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|  | Family Matters
How can I get through to my sisters?
Dear Jay,
Lately, I've been in a tricky situation with my family and my husband. My family is trying to make plans to celebrate my dad's birthday in my house without even consulting me. I live in a two bedroom apartment with my husband and our six year old son. My husband thinks that they should have talk to me about it and respect the fact that I have a family. I don't want to turn my back on my family, but I also understand my husband's point of view. I told them how I feel, and now they are mad at me and talking to me like I am still their little sister. I am a grown-up woman and want people to respect the fact that I have a family. I feel very sad to be in the center of this drama. I love my husband and he doesn't have any problem that my parents come to visit for a month but not more, and my sisters think that they are my parents and I should have them as long as they want.
--Jessica
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Jessica,
I see a rather simple solution for this dilemma. You and your husband sit down together with your sisters and let them know how you feel and how being ignored makes you feel. Explain that your house is your castle and that you will be part of any decision making going forward. Your husband must stand by you on this. You must stop this cycle of bullying your sisters are engaged in! I hope this helps,
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Just Droppin' By...Again
Can we tell our guests to get a hotel?
Dear Jay,
My husband and I live in a tourist destination, and family members and friends frequently ask to visit us (we usually have visitors at least two weekends per month). Our siblings (we have five of them) are extremely needy and are usually not the greatest house guests. They each come multiple times throughout the year, stay in our guest room, don't rent a car (we only have one), and always want to go out to eat. Not only do these visits require our time (entertaining and cleaning before and after their arrival), but they also affect our wallets. Frequently, these visits extend into the work week as well. We don't want to hurt their feelings, but we would much rather they get a hotel and their own car so our normal routines are not constantly uprooted. What is the best way to handle the situation when we get a call saying "We're coming to visit you in July!"?
--Sauna
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Sauna,
Please forgive the tardiness of this response. You are stuck in somewhat of a habit here—a rut, if you will. This will more than likely continue and even worsen until such time as you lay down the law—explain your house rules! One's house is one's castle, and as master of one's own castle, one is well within one's right to be crystal clear about house rules so that no one embarrasses the others through no fault of their own.
It's best to handle delivering this information face-to-face and as a couple if appropriate. If spoken over the phone or written in a letter, do not be defensive or feel the need to give an explanation for the rules.
There appears to be a combined lack of gratitude and a resultant feeling of entitlement; as well there is no respect for your boundaries—either time or space! This information can and should be delivered calmly and clearly. You cannot control their feelings - if their feelings are hurt, they need to take responsibility and grow up - age having nothing to do with it.
Learning to say no in a friendly way is possible. Speak from your heart and trust your inner voice. I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Just Droppin' By
Is it rude to drop by unannounced?
Dear Jay,
Is it rude for someone to just drop by unannounced if you've only met them once or twice, and they are not a close relative?
--Ms. Johnson
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Ms. Johnson,
Frankly, I think it's rude for anyone, close relative or the traveling salesman, to drop by unannounced. I wouldn't have daren't do so with my own mother!
I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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| Uninvited Guests
How can I exclude certain family members from an invitation?
Dear Jay,
I am having a Celebration of Life for my late husband. This function is being held in my home. My home isn't that large and would accommodate about 20 guests. Some life long friends will be invited and his three remaining siblings and their spouses. How do I deal with uninvited nieces and nephews that haven't been in our lives for 10-15 years? I don't know if this will happen, but I would like to be prepared if it does.
The invitation will will not include the family members, and the family members are all adults.
--Mavis
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Mavis,
The best advice I can give you is to welcome anyone who comes to this wonderful occasion. Perhaps there is outdoor space you could use for the overflow? One can never control uninvited guests and in general taking the high road is always the line of best defense.
Don't stress about this; just focus on the purpose of the Celebration. Hopefully people will understand that invitations apply only to those invited. If they call and ask, explain about the space limitations and that you would appreciate their cooperation.
I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Please, No Foul Language.
Can we tell our adult daughter not to use foul language?
Dear Jay,
We were visiting at our adult married daughter's home, and, while there, she was using foul and language that is offensive to us. Is it wrong to request that she not do this in our presence at her home?
--James
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear James,
Sadly your daughter learned this behavior somewhere along the line and was allowed to get away with it. Now you are suffering the consequences. However, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you are well within your rights to politely explain to her just how it makes you feel and that you hope she doesn't make other guests feel the same way. If she doesn't get the hint, simply leave. There is no point to getting into a heated argument - no one will win. Let's hope she doesn't raise her children that way.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Who Gets the King Bed?
Should a married couple get the king bed on vacation?
Dear Jay,
My son and I are going to Fiji for a holiday. I am a single parent and we have a two bedroom apartment booked and paid for. The apartment has a king bed in one room and two single beds in the other.
Today, my sister told me she and her husband are going to come with us. Do I have to give them the king bed, even though I have paid for the accommodation? My son and I can share the king bed and still be more comfortable than in a single bed each.
--Nicole
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Nicole,
Thanks for asking this excellent question! Technically, no - if you are paying the bill, the choice is yours. However, logic would dictate that a married couple would be offered the king bed. They may well prefer to have the twin accommodation or better yet, they may ask which you prefer. In any event, the hotel may be able to make a change for you, such as joining the two twin beds together for you and your son, thus creating exactly the same sleeping space as a king.
Try to always take the high road when dealing with such situations. Since your sister and her husband are your guests - presumably you had some choice in this matter - then putting them first is the correct thing for a host to do, but not to the detriment of your own needs. I hope this is more of a help than a hindrance.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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| Help Yourself to the Wine?
Can house guests help themselves to the wine without asking?
Dear Jay,
I had a close friend come stay at my house with her family, and her husband opened a bottle of red wine after my husband and I went to bed and drank more than half.
My girlfriend and I had already shared one of the bottles that evening. When I mentioned it the next day, she got defensive.
Isn't it super poor etiquette to open someone else's wine without them offering? We have stayed at their house many times and they have been very generous, but we have never helped ourselves to any wine or anything else with out asking or having prior knowledge that is was alright.
Should we be less sensitive about this?
--Sarah
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Sarah,
You are absolutely correct. Perhaps she thought the wine was 'fair game', but she was overstepping her bounds as a good house guest. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about it at this point. I imagine that given her defensive reaction, this scenario will unlikely be repeated. She got the message.
It's time to take the high road and move on. After all, it was just a bottle of wine. Respecting boundaries is difficult for some people, clearly. Know that you are in the right.
I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Disrespectful Visitors
What is the polite way to tell adult married children they are rude and disrespectful?
Dear Jay,
We have an adult daughter and her husband who request overnight visits with either parents or a grandfather. Yet the there is no social visit. These children merely want a free bed and no interaction. They make separate plans or stay locked up in a guest room all hours.
And do not thank their hosts. Ever.
What is the polite way to tell adult married children they are rude and disrespectful to their parents and grandparents?
--Edgar
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Edgar,
Good manners are learned at home. Somewhere along the line some of these seem to have slipped through the cracks. My advice at this stage of the game is to have a chat with your daughter and explain your feelings. Lay down a few rules of respect, as you thought they had been already understood.
