Looking back on that answer, I would like to add that there is a privacy issue here too. People need to respect one another’s privacy. When I grew up this was instilled in me as a very young boy. Although we enjoyed visiting friends and family, we would never do so without phoning first. It is inconsiderate. It shows utter disregard for another person’s time. When we ran the Inn, my time was not my own. I treasured my private time. I learned how important it is to me. I still feel that way and I think deep down inside, we all do.

Etiquette of Building Fences

There are bylaws very clearly dealing with the subject of fences, at least within most municipalities. These bylaws are based on simple principles of respect and civility. It is an opportunity for neighbors to make joint decisions and even share costs if the fence is going to be built right on the property line. This seems only fair.

Restoring my home, the Windsor House, was not different.  I remember when we wanted to replace the decrepit fence behind our home, we had a very nice chat with our neighbor and came to an amicable arrangement, which we are both still happy with today, ten years later.  Now, if your neighbor isn’t interested in having a fence on the property line, then a small setback is all that is necessary.

But what if you want a fence built by your neighbors to hide something unsightly?  If the neighbors were even remotely sensitive, such a barricade would go a long way in showing consideration and respect for their neighbors. Inside many town limits there are bylaws dealing with such matters, but not in outlying areas. It is up to the good will of people. Being disrespectful to one’s neighbors can lead to difficulties.

I remember growing up in a neighborhood in Delaware, there were very few fences, unless a swimming pool was in the back yard. People would even take turns cutting the grass ‘on the line’ week after week. This taught me to be cooperative and neighborly. Now there are times when fences are really necessary for privacy. Many Bed and Breakfasts and Historic Inns really need such privacy fences. Such fencing is also convenient if you have dogs, and these fences can be lifesavers.
 
I have noticed several different styles of fences which have been used in and around my home. Some are ‘page wire’ and post fences generally used out of town for containing livestock. There are the beautiful mainly ornamental log fences zigzagging their way along the side of a yard. There are the traditional white painted picket fences which you can see through, often times to beautiful perennial flower beds. And sometimes you see large solid wood fences protecting people from construction sites.
 
In most of these cases, people are using them as accents to their already beautiful yards. Some people like defined yards, some people like ‘shared’ back yards, giving the look of a more expansive lawn. Lots of people use trees and shrubs in an architectural way, such as the myriad of sturdy cedar or spruce hedges.
 
I like it when people who live out of town have tree lines separating various fields. These usually grow up along lines where large stones or rocks have been heaped after harrowing a field for a crop of hay or berries. They provide a veritable pallet of color throughout the year, especially in spring and fall.

No matter what kind of fence you decide to build (or decline to build) usually has a direct correlation to the kind of architecture reflected in your house. Such structures are what brands a town and attracts people to come and enjoy it whether as summer residents or tourists and as full time residents.

Living in a community really requires neighborly conduct. It requires showing respect for your neighbors and for your community as a whole, which as a result shows how much respect you really have for yourself.

Guest Etiquette at a House Party

Jay,

Is it okay to bring my own sporks (that clever invention which combines a fork and spoon in one utensil) to a home party for my family to eat with because my hostess uses disposable plastic cutlery which goes against my environmental sustainability values.

--Helen

Jay's ANSWER...

This seemed like a simple enough question to me to which I first thought to answer - "No!," with a short explanation about keeping one's values to one's self when visiting someone else's house.  However, I talked to a few others and found a wide variety of views on this topic.

For example...

• One person exclaimed that if she were having a party, she'd be thrilled if people brought there own forks and knives because then she would have fewer to wash up.

• Another argued that this was an opportunity to provide a teachable moment to her ecologically irresponsible friends.

Luckily, most people I talked to backed me up and shared the viewpoint that perhaps it is not appropriate to decide when teachable moments would suit your friends. As I began to uncoil from the surprise of these alternative points of view, I thought how useful such a simple question could illustrate a number of important points of etiquette which pop up from time to time in different situations. By understanding how these manners and habits can change in a simple situation such as with "sporks," this dynamic will spread to other more complex situations with greater ease.

First of all, if you are hosting an event, no matter how formal or informal, your job is to make your guests feel comfortable and welcome. When a meal is central to the get together, it is the responsibility of the host to make sure there is enough of everything including food and cutlery. In some cases, you will assign certain tasks to certain guests such as for a pot luck affair. Otherwise, guests should resist bringing anything more than a small gift. The host is giving the party after all, not the guest.

