Bullying

Life for many of us is not always a bed of roses. In this column, "Civility Begins at Home", Jay takes a glimpse at this unpleasant subject and what we might do to change things...

Look Around You and Be Polite

Unsure How to Respond

Dear Jay,

How do I respond to a graduation announcement? I just found out there is a graduation party within a week and I am not invited.

It is a relative of my husband, and I just met them once recently. I have never met their son who is graduating. I wish to do the right thing, but I am not sure what to do?

Respectfully yours, Edith

Jay's ANSWER:

Dear Edith,

Thanks for asking this good question. There is no need to respond to a graduation announcement at all. If you want to send a card of congratulations, I am sure that would be most appreciated. Nothing more is required. I hope this helps.

Regards, Jay

Driving Etiquette 101 for Teenagers

As temperatures rise and people’s pockets are lightened more rapidly than ever due to the current economic disaster, so unfortunately people’s own tempers can flare on the road.  As a refresher, following the basic rules of driving that we all learned at a younger age will go a long way to ensure safety for all.

Let People In:  You've heard the term "one good turn deserves another." That's also true when driving. Proper driving etiquette can be contagious. If you let someone in to the traffic flow, they'll probably do the same for someone else down the road. Most people often let people in, if they're signaling, but they expect at least a thank-you wave, and are frustrated when they don't get one. A polite acknowledgement is often forgotten when a driver is in a hurry. For a real twist on this, practice random acts of kindness sometimes too. For example, when on a toll highway, pull up to the attendant and pay your toll and tell them you’d like to pay the toll for the next car as well. You will always get a smile and often times that chain of kindness continues.

Don't Be Aggressive:  Allowing more time to reach your destination will make you a safer and more courteous driver. Aggressive driving is dangerous and it puts others in danger as well. People get nervous when a car cuts too close in front of them, especially without signaling and especially when there’s an infant in the car. When you can see both headlights of the car you passed in the centre rear-view mirror, it’s safe to pull back into the right lane and remember to use your turn signal. I find that even when there’s no one else on the road, if I am going to turn onto another road, I use my turn signal automatically. It’s a very good habit to have deeply ingrained in your driving patterns. Trying to cut corners to get through traffic faster doesn't save you any time - it just gets you to the next red light a little sooner, all the while endangering those around you.

Slow Down:  Driving within the speed limit seems like a thing of the past. Teenagers can be a group guiltiest of this, simply due to their inexperience of the consquences.  Some (not all) zoom down their town streets with little regard that a toddler or stray animal might bolt into the path of their car.  I remember watching this one day as a girl ran over a cat. The cat was badly wounded and would eventually die. The girl was devastated. She was truly upset and remorseful and in need of some serious consolation. What a terrible way to have to learn why speed limits are there for a reason.

Be Sober:  Driving while under the influence of drugs and alcohol is another serious danger of which we all aware. This is not isolated to a single demographic group. Sadly it covers everyone who has a license, even those below the legal drinking age. More times than not, one loses one’s sense of speed when driving under the influence, which is one reason they’re so easy to nab. Parents really need to teach their children that the dangers of this practice can have serious consequences, such as a criminal record, loss of driver’s license and loss of respect from others and from oneself, not to mention serious injury. There was a party here recently following the senior prom. People from many local high schools came to a central private location where several sets of parents had agreed to be responsible chaperones. All of the keys were collected so there would be no chance of driving under the influence. Those students who thought they’d beat the system by parking on the road to make a fast getaway were greeted with deflated tires (that were inflated the next morning). There were about 200 youth there and there were no troublesome incidents. Those youth are now empowered to teach their own children, when they have them, how to act responsibly.

Drive Defensively:  Driving defensively is always the best policy. In order to do that, your full attention must be on the road. Be totally aware of all the cars near you as well as the road conditions. You can’t do this while adjusting the radio, chatting on cell phones (which is illegal in many areas for just that reason) or rummaging for a CD. I know this first hand. I was driving on a ski trip one day with two passengers. I was fumbling for a CD and hit a patch of black ice which was concealed from vision under the snow. The car (a Land Cruiser) went into a spin and crashed off the road into a rock formation and flipped. Through a miracle there were no injuries despite the fact that the vehicle was totaled. Imagine what that outcome could have been.