You are fully within your rights to have house rules. Lack of gratitude is another basic principle gone missing. It's never too late to teach these important life skills either to your children or to theirs as they come along.
I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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| Live-In Grandma Has Question
I'm a live-in grandmother with a question...
Dear Stage of Life,
I have been living with my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter for 2 years and we just moved to a new house. I have a bedroom in the lower level of the house and the two upper levels are their bedrooms and the family area (living, dining, kitchen).
Frequently after dinner I will go downstairs to watch TV and give them family time. Recently, I have heard them visiting with the new neighbors who have come by to visit. I have refrained from going upstairs (even to get something to snack on or drink) because I'm not sure if it would be considered intruding.
Should I stay out of the out or continue my normal routine when the family has house guests?
--Karen
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Karen,
If you have been living with your family for two years, the house is considered your home too, even if you don't contribute financially, which I imagine you do in some fashion. If you feel uneasy, simply broach the subject with your daughter. This lack of communication is not healthy, so nip it in the bud.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Guest Visiting Etiquette
How do we handle a guest who over extends his visit?
Dear Stage of Life,
My husband's uncle frequently comes to town to stay with us or my husband's mom (who is his uncle's sister). We are all to the point where we dread his visits. My father-in-law even volunteered to work during his vacation just to get away from him for a while. He's decent about communicating when he's planning to arrive. But he never gives us an exact end date, and he always has an excuse as to why he has to stay longer.
He lives several states away and he drives quite a distance to get here, which also means he's not locked into departure date because he drives vs flies here. If he comes for the holidays, he stays well after the holidays are over, even though we all have to go back to work and are trying to get back to our daily routines.
We drop numerous hints and ask several times when he plans to leave and we never get a straight answer or an exact end time. We love him very much and don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel unwelcome but we are to the point of misery.
Please help!
--Toni
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Toni,
How annoying it is when guests become intruders! You must stand your ground. Your house is your castle and you set the rules, including when you will be receiving guests. Obviously you have allowed this disrespectful behavior to go for many years and therefore as a result, you have actually endorsed it.
You can reverse this process, however, and just explain a few simple ground rules. Do this before your guests arrive, therefore no surprises. You could issue an apology for not having been clearer in the past, but due to changing schedules and personal obligations, these are the new rules.
This will take a little getting used to, especially on your part. Stand united with your husband on this new plan of action. It will easier than you think.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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| Greeting Protocol
Who speaks a greeting first - the host or the guest?
Dear Stage of Life,
My husband gets annoyed when my teenage daughters' guests come into the house without saying hello. He thinks it is their responsibility to speak first. I think just the opposite. If they are coming into our house they are the guests and we are responsible for speaking first.
Which is it, can you clear this up?
--Debra
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Debra,
You are correct. Regardless of the age of the guest, the host should be the first to speak by actually welcoming the guest into his house. The host should also be the first to rise and extend his hand.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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| Who Gets the Guest Bed?
What is the proper etiquette for deciding which family member gets to stay in our spare room (when multiple members from both sides are visiting at the same time)?
Dear Stage of Life,
My husband and I are having a first birthday party for our son and our entire family must travel for this event. We have decided to rotate which family members stay at our house in our one spare room. My mother said that this decision is incorrect and rude, that she should stay here each time since she is the "mother of the bride" and "helps more".
What is the proper etiquette for which family members stay?
--Stephanie
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Rachel,
Thanks for asking this great question. My advice is to offer the room first (always) to the senior member of the invited group. If it is your mother, then she should have first dibs on the room. If there is someone else of equal or greater seniority, they should be asked on a rotating basis, as you suggest, or in the event of greater seniority, always asked first.
Your mother is right on this one; however, it is your house, you are an adult, and the final decision rests with you. At some point it might be necessary to establish that in your house, your rules apply.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Guest Bedroom Issues with the Grandparents
Do my husband's parents have the right to claim our bedroom bed when visiting instead of staying in the guest bed?
Dear Stage of Life,
My husband and I purchased our first home together - a townhouse. Currently we have a toddler and infant and the townhouse has three bedrooms. The toddler currently has his own room and the infant currently sleep in our bedroom. That leaves one of the other bedrooms free.
My husband and I would like to provide a bed in the room for visiting guests. The room cannot fit a bed larger than a full size mattress, but it can accommodate a trundle bed (if the trundle is only pulled out for the night, we can arrange furniture). We found a very nice daybed with a trundle in our budget. Our only concern is my husband's dad and step mom will not sleep on the trundle and requests our bedroom and bed, which is a king size. I co-sleep with my infant and require a larger bed to do so safely. Eventually that room will be set up for my infant to move into, so we can fit a crib and a twin sized bed (daybed) in it.
We are debating what to do. I thought there was no obligation of the host family to give up their bed to visiting family? Is our best bed to go with a trundle bed to sleep two? Or go with a full size bed? How far out of our way should we accommodate family?
--Rachel
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Rachel,
Your house is your home and castle. It deserves the respect that honor accords including yours and your guests'.
Your in-laws are overstepping their bounds and obviously have been for some time. You allowed this and it is now a pattern. Now, suddenly you basically have no guest rooms and you're feeling guilty. As this picture comes into focus you and your husband will need to decide how to handle this new reality. Once you agree, sit down with his parents or pick up the phone and let them know how excited you are about being able to redecorate the kids' new rooms. You can remark about how quickly they grow up. That will plant the obvious seed which will sprout the next time a visit is imminent. It will be easier than you think.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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| Doormat Friend
How do I tell my friend I'm not going to help pay for their birthday party?
Dear Stage of Life,
I've got what feels to be a big embarrassing mess on my hands. My out of town friend makes a big deal of her birthday every year. She lives in another city and is very "social". For the past several years she has decided to celebrate her birthday to coincide with a social event in the city where I live, organizing dinners & activities where others end up paying the bill (this often happens in many places - she "organizes" and in turn expects to be comped).
This year she has managed to get two other women that I don't know very well involved - one of them is the "host" on the evite and the other owns the penthouse where the party will be held.
My friend suggested I contact these ladies to "help" (I'm the volunteering type aka fool), and she sent me their numbers. I phoned the host and she indicated that she wasn't doing much other than recommending a caterer and perhaps I should call the owner of the venue who would be doing most of the work. I was later copied by my friend on an email to the host indicating what beverages she thought were needed (case of red, case of white, case of "good" champagne, etc.) and that I could be of help because I have many contacts. Now, mind you, the co-hosts are extremely well connected affluent women who entertain a great deal in high profile businesses.
My husband and I are unemployed and live our lives as simply as possible and my husband is fed up with my friend's habitual impositions. I suddenly began to feel set up and quickly emailed my "friend" that my husband and I would bring a case of white wine (after a horrible disagreement with my husband over this). But several hours later the owner of the venue left me a message to phone her. I'm afraid that she ( and maybe the other woman, too ) is under the impression that I will "help" by sharing other expenses for my "friend's" birthday which I'm certain will run thousands of dollars.