Secondly, a party to which one is an invited guest is not a time to become the center of attention by thrusting your views - political, religious, or otherwise - on others, unless that is the express purpose of the event. This trap is one into which some people fall often quite unintentionally. Usually this is the result of not thinking how your strong opinions might be received. This act of 'unthinking' is actually very disrespectful. Therefore, if you want to share your views on recycling, either do it in a public forum or at your own house, but not at someone else's house.

The guidelines of etiquette are flexible to be sure. However, making someone else, especially the hostess, feel inadequate, uninformed, or in any way uncomfortable, either intentionally or unintentionally, is never a good idea. Likewise, the concept of thinking that it's perfectly fine for your guests to feel free to bring whatever they want and behave however they want is not cool. It enables disrespectful behavior by endorsing their assumption that the host/hostess is inadequate in his or her ability to throw a nice party unassisted.

We need not look too far to see how respect has taken a back seat to a carefree  attitude. Though carefree ought not to become careless and become hurtful in some way. The way to avoid an unwanted hurtful result is to think through what one is about to say and do. As a guest it is our place to enjoy the visit with the host/hostess who has included us in a gathering. And our job to behave respectfully. We must be mindful of others and what we practice as positive examples. After all, our behavior is a clear reflection of who we are and if our children learn their behavior from us let them learn good manners. Being aware of how our words and actions affect others is a behavior well worth passing along.

RSVP Etiquette

I have noticed that the RSVP on invitations in certain instances is ignored. Most invitations ask that the recipient RSVP. This is a simple but very important request. The translation of RSVP, the French expression ‘Respondez s'il vous plais’, is simply ‘please respond’ or ‘please reply’.  The RSVP is the means for the host to gather essential information to complete the party or function arrangements. The RSVP clearly indicates how many people will or will not attend the event. It lets the host/hostess proceed with ordering food and beverages, creating a seating plan, hiring the correct number of wait staff and other obvious considerations in planning a successful occasion.

I have noticed that most people do in fact reply to private party invitations. Once you decide to accept an invitation, it really is important to show up, especially if a sit down meal is being prepared and served. Last minutes cancellations with a very legitimate excuse are acceptable. But ‘no-shows’ are inappropriate and extremely rude. Likewise, last minute replies are thoroughly disrespectful. If you are so late in replying that the host/hostess phones you to see if you are planning to attend a function, you ought to realize your gaff immediately, and apologize for your faux pas and any inconvenience which may have resulted. Apply the adage of walking in someone else's shoes and imagine yourself in the position of hosting a party without a clue to the number of people who will be attending.

For public or institutional affairs it is equally important to reply to invitations. These events require a lot of planning and a head count is crucial. Many times, people think RSVP means ‘regrets only’. It does not. If I am invited to an opening at a museum and there is an RSVP, I call immediately to let them know one way or the other. And, I might add, that no one is exempt from replying. Many times public figures are invited to special events as a sign of respect and courtesy. They must reply to such invitations for exactly the same reasons everyone else must.

At these large public gatherings, if you have not replied to the invitation, do not just show up thinking your host will be thrilled to see you. I have been to many such events where there is a list of who has replied. If you’re not on that list, you may well not be admitted. You are less likely to be turned away at the door for a non-profit group. Because these organizations cannot afford to offend anyone, protocol is broken or stretched. But keep in mind that you are still a guest and ought to return the courtesy of the invitation and hospitality that has been extended to you. Be prepared for a solicitation for a donation or request for volunteer help with various projects. These are some of the ways non-profits remain in existence doing good for the community.

There are various schedules one follows when mailing invitations depending on the kind of event or party. However, one should reply within 48 hours of receiving any invitation if possible. Unless otherwise stated on the invitation, replies should be in writing. In today’s fast paced society, most invitations have telephone numbers or emails for quick reply. Some contain a reply card to indicate the number of people attending and perhaps a card for choosing an entrée. Whatever the method of reply, do it promptly. Always put yourself in the position of the host or hostess.

Invitations are very clearly addressed. If the invitation is addressed to Mr. John Doe and Guest, then he is invited to bring along a guest – any guest of his choice. I heard recently of a wedding invitation where a gentleman was invited to bring a guest. The bride found out who the guest was and announced that the guest in question wouldn't be welcome. The bride did not want to be upstaged by the extraordinary beauty of the lady who was to accompany the invited guest.  Once you have sent an invitation there is no taking it back-that just does not happen in polite society. Once a person RSVPs, the host/hostess accepts whatever decision the guest has made without further stipulation or regulation.  How ludicrous! What a peculiar and cruel way for a bride to behave. That was a first for me.