Civility and good manners will never do us any harm, on or off the road. Driving is a privilege and one which we take for granted far too often. Be ever mindful of those around you. It may just save a life.

Recycling, Trash, and General Caring For Our Planet Etiquette

How is our etiquette concerning the planet on which we live?

I try to be mindful of taking care of our delicate planet on a daily basis. I am serious about recycling as is my partner.  All of the wine and beer bottles, cans, newspapers, cardboard, plastic bags and vegetable scrapings are all recycled.  We use to recycle over 2000 pounds of vegetable scrapings every year when operating the Windsor House. Our garden has good soil as a result, although a ton doesn’t really make as much difference as it sounds. However, every ton of waste not put into the landfill is to the good of the planet.

It amazes me how reckless people are today about the garbage they produce. Coffee cups are strewn along the highway. There are some people who I see regularly picking up discarded pop cans from the roadside as supplemental income, there are so many. The highways in the US and Canada capture so much litter that there are now laws in place to combat offenders. We should know better.

And to those of us who smoke, it is hard to believe how cavalier we have become of making the streets our own personal ashtray. Nothing could be more disrespectful to our visitors and fellow citizens. The town of St. Andrews actually employs someone to pick up cigarette butts as a summer job. How pathetic is that?  This reflects so badly on our beautiful town and on the self esteem of our residents who feel it is their right to use the streets as a trash bin. And the sad fact is that no one can point a finger at any one group. I have witnessed this behavior from young and old and all socio-economic classes. It is arrogance at its very worst.

Before I come across as too self righteous, I admit to contributing to this total disregard for the fragility of our planet. I waste water like there is no tomorrow. I don’t turn off lights as I might when not in use. I don’t follow through on certain excellent suggestions from the Department of Energy on ways to use less electricity and conserve natural resources. I drive too much, although I must admit to ‘using’ other gas guzzlers to pick up and drop off my mail.

So, what do we do?  What do I do?

Here we are living in one of the most ‘happening’ places on the planet as far as energy goes and we treat it with little respect. We take it for granted. We don’t want to see our streets littered with cigarette butts, yet we constantly flick them away. We’re not doing that consciously because we know someone needs employment to pick them up. We do it unconsciously. It’s like spitting or swearing or wearing clothes that don’t fit, or bullying or beating our children or spouses. It has become a way of life and it must stop. It soils our surroundings in such a negative way.

I can remember a time when there were no leash laws and there were no ‘pooper scooper’ laws. Walking down the streets of Paris or New York was a bit of a mine field. Suddenly people decided to end this horrible and lazy disrespectful behavior. Today, even in our small seaside tourist town, there are leash laws and special dispensers of plastic bags. For the most part, everyone with a dog is careful to follow these regulations. That is considered real progress. And fortunately no one is inconvenienced.

It’s time to take the next step.

We have made a major step forward by banning herbicides and pesticides in our small town. And a local company is testing organic fertilizer. The province provides home energy analyses for practically nothing, with incentives to improve energy efficiency. There are recycle centers which are constantly improving. There are many chances for us to all make a smaller footprint on the planet. What is keeping us from taking advantage of them?

In my opinion, these values must be taught at home and reinforced in the school system. Given the high cost of ‘deposit’ fees, this should be pretty easy when it comes to bottles and cans. Newspapers are trickier because you actually have to stack them up and take them to the recycle bin, and you get no cash in return. What a pity! Do it anyway. I find that every trip I take to the recycle bins gives me a sense of doing the right thing and it feels good. But maybe that’s just me. So many people feel the same way.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we all did?

Teaching Thanks

Jay,

I am a mom of three teenagers who seem to have no respect for handwritten thank you notes after receiving a gift. " I already told them thank you when I opened it." "I don't want to seem redundant." "They know I am thankful."