Unfortunately the answer to my question is obvious - I should confront my friend about this - the question is "how"?
This is extremely embarrassing for all (except for her, and I assure you she is not going to change nor will she accept any responsibility or criticism without a fight ). Any suggestions on what to say and to whom??? Thank you for your consideration!
--Olga
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Olga,
The time has come for clear communication.
I can see a pattern developing here, and you are the only one to change it. The tipping point came when you and your husband had a 'horrible disagreement'. Your 'out-of-town friend' needs to be set straight, lest you face this 'mess' again. Volunteering to help with a party does not mean underwriting it, or as you so eloquently described the role as being a 'fool'.
My advice at this stage of the game is to email each of the women involved separately, explaining that through no fault of theirs, there has perhaps been a misunderstanding, and that you want to be clear what you are able to assist with. No need to explain what you won't assist with or why! People are known to go blithely through life unaware of their surroundings. Your socialite friend seems to fit into that category rather nicely. Don't allow yourself to be swept up in this bullying dynamic. Stand by your husband here and stop being a doormat.
Taking back your power can be as challenging as it is invigorating, and it sounds as though you have no other choice. If she puts up a fight or acts uncivilly, perhaps it's time to edit her from your list of circle of friends.
Remember though to always take the high road and resist fighting fire with fire.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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 | Visiting Out of Town Friends
Am I responsible for a guest's pets if my guests are staying overnight?
Dear Stage of Life,
Is it rude to make dinner plans of your own when you are visiting friends who live out of town, but you are staying in your own rented property (not a house guest) while in town?
We would include them in an invitation, and would love for them to join us, but since we've never visited their town (beach resort), we would like to take advantage of what the area has to offer.
--Teresalma
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Teresalma,
No, it is not at all rude. There should be no reason to take all of your meals with your friends. I would imagine your friends feel the same way. You may want to discuss this with them once you arrive. If you are staying a week, plan on dinner with them 4 nights - the other 3 are your "date" nights.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards,
Jay
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| Wine Etiquette
What is the etiquette regarding serving drinks?
Dear Stage of Life,
When someone comes over to your home for dinner, and say, they bring: a champagne bottle, a bottle of red and a bottle of liqueur.
What is the etiquette regarding drinks (alcohol)?
Thank you!
Em
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Em,
How clever of you to invite such generous guests!
If the bottles were intended as a hostess present, you would be under no obligation to serve them that evening. If, however they were brought as an offering to share for the evening and you did not already have a firm wine service in mind, then confer with the guest and ask if he or she has a preference of when they were served.
The champagne could go first as a before dinner drink, or it could saved and served with dessert. In either case, the red wine should be served with the dinner.
Liqueurs are traditionally poured after dinner, with coffee in many cases.
You may want to suggest opening and decanting the red wine for it to have a chance to breathe before dinner. Or you want to suggest storing the champagne in the fridge until dessert. Everyone will be so thrilled to be the recipients of such largesse, whichever order is selected, it will be perfect!
I hope this has been of some help.
Kind regards,
Jay
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| Dog Visitors When Family Comes to Stay
Am I responsible for a guest's pets if my guests are staying overnight?
Dear Stage of Life,
My husband and I are in the process of purchasing and moving into our first house! I recently reached out to my cousin to see if he wanted to "spend some time together" since we will be living only an hour and a half away from him. He interpreted this as coming over to our new house and spending the night.
This is fine with me, except he also followed up saying that it's going to be easier for him to stay overnight if he brings his two dogs with him.
My husband and I do not have pets, and honestly I am uncomfortable with the thought of two unfamiliar dogs in our brand new home and new furniture. I'm concerned about pet hair left all over the house, the animals jumping on or tearing furniture, and any other "surprises" they may leave for us.
Am I responsible for a guest's pets if my guests are staying overnight?
--Rachel
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Rachel,
You must have had a temporary lapse of your senses. Why did you not clear this up at the time? That said, it is not too late to pick up the phone and explain that you and your husband feel uncomfortable with him bringing his two dogs into your brand new house. This is not an unreasonable feeling to have, by the way! If he brings the dogs, perhaps they have traveling sleeping crates he can house them in; barring that perhaps they can sleep in his car; or even better - leave them at home with a dog/house sitter.
Your house is your castle. Your house rules must be respected by everyone - including you!
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
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| Lots of Leftovers
Is it rude to cancel your anticipated visit 2-3 hours before the family dinner...repeatedly?
Dear Stage of Life,
Our family has a weekly extended family dinner where the grandparents, parents, grandchildren and now great-grandchildren attend with full family and often a friend or two.
People have many things to do, church events, dinner with the other side of the family, etc., so there is no expectation that everyone will make it every week. All we have ever asked is that you contact the hostess by the day before if you have some other event to attend and give a call if you are bringing a friend so the amount of food matches the number of people.
The problem is one family of six in the grandchild generation continues to cancel 2-3 hours before we are suppose to sit down to the meal - well after meat and frozen vegetables are thawed and preparation has started for many dishes.
On a practical level, this creates a lot of left overs that are often thrown away and sometimes even makes the meal prep harder than it needed to be that particular week. On a personal level, I feel this is very rude, inconsiderate, and generally disrespectful behavior to have this repeatedly occur.
What are your thoughts?
--Lots of Leftovers...again
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Lots of Leftovers,
Sunday family dinners are a wonderful tradition. As families grow, these gatherings can become unmanageable, and I take my hat off to you for maintaining this healthy family custom! The host absolutely should be informed of anyone not attending. Not providing such basic courtesy is rude and unacceptable.
I do not encourage editing the guest list of these culprits, but a senior member of the family needs to have a clear and private chat with the offender(s), explaining why this disrespect cannot continue.
Frankly, this behaviour was either learned or at the very least enabled within the family, so let the responsibility fall where it may. Perhaps it's time for the offenders to host a few of these dinners. Trial by fire sometimes works like a charm!
I hope this helps. Kindest regards,
Jay
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| In-Law Etiquette
What is the protocol when entertaining your out-of-town in-laws for the first time?
Dear Stage of Life,
I would like to know what are the etiquette rules when inviting your in-laws for the first time to your home?
If they are not from the same city where I live, and it was agreed that I will receive them at my home first, then can you answer these questions..
- Should I take them out to dinner in a restaurant?
- Or...should I serve them at home...and if so...what should I serve them when they first arrive?
- What kind of beverages should I serve? Does it differ according to the weather (winter or summer)?
- And when it comes to the restaurant, should I ask them what is their favorite restaurant or pick a local favorite and surprise them with my choice?
Thank you very much for your consideration.
Sincerely,
-R
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear R,
How excited you must be to welcome your in-laws to your home. Remember first and foremost that it is your home. Be welcoming. If they drink Champagne, that would be a nice drink to offer them, but be prepared for them to perhaps like a cup of tea.
Winter or summer makes no difference; perhaps in the hot summer iced tea or lemonade might be nice, but people rarely turn down a celebratory class of champagne.
You should choose the restaurant yourself and plan to pay the bill. Pick a restaurant you think they would enjoy and that you can afford. You are the host. Do so with conviction and grace.