If the invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family, that refers to immediate family, i.e. children. If the invitation does not state “and family”, do not ask if you may bring the children or others. Your asking this of a host/hostess puts him/her in an awkward position and makes you look foolish. However, in the case of an informal party, such as a pool party, as it’s a family kind of affair, it is acceptable to call and explain that you have house guests and ask if they might be included. More often than not extra guests are welcome.

RSVPs are one of the most essential parts of an invitation. Please respect them and respond as quickly as possible. This is one way that you as the guest can contribute to the success of the party and help ensure less stress for the host or hostess. This small gesture is always a winner.

How to Answer the Phone

Dear Jay,

I have two questions. Firstly: how should one answer the telephone at one's home, and how should employees be instructed to answer a business phone? Secondly, shouldn't one announce who is making the phone call? I find it disconcerting when I have no idea to whom I'm speaking.

Yours truly,
V.R.

Jay's ANSWER

Dear V.R.,

Answering the telephone at home and at work does have different protocols and manners associated with them.

At home, one should answer the telephone with an enthusiastic ‘hello’. The tone of one’s voice says a lot about your frame of mind. Even if you’re not in a good mood, and you decide to answer the phone, inject warmth into your voice. It makes others feel good. If you can’t manage to do this, which some people just can’t, then let the answering machine take the call.

If the call is for someone else, refrain from shouting out the person’s name if they are in another room or on another floor. It’s rude and upsetting to others who can hear you. For that matter, if you need to speak with someone who is visually out of sight and likely out of earshot of a normal voice, get up and go to that person. If someone does that to me, I don’t answer. Call me old fashioned, but it was not tolerated in my household when I was growing up.

Teach children how to have good telephone manners as well. You must understand these good manners yourself. It’s kind of like men wearing hats (or baseball caps or toques) indoors. How are children supposed to learn that that’s just wrong if you don’t teach them by example?  Answering telephones can be a serious matter. Wearing a hat inside the house is just disrespectful and bad manners. Strangers can call and unsuspecting children can give out way too much information. I remember calling a friend’s house once, looking for either him or his wife. The house sitter answered the phone and told me that they would be away for a week. I had not identified myself, and had I been a thief, with the information she gave me, I would have been able to stage a robbery. Moreover, if small children are at home, a kidnapping could have taken place. I know this may sound alarmist to some folks, but this stuff happens and it is extremely important to teach your children at an early age exactly what to say.

Apologize if you dial a wrong number; don’t eat or drink while speaking on the phone as those unattractive sounds are magnified; and turn down the radio or TV when answering a call for the same reason. Keep a note pad and pencil by each phone and write down messages which will be clear and have all of the pertinent information. Make every effort to return any calls within 24 hours. And if you do not want to answer the telephone, for whatever reason, don't!

At the office, the protocol is somewhat different. Still, a cheery voice gives a good impression of your company. You never know when the call coming in is from a first time caller. It helps to actually smile when you answer the phone. Unless you have your own home business, an enthusiastic ‘hello’ is not sufficient. It is much better to answer with “Windsor House, Jay speaking”, or “Good afternoon, the Windsor House”. Recorded greetings which direct you somewhere else are totally annoying. We all really want to get a live person on the wire. Telephone companies, banks and credit card companies are notorious for this.

If you are an executive assistant, be sure to always use an honorific (Mr., Dr. or Ms.) before the person’s name. For example, say, “Dr. Smith’s office, Ms. Jones speaking.” This gives the proper dignity due the person being phoned. When calling, and you get the secretary of the person you are looking for, feel free to leave a complicated massage if the secretary is capable. Some corporations have highly skilled executive secretaries that can make heaven and earth move. Establishing working relationships with these individuals on the phone can be incredibly helpful in conducting future business.

In answer to your second question, yes it is necessary to identify yourself when you place a call. It is frustrating to be carrying on a conversation with someone only to later realize you have the wrong person on the other end of the phone. Being mindful of another’s time is also a courtesy to extend. Ask if this is a good time to speak with the other person.

In any event, be sure to be civil on the phone. Never raise your voice or lose your temper. This is a sure fire way to lose a client or a contact. I find a pleasant phone call can make my day. One that goes on and on can have the opposite effect. Showing respect for one another is the name of the game.