Kind regards,
Jay
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| To call or not call?
Should you walk into a friend's or family member's home without first announcing your visit?
Dear StageofLife.com,
I was brought up to always call family or friends if I wished to visit, to see if it would be convenient for them. I have, in fact, taught this practice to my own children.
However, I seem to be in the minority here and my friends think I am super strange. Many times I have been at the home of a friend or neighbor (either having coffee or watching a movie), only to have their family or friends just walk into the house unannounced. Often I find this extremely uncomfortable and cannot wait to leave. I find it super rude. My friends do not.
The mother of my son-in-law walks into their house any time as well. My daughter hates it. Locking the door doesn't work with her either, because she has a key, and uses it. The key was given to her to use in case of emergency.
To me, my home is my haven, where I can kick back and relax with no worries about anyone walking in. Am I wrong??
--Jan
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Jan,
You and I were brought up identically. You are absolutely 100% correct, no question about it. Now...how each of us chooses to run our households is personal obviously, but I can assure you that if someone were to arrive at my doorstep unannounced, they would likely not do it a second time. It is the height of rudeness.
Stick by your guns!
Kind regards,
Jay
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| Rude younger sister or inconsiderate older brother?
Protocol for entering a room - it's your responsibility to announce your arrival...
Dear StageofLife.com,
Almost two years ago my husband and I were visiting with his younger brother and his wife at their home. We had been visiting almost a half-hour when their younger sister comes in, walks right past my husband (oldest brother) and begins speaking with her other brother and his wife about some computer/internet problems she is having.
We sat there another 10 minutes and she still did not acknowledge her oldest brother. We finally said our goodbyes and left.
When we went to visit again, we now found out we have become the outcasts for not speaking to her. This scenario has continued and we didn't even say anything to the rest of the family about her lack of consideration for her older brother. It is not our aim to make her look bad, we just felt it was totally bad manners to treat her brother that way.
My question is were we lacking in manners or was it his sister lack of manners?
-The Outcasts
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Outcast,
Technically speaking, the younger sister is at fault for not announcing her entrance in some way, such as saying hello to everyone assembled. She has no social graces, nor does the rest of the family for not recognizing this sister's inappropriate behavior and suggesting she apologize. If it isn't your aim to make her look bad, I suggest you have an honest, private, non-confrontational chat. This is hardly a skirmish worth risking family relationships over.
Kind regards, Jay.
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
| How Do I Handle a Sticky Situation with My Father-in-Law?
Etiquette involving your guest room and in-laws
Dear StageofLife.com,
I generally have a great relationship with my husband's family, but I am caught in a bit of a sticky situation. My father-in-law is turning 50 this year and is having a big party for all the family and friends.
My husband's aunt just told my father-in-law that she is going to be here and my husband has volunteered our guest room. We recently got over guests (our friend...a single mom and her two kids) who had just trashed it, and we have not yet gotten the chance to do the repairs necessary to make it hospitable.
It's not that I have a problem with my father-in-law's sister or the fact that this will encourage us to fix up the room again... it's that my father-in-law thought he'd solved the lack of space problem with offering OUR guestroom. Plus, when I told my husband about this - thinking maybe he'd given the go ahead - he knew nothing of it.
I am unsure of the proper thing to do. I am helping my mother-in-law with the party since it will be huge and involved, but have been apparently been scripted for chauffeur for the aunt as well. I don't want to cause trouble for anyone since it seems like my father-in-law already settled it before he called an hour ago to tell me about it. By the way - my mother-in-law would be mad at him if she knew about how this went down but what good would that do to tattle on him? I'm not, of course, happy that this happened.
Any advice??
Robin
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Robin,
Your husband needs to have a chat with his father privately. This sort of disrespect needs to be nipped in the bud. Under no circumstances can he just use your house as his own in this fashion. Perhaps another accommodation can be found for his sister.
Alternatively, you may just have to pull things together as best as possible with a clear message to your father-in-law that he cannot do this ever again without asking first. I doubt he meant to be disrespectful, but he was and may even be startled to hear this.
Like we all learned in kindergarten, if you want to borrow something, you ask first. Let's hope your husband can sort this out. I hope this helps put things into perspective for you.
Kind regards, Jay.
 If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.
|
 | Do we need to be quiet for the golfers?
Etiquette involving living on a golf course
Dear StageofLife.com,
We recently moved to a home that has a backyard on the golf course. Are we supposed to be quiet in our backyard when golfers come by? Thank you for your help?
Linda
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Linda,
Thanks for asking this good question. As a common courtesy, it's nice not to be making a lot of noise, but you are under no obligation to be quiet unless there is some sort of covenant or by-law, which you would have know about before you bought the house. It would be unreasonable to expect children, for example, to keep track of golfers.
If you are on a municipal course, don't give it thought. Carry on as usual!
Kind regards, Jay!
If you have a homeowner etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
 | Do visitors get to pick where they sleep in my home?
Etiquette involving grown children visits
Dear StageofLife.com,
When grown children with grandchildren come to visit, do I, the hostess (Mom/Grandma), get to choose which bedrooms the visitors will use?
JG
Jay's ANSWER...
In answer to your query about choosing bedrooms for guests, YES, unquestionably you choose.
It's your house for heaven's sake!
Remember that all of your actions are being watched by your younger generation visitors. Like it or not, you are always leading by example. Make sure the example is a good one. Your home is your castle, and your rules are the final word.
I hope this helps!
--Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
 | Beverage Etiquette
Bottles, Cans, and Glasses - Beverage Etiquette
Dear Friends,
Summer is winding down, but our thirst has not yet received the message. I hope you enjoy this light discussion on serving your favorite cold drink.
My best, Jay
This summer has gotten off to a rather cool and breezy start; actually it's already half way over and the sweltering heat which has blanketed much of the U.S. has usually eluded us. The cool breezes brought in with the cold waters of the Bay of Fundy have managed to stave off the most oppressive summer heat we too could be experiencing. Nonetheless, summer is an active season and whether we're on the water watching whales or fishing, or if we're on the golf course playing a round of golf or on the courts enjoying a set or two of tennis, we are all likely to work up a healthy thirst. To quench this parched state, we dive into our favorite beverages. Depending on the time of day, we might slug down a cold bottle of water, a chilled can of pop, or a nice chilled glass of ale on tap at our local bar.
What we are in the mood for often decides the vessel we choose. We tend to use more ice cubes here in North America than in other parts of the world. This dictates that we use glasses of some form (real glass or plastic) for any drinks requiring ice. Wine, beer, and pop can be purchased and chilled in cans, bottles or even boxes. It is totally a matter of personal taste what you drink it from. The first beer I ever drank was in a glass and that's how I always preferred it. Coke was from a can. There was something oh-so-cold about the aluminum can against my lips that brought back those childhood memories. Wine was always from a glass, albeit plastic when poolside or on most boats, but never straight out of the bottle.
In countries where beverages are served room temperature or slightly chilled, most are served in glasses. In England, beer is more often than not served in a glass; in Germany it can be served in a pottery stein; in the US, lots of beer is left right in the can or bottle. Restaurants tend to use proper glasses, but that doesn't make it more proper or better etiquette. Bars often serve beer by the pitcher in which case glasses are always provided, chilled if done right. Soft drinks are often purchased right out of a machine in a can or bottle and are consumed in same.
For aficionados of spirits there is a wide array of glassware to choose from. A pilsner has it's special tall glass. Red and white wines are served in different shaped stemmed goblets. Some industrious merchants have devised shapes specific to certain grape varietals. I personally chalk this up to clever marketing although wine snobs will argue otherwise. There is now even a line of stemless wine glasses which is a ll the rage in some circles. Champagne of course has its own style of flute which helps keep the bubbles from dispersing too quickly. Spirits such as whiskey, rum, gin, etc. are usually served in short glasses, with or without ice depending on personal preference.
No matter what goblet you select for your wine, be sure to hold it by the stem and not by the bowl. There are a number of reasons for this, the most plausible being the heat released from your hand altering the ideal temperature at which the wine is consumed for maximum enjoyment. Beer is generally downed far more quickly and bottle, can, or glass all work equally well. It is a matter of personal choice. Although it is reported that the Brits have been known to drink "champers" right from the bottle, this is to be discouraged. This goes for wine and spirits as well. The bottle and can is best reserved for beer and pop, and then only in the most informal of settings. Let's face it, drinking beer out of a can at a formal wedding is just wrong. Don't ask for it to be served that way thinking you are doing the bar tender any favors.
One thing which is almost universal is the concept of recycling cans and bottles. Despite the criminally high numbers of cans and bottles which are tossed from car windows by thoughtless motorists, most of us make an effort to cart our cans and bottles to the recycle center where we may reclaim our deposits. Alternatively, here in Charlotte County, the Scouts rely on donations of used bottles and cans as a major income stream. They collect them as a community service and cash them in themselves.
Whatever beverage you choose, drink it responsibly. Water is totally safe; pop is loaded with sugar; alcohol impairs judgement. Bottle, can or glass? For the most part, the choice is yours.
 If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.
--StageofLife.com |
| Home Tours
House Guest 101
Dear Jay/StageofLife.com,
When someone comes to your home for the first time, is it appropriate to ask them "Would you like to see my house?" Or should you wait for them to say "I'd love to see your house." The former seems tacky. Please advise
Thanks,
Lori
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Lori,
Thanks for asking this good question. Your house is your castle. It would not be appropriate for someone to ask you for a tour of your house. It would be very welcoming of you to offer. If you are having a large group of people over who have never seen your house, be prepared to let people self guide themselves. That means having everything neat and tidy. The choice is yours.
I hope this helps. Jay
 If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.
--StageofLife.com |
 | Standing your ground with visitors
Self-invited house guests
Dear Jay/StageofLife.com,
Three times now, a couple I know only fairly well and like only moderately have invited themselves to stay with me for several days. I suspect that their main reason is that I live in a very pleasant seaside town. They give me a lot of advance notice of their visit, so it's difficult to claim that I have previous engagements so far in advance, and they now know that I have a spare room.
In truth, I don't like having people to stay and only ever invite those really dear to me - my sister, brother and other dear friends and relations who live far away.I live alone and work full-time as a translator from home, without any domestic help.
This couple expect me to be available to entertain them, accompany them on outings and feed them. The man is diabetic, with special dietary requirements, and grumbles a lot about the wet Cornish weather. They do offer to "help", but the main help I need is for them to get out of the kitchen when I'm trying to cook and, anyway, their "help" is useless because they don't know where anything is or how anything works. They leave me feeling completely exhausted mentally and physically.
When they leave they always "invite me back", but they live in a distant town I'm never likely to want to visit or pass through. How can I get myself out of this Wunwanted guest trap" I've allowed myself to fall into? Your advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Jenny
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Jenny,
Thanks for taking the time to ask this very good question. I am glad to see that you are taking responsibility for having "fallen into this trap". You just need to learn how to say 'no'. You are in fact being bullied by these folks, albeit unintentionally (I hope). This is a case of separating facts and feelings.
When you next speak with them simply explain the fact that you do not want any house guests at this time. You live alone for a reason and you need not feel obliged to share that reason with anyone. "I just do not want house guests" should suffice.
Think of it this way. When someone does something to you that you don't like, you say "Please don't do that." They should respect that. If they don't, they are being disrespectful and hurtful, which is unacceptable behavior.You may have to speak in a louder voice to make clear that your boundaries are not to be crossed.
Standing up for one's self is not easy, especially after you've been somewhat of an enabler in the situation. But this is what you need to do.
I hope this helps. Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.
--StageofLife.com |
 | Planet Etiquette
Recycling, Trash, and General Caring For Our Planet Etiquette
How is our etiquette concerning the planet on which we live?
I try to be mindful of taking care of our delicate planet on a daily basis. I am serious about recycling as is my partner. All of the wine and beer bottles, cans, newspapers, cardboard, plastic bags and vegetable scrapings are all recycled. We use to recycle over 2000 pounds of vegetable scrapings every year when operating the Windsor House. Our garden has good soil as a result, although a ton doesn’t really make as much difference as it sounds. However, every ton of waste not put into the landfill is to the good of the planet.
It amazes me how reckless people are today about the garbage they produce. Coffee cups are strewn along the highway. There are some people who I see regularly picking up discarded pop cans from the roadside as supplemental income, there are so many. The highways in the US and Canada capture so much litter that there are now laws in place to combat offenders. We should know better.
And to those of us who smoke, it is hard to believe how cavalier we have become of making the streets our own personal ashtray. Nothing could be more disrespectful to our visitors and fellow citizens. The town of St. Andrews actually employs someone to pick up cigarette butts as a summer job. How pathetic is that? This reflects so badly on our beautiful town and on the self esteem of our residents who feel it is their right to use the streets as a trash bin. And the sad fact is that no one can point a finger at any one group. I have witnessed this behavior from young and old and all socio-economic classes. It is arrogance at its very worst.
Before I come across as too self righteous, I admit to contributing to this total disregard for the fragility of our planet. I waste water like there is no tomorrow. I don’t turn off lights as I might when not in use. I don’t follow through on certain excellent suggestions from the Department of Energy on ways to use less electricity and conserve natural resources. I drive too much, although I must admit to ‘using’ other gas guzzlers to pick up and drop off my mail.
So, what do we do? What do I do?
Here we are living in one of the most ‘happening’ places on the planet as far as energy goes and we treat it with little respect. We take it for granted. We don’t want to see our streets littered with cigarette butts, yet we constantly flick them away. We’re not doing that consciously because we know someone needs employment to pick them up. We do it unconsciously. It’s like spitting or swearing or wearing clothes that don’t fit, or bullying or beating our children or spouses. It has become a way of life and it must stop. It soils our surroundings in such a negative way.
I can remember a time when there were no leash laws and there were no ‘pooper scooper’ laws. Walking down the streets of Paris or New York was a bit of a mine field. Suddenly people decided to end this horrible and lazy disrespectful behavior. Today, even in our small seaside tourist town, there are leash laws and special dispensers of plastic bags. For the most part, everyone with a dog is careful to follow these regulations. That is considered real progress. And fortunately no one is inconvenienced.
It’s time to take the next step.
We have made a major step forward by banning herbicides and pesticides in our small town. And a local company is testing organic fertilizer. The province provides home energy analyses for practically nothing, with incentives to improve energy efficiency. There are recycle centers which are constantly improving. There are many chances for us to all make a smaller footprint on the planet. What is keeping us from taking advantage of them?
In my opinion, these values must be taught at home and reinforced in the school system. Given the high cost of ‘deposit’ fees, this should be pretty easy when it comes to bottles and cans. Newspapers are trickier because you actually have to stack them up and take them to the recycle bin, and you get no cash in return. What a pity! Do it anyway. I find that every trip I take to the recycle bins gives me a sense of doing the right thing and it feels good. But maybe that’s just me. So many people feel the same way.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we all did? |
| Reader Question: Unwanted Guests
How Do I Say "No" to a House Guest Request?
Dear Jay/StageofLife.com,
I recently received an email from one of my husband's high school friends. This friend is planning to be in our town for a week this summer and wants to stay with us. He contacted me (I think) because my husband has largely severed ties with his high school friends, to the point of not returning this friend's phone calls a few summers ago when he was in town.
We have a guest room, but the fact is that neither of us really enjoy having house guests. We are early to bed, early to rise type people who prefer staying home to going out, and this friend is unfortunately the opposite.
Finally, I work from home most days and would end up spending most of that time hosting this person while my husband is at work. Despite these personal caveats, both of us feel awkward saying no since we have a guest room and he has asked several months in advance. How can we politely (but firmly) say no?
Thanks,
Alexis
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Alexis,
This is a classic case of not wanting to hurt someone's feelings.
Far too often we take on the responsibility of another's feelings when ourselves are feeling uneasy. My advise is to stick with the facts and keep your feelings out of it. Simply explain that you would love to see the person while he is in town, but that you cannot offer a guest room. No further explanation should be necessary, but if pressed, tell a white lie. Perhaps you're planning some renovations or a parent is planning to visit at that time. You might suggest comfortable and affordable nearby lodging. It would be rude to be requested to furnish an explanation.
But, you don't want to embarrass or insult anyone, so any plausible excuse without referencing any inconvenience will do. If a clear message is what you want, these are two which won't draw a rebuttal.
I hope this helps, Jay
 If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.
--StageofLife.com |
 | Reader Question: Party Invitations
Event Invitation Question
Jay/StageofLife.com,
An event is being held in a private home. Who is listed first on the invitation, the homeowners or the host of the event (wine tasting)?
Thanks,
Marc
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Marc,
Thanks for asking this good question. The host is listed on the invitation. The homeowners are providing the venue. It would read something like this. Mr. John Doe cordially invites _________to a wine tasting on (date), at the home of (or residence of) ____________. RSVP_______________.
Invitations carry information, pure and simple. If the homeowners are also acting as hosts, then we have a different situation than the one which I address here. Feel free to clarify if necessary. Thanks, Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.
--StageofLife.com |
 | Reader Question: Holiday Etiquette
Travel Etiquette for the Holidays
Jay,
This will be my first holiday season in my own apartment with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. As excited as I am to decorate, bake and enjoy the holidays as an adult, I am a little concerned about how to handle some of the holiday activites.
We are going to see our entire family (his & mine) on Thanksgiving. Is it wrong of us to want to spend Christmas Day in our own home this year instead of hiking from house 1, house 2, etc.? My family has a bit of an old mentality, and expects us to be there since we are 1) not married yet and 2) are not hosting the holidays ourselves.
Should we suck it up and travel all day during Christmas, or enjoy a couple's Christmas in the place we worked so hard to obtain?
Thanks,
Laurel
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Laurel,
Thanks for asking this really good question. I have found myself in this position both as a single person with a significant other and as a married person.
My experience tells me that parents usually do want their children to make the trek, sometimes even if they are burdened with kids, but I can totally identify with your position of wanting to spend Christmas in your home with your beloved.
My advice is to be as compassionate to yourselves and to your families as possible. This means being accommodating when possible, yet protecting your private time as well and without feelings of guilt. I think family traditions become traditions because most of the time they work well. If you step and back and look at the big picture, you in fact may be the most flexible; in which case you would be appropriately expected to bend more.
This in no way diminishes your desire to spend a quiet private Christmas in your own home. The symbolism which surrounds that is very strong and important. It is also resilient. My advice is to follow your instincts and "suck it up". Be grateful that you have two families to visit on such an important holiday.
I hope this helps, Jay
|
| Reader Question: Neighborly Neighbors
Etiqutte for Dealing With Unannounced Visits by Neighbors
I have recently been approached by two different families concerning a real problem with neighbors. In searching my library of etiquette books, I found no reference to this and so am addressing it here. The matter at hand is unannounced visits by neighbors.
In the ‘old days’ one did not call on anyone without phoning first to see if it would be convenient. Today, this consideration has seemingly flown out the window.
We visited close friends a couple of weeks ago. This was a planned visit and we were to stay for several days. Our hostess was not at home when we arrived and we went to let ourselves in only to find a padlock on the gate. I said, “I bet it’s because of the neighbors. I bet they were finally forced to take this step. As the old saying goes, ‘drastic times call for drastic measures’.”
We knew there was a history with the neighbors' children just showing up unannounced and uninvited to play or to be entertained; and not only the children, but the parents as well. It turns out that my hunch was correct. The behavior finally drove our friends to having to actually lock their back gate. The neighbor’s six-year-old son was also too clingy with our friends’ two-year-old son. It made our friends increasingly uncomfortable, yet they were at a loss of what to do to remedy the situation.
As awkward and uncomfortable as it may be, there really is no alternative than to confront the neighbors head on. This does not have to be combative or unfriendly, but I do feel that the facts need to be clearly laid out as well as the feelings that are generated as a direct result. Inappropriate physical contact needs to be delicately yet swiftly handled as well, as this may require some professional help. Sadly, these behaviors can go unnoticed by seemingly caring intelligent parents.
On this same topic, I received a question from a reader with a very similar problem...
Dear Jay,
I have some very nice neighbors, with some fairly 'pushy' children. We have a privacy fence; however, on one side of us, our neighbor's 9 year old son will peek over or through the fence to ask my boys (who are only aged 2 & 4) to ask me to invite him over. Recently, after I said no, he told them to ask me again. His mother is very sweet and often offers to watch them for me and will talk in the front yard with my children if we happen to see each other in passing. I want to keep a nice relationship, but I feel odd allowing her son to come over when he is so much older than my kids. Several other children in the neighborhood (who are also much older and whom we barely know) have peeked in through our gate/fence to ask to come over and play as well. (We have a swing set structure). I keep saying no, but they keep asking, and I am starting to dread going in my own backyard when I know the neighborhood kids are out. Am I wrong to keep saying no? If not, how do I handle this so they don't keep asking?
Sorry for the long explanation and question!
Thanks for your help,
Tricia
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Tricia,
Thanks for asking this sensitive question. This is an all too common problem.
As I see it, you have two choices.
1) You need to speak with their mothers and let them know that this behavior is bothering you and is in fact worrisome. The kids are acting inappropriately and should be corrected. If you're in a mood to want them over for a play session, let them know you'll invite them. Aside from not having control of your own back yard right now, you also have some liability issues should anyone get hurt.
2) Another alternative is to speak with the kids themselves and let them know that when you have time to watch them you'll invite them over. So, no, you are not wrong for saying no, but following the 'no' with a short explanation may make it sink in better.
I hope this helps,
Jay
Expanded Thoughts on Unwanted Neighbors...
Looking back on that answer, I would like to add that there is a privacy issue here too. People need to respect one another’s privacy. When I grew up this was instilled in me as a very young boy. Although we enjoyed visiting friends and family, we would never do so without phoning first. It is inconsiderate. It shows utter disregard for another person’s time. When we ran the Inn, my time was not my own. I treasured my private time. I learned how important it is to me. I still feel that way and I think deep down inside, we all do. |
 | Do Good Fences Make Good Neighbors?
Etiquette of Building Fences
There are bylaws very clearly dealing with the subject of fences, at least within most municipalities. These bylaws are based on simple principles of respect and civility. It is an opportunity for neighbors to make joint decisions and even share costs if the fence is going to be built right on the property line. This seems only fair.
Restoring my home, the Windsor House, was not different. I remember when we wanted to replace the decrepit fence behind our home, we had a very nice chat with our neighbor and came to an amicable arrangement, which we are both still happy with today, ten years later. Now, if your neighbor isn’t interested in having a fence on the property line, then a small setback is all that is necessary.
But what if you want a fence built by your neighbors to hide something unsightly? If the neighbors were even remotely sensitive, such a barricade would go a long way in showing consideration and respect for their neighbors. Inside many town limits there are bylaws dealing with such matters, but not in outlying areas. It is up to the good will of people. Being disrespectful to one’s neighbors can lead to difficulties.
I remember growing up in a neighborhood in Delaware, there were very few fences, unless a swimming pool was in the back yard. People would even take turns cutting the grass ‘on the line’ week after week. This taught me to be cooperative and neighborly. Now there are times when fences are really necessary for privacy. Many Bed and Breakfasts and Historic Inns really need such privacy fences. Such fencing is also convenient if you have dogs, and these fences can be lifesavers.
I have noticed several different styles of fences which have been used in and around my home. Some are ‘page wire’ and post fences generally used out of town for containing livestock. There are the beautiful mainly ornamental log fences zigzagging their way along the side of a yard. There are the traditional white painted picket fences which you can see through, often times to beautiful perennial flower beds. And sometimes you see large solid wood fences protecting people from construction sites.
In most of these cases, people are using them as accents to their already beautiful yards. Some people like defined yards, some people like ‘shared’ back yards, giving the look of a more expansive lawn. Lots of people use trees and shrubs in an architectural way, such as the myriad of sturdy cedar or spruce hedges.
I like it when people who live out of town have tree lines separating various fields. These usually grow up along lines where large stones or rocks have been heaped after harrowing a field for a crop of hay or berries. They provide a veritable pallet of color throughout the year, especially in spring and fall.
No matter what kind of fence you decide to build (or decline to build) usually has a direct correlation to the kind of architecture reflected in your house. Such structures are what brands a town and attracts people to come and enjoy it whether as summer residents or tourists and as full time residents.
Living in a community really requires neighborly conduct. It requires showing respect for your neighbors and for your community as a whole, which as a result shows how much respect you really have for yourself. |
 | Reader Question: The Perfect House Guest....Or Not
Guest Etiquette at a House Party
Jay,
Is it okay to bring my own sporks (that clever invention which combines a fork and spoon in one utensil) to a home party for my family to eat with because my hostess uses disposable plastic cutlery which goes against my environmental sustainability values.
--Helen
Jay's ANSWER...
This seemed like a simple enough question to me to which I first thought to answer - "No!," with a short explanation about keeping one's values to one's self when visiting someone else's house. However, I talked to a few others and found a wide variety of views on this topic.
For example...
-
One person exclaimed that if she were having a party, she'd be thrilled if people brought there own forks and knives because then she would have fewer to wash up.
-
Another argued that this was an opportunity to provide a teachable moment to her ecologically irresponsible friends.
Luckily, most people I talked to backed me up and shared the viewpoint that perhaps it is not appropriate to decide when teachable moments would suit your friends. As I began to uncoil from the surprise of these alternative points of view, I thought how useful such a simple question could illustrate a number of important points of etiquette which pop up from time to time in different situations. By understanding how these manners and habits can change in a simple situation such as with "sporks," this dynamic will spread to other more complex situations with greater ease.
First of all, if you are hosting an event, no matter how formal or informal, your job is to make your guests feel comfortable and welcome. When a meal is central to the get together, it is the responsibility of the host to make sure there is enough of everything including food and cutlery. In some cases, you will assign certain tasks to certain guests such as for a pot luck affair. Otherwise, guests should resist bringing anything more than a small gift. The host is giving the party after all, not the guest.
Secondly, a party to which one is an invited guest is not a time to become the center of attention by thrusting your views - political, religious, or otherwise - on others, unless that is the express purpose of the event. This trap is one into which some people fall often quite unintentionally. Usually this is the result of not thinking how your strong opinions might be received. This act of 'unthinking' is actually very disrespectful. Therefore, if you want to share your views on recycling, either do it in a public forum or at your own house, but not at someone else's house.
The guidelines of etiquette are flexible to be sure. However, making someone else, especially the hostess, feel inadequate, uninformed, or in any way uncomfortable, either intentionally or unintentionally, is never a good idea. Likewise, the concept of thinking that it's perfectly fine for your guests to feel free to bring whatever they want and behave however they want is not cool. It enables disrespectful behavior by endorsing their assumption that the host/hostess is inadequate in his or her ability to throw a nice party unassisted.
We need not look too far to see how respect has taken a back seat to a carefree attitude. Though carefree ought not to become careless and become hurtful in some way. The way to avoid an unwanted hurtful result is to think through what one is about to say and do. As a guest it is our place to enjoy the visit with the host/hostess who has included us in a gathering. And our job to behave respectfully. We must be mindful of others and what we practice as positive examples. After all, our behavior is a clear reflection of who we are and if our children learn their behavior from us let them learn good manners. Being aware of how our words and actions affect others is a behavior well worth passing along.
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 | Don't Ignore an RSVP Request
RSVP Etiquette
I have noticed that the RSVP on invitations in certain instances is ignored. Most invitations ask that the recipient RSVP. This is a simple but very important request. The translation of RSVP, the French expression ‘Respondez s'il vous plais’, is simply ‘please respond’ or ‘please reply’. The RSVP is the means for the host to gather essential information to complete the party or function arrangements. The RSVP clearly indicates how many people will or will not attend the event. It lets the host/hostess proceed with ordering food and beverages, creating a seating plan, hiring the correct number of wait staff and other obvious considerations in planning a successful occasion.
I have noticed that most people do in fact reply to private party invitations. Once you decide to accept an invitation, it really is important to show up, especially if a sit down meal is being prepared and served. Last minutes cancellations with a very legitimate excuse are acceptable. But ‘no-shows’ are inappropriate and extremely rude. Likewise, last minute replies are thoroughly disrespectful. If you are so late in replying that the host/hostess phones you to see if you are planning to attend a function, you ought to realize your gaff immediately, and apologize for your faux pas and any inconvenience which may have resulted. Apply the adage of walking in someone else's shoes and imagine yourself in the position of hosting a party without a clue to the number of people who will be attending.
For public or institutional affairs it is equally important to reply to invitations. These events require a lot of planning and a head count is crucial. Many times, people think RSVP means ‘regrets only’. It does not. If I am invited to an opening at a museum and there is an RSVP, I call immediately to let them know one way or the other. And, I might add, that no one is exempt from replying. Many times public figures are invited to special events as a sign of respect and courtesy. They must reply to such invitations for exactly the same reasons everyone else must.
At these large public gatherings, if you have not replied to the invitation, do not just show up thinking your host will be thrilled to see you. I have been to many such events where there is a list of who has replied. If you’re not on that list, you may well not be admitted. You are less likely to be turned away at the door for a non-profit group. Because these organizations cannot afford to offend anyone, protocol is broken or stretched. But keep in mind that you are still a guest and ought to return the courtesy of the invitation and hospitality that has been extended to you. Be prepared for a solicitation for a donation or request for volunteer help with various projects. These are some of the ways non-profits remain in existence doing good for the community.
There are various schedules one follows when mailing invitations depending on the kind of event or party. However, one should reply within 48 hours of receiving any invitation if possible. Unless otherwise stated on the invitation, replies should be in writing. In today’s fast paced society, most invitations have telephone numbers or emails for quick reply. Some contain a reply card to indicate the number of people attending and perhaps a card for choosing an entrée. Whatever the method of reply, do it promptly. Always put yourself in the position of the host or hostess.
Invitations are very clearly addressed. If the invitation is addressed to Mr. John Doe and Guest, then he is invited to bring along a guest – any guest of his choice. I heard recently of a wedding invitation where a gentleman was invited to bring a guest. The bride found out who the guest was and announced that the guest in question wouldn't be welcome. The bride did not want to be upstaged by the extraordinary beauty of the lady who was to accompany the invited guest. Once you have sent an invitation there is no taking it back-that just does not happen in polite society. Once a person RSVPs, the host/hostess accepts whatever decision the guest has made without further stipulation or regulation. How ludicrous! What a peculiar and cruel way for a bride to behave. That was a first for me.
If the invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family, that refers to immediate family, i.e. children. If the invitation does not state “and family”, do not ask if you may bring the children or others. Your asking this of a host/hostess puts him/her in an awkward position and makes you look foolish. However, in the case of an informal party, such as a pool party, as it’s a family kind of affair, it is acceptable to call and explain that you have house guests and ask if they might be included. More often than not extra guests are welcome.
RSVPs are one of the most essential parts of an invitation. Please respect them and respond as quickly as possible. This is one way that you as the guest can contribute to the success of the party and help ensure less stress for the host or hostess. This small gesture is always a winner. |
 | Reader Question - Phone Etiquette
How to Answer the Phone
Dear Jay,
I have two questions. Firstly: how should one answer the telephone at one's home, and how should employees be instructed to answer a business phone? Secondly, shouldn't one announce who is making the phone call? I find it disconcerting when I have no idea to whom I'm speaking.
Yours truly,
V.R.
Jay's ANSWER
Dear V.R.,
Answering the telephone at home and at work does have different protocols and manners associated with them.
At home, one should answer the telephone with an enthusiastic ‘hello’. The tone of one’s voice says a lot about your frame of mind. Even if you’re not in a good mood, and you decide to answer the phone, inject warmth into your voice. It makes others feel good. If you can’t manage to do this, which some people just can’t, then let the answering machine take the call.
If the call is for someone else, refrain from shouting out the person’s name if they are in another room or on another floor. It’s rude and upsetting to others who can hear you. For that matter, if you need to speak with someone who is visually out of sight and likely out of earshot of a normal voice, get up and go to that person. If someone does that to me, I don’t answer. Call me old fashioned, but it was not tolerated in my household when I was growing up.
Teach children how to have good telephone manners as well. You must understand these good manners yourself. It’s kind of like men wearing hats (or baseball caps or toques) indoors. How are children supposed to learn that that’s just wrong if you don’t teach them by example? Answering telephones can be a serious matter. Wearing a hat inside the house is just disrespectful and bad manners. Strangers can call and unsuspecting children can give out way too much information. I remember calling a friend’s house once, looking for either him or his wife. The house sitter answered the phone and told me that they would be away for a week. I had not identified myself, and had I been a thief, with the information she gave me, I would have been able to stage a robbery. Moreover, if small children are at home, a kidnapping could have taken place. I know this may sound alarmist to some folks, but this stuff happens and it is extremely important to teach your children at an early age exactly what to say.
Apologize if you dial a wrong number; don’t eat or drink while speaking on the phone as those unattractive sounds are magnified; and turn down the radio or TV when answering a call for the same reason. Keep a note pad and pencil by each phone and write down messages which will be clear and have all of the pertinent information. Make every effort to return any calls within 24 hours. And if you do not want to answer the telephone, for whatever reason, don't!
At the office, the protocol is somewhat different. Still, a cheery voice gives a good impression of your company. You never know when the call coming in is from a first time caller. It helps to actually smile when you answer the phone. Unless you have your own home business, an enthusiastic ‘hello’ is not sufficient. It is much better to answer with “Windsor House, Jay speaking”, or “Good afternoon, the Windsor House”. Recorded greetings which direct you somewhere else are totally annoying. We all really want to get a live person on the wire. Telephone companies, banks and credit card companies are notorious for this.
If you are an executive assistant, be sure to always use an honorific (Mr., Dr. or Ms.) before the person’s name. For example, say, “Dr. Smith’s office, Ms. Jones speaking.” This gives the proper dignity due the person being phoned. When calling, and you get the secretary of the person you are looking for, feel free to leave a complicated massage if the secretary is capable. Some corporations have highly skilled executive secretaries that can make heaven and earth move. Establishing working relationships with these individuals on the phone can be incredibly helpful in conducting future business.
In answer to your second question, yes it is necessary to identify yourself when you place a call. It is frustrating to be carrying on a conversation with someone only to later realize you have the wrong person on the other end of the phone. Being mindful of another’s time is also a courtesy to extend. Ask if this is a good time to speak with the other person.
In any event, be sure to be civil on the phone. Never raise your voice or lose your temper. This is a sure fire way to lose a client or a contact. I find a pleasant phone call can make my day. One that goes on and on can have the opposite effect. Showing respect for one another is the name of the game. |
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