I find these answers rude and inconsiderate of the amount of thought, love and caring that went into thinking of them (on a birthday, Christmas or graduation) and I don't understand how they can think that this is acceptable. I used to not allow them to play with any of their toys until thank you notes were written. Now with the eye rolling and "I wouldn't want someone to keep thanking me over ad over." I am beside myself.

Please help. Is a verbal "thanks" enough?

-Laura

Jay's ANSWER...

Dear Laura,

Thanks for asking this good question. Kids, especially teenagers, are always testing boundaries and questioning authority. Parents must be clear and firm with their directions, and often times setting a good example is the way children learn. They have obviously not received a thank you note themselves in order to experience the joy a thank you note can generate. By not writing a thank you note, they are demonstrating a lack of gratitude and a lack of respect. These are not good qualities to be exhibiting and there need to be consequences.

I would think a non-threatening chat might help. If kids understand why these rules or guidelines are in place, explained in a non-dictatorial way, they tend to "get it". Of greater concern to me is the disrespect they are showing you with their flippant answers. Somewhere along the line they were allowed to get away with this. Basically you have enabled them to become this way. You and your husband need to be united in your approach in dealing with this issue. If they don't learn the principle of cause and effect now, they will have to learn it later in life. 

I hope this helps, Jay

RSVP Etiquette

I have noticed that the RSVP on invitations in certain instances is ignored. Most invitations ask that the recipient RSVP. This is a simple but very important request. The translation of RSVP, the French expression ‘Respondez s'il vous plais’, is simply ‘please respond’ or ‘please reply’.  The RSVP is the means for the host to gather essential information to complete the party or function arrangements. The RSVP clearly indicates how many people will or will not attend the event. It lets the host/hostess proceed with ordering food and beverages, creating a seating plan, hiring the correct number of wait staff and other obvious considerations in planning a successful occasion.

I have noticed that most people do in fact reply to private party invitations. Once you decide to accept an invitation, it really is important to show up, especially if a sit down meal is being prepared and served. Last minutes cancellations with a very legitimate excuse are acceptable. But ‘no-shows’ are inappropriate and extremely rude. Likewise, last minute replies are thoroughly disrespectful. If you are so late in replying that the host/hostess phones you to see if you are planning to attend a function, you ought to realize your gaff immediately, and apologize for your faux pas and any inconvenience which may have resulted. Apply the adage of walking in someone else's shoes and imagine yourself in the position of hosting a party without a clue to the number of people who will be attending.

For public or institutional affairs it is equally important to reply to invitations. These events require a lot of planning and a head count is crucial. Many times, people think RSVP means ‘regrets only’. It does not. If I am invited to an opening at a museum and there is an RSVP, I call immediately to let them know one way or the other. And, I might add, that no one is exempt from replying. Many times public figures are invited to special events as a sign of respect and courtesy. They must reply to such invitations for exactly the same reasons everyone else must.

At these large public gatherings, if you have not replied to the invitation, do not just show up thinking your host will be thrilled to see you. I have been to many such events where there is a list of who has replied. If you’re not on that list, you may well not be admitted. You are less likely to be turned away at the door for a non-profit group. Because these organizations cannot afford to offend anyone, protocol is broken or stretched. But keep in mind that you are still a guest and ought to return the courtesy of the invitation and hospitality that has been extended to you. Be prepared for a solicitation for a donation or request for volunteer help with various projects. These are some of the ways non-profits remain in existence doing good for the community.

There are various schedules one follows when mailing invitations depending on the kind of event or party. However, one should reply within 48 hours of receiving any invitation if possible. Unless otherwise stated on the invitation, replies should be in writing. In today’s fast paced society, most invitations have telephone numbers or emails for quick reply. Some contain a reply card to indicate the number of people attending and perhaps a card for choosing an entrée. Whatever the method of reply, do it promptly. Always put yourself in the position of the host or hostess.

Invitations are very clearly addressed. If the invitation is addressed to Mr. John Doe and Guest, then he is invited to bring along a guest – any guest of his choice. I heard recently of a wedding invitation where a gentleman was invited to bring a guest. The bride found out who the guest was and announced that the guest in question wouldn't be welcome. The bride did not want to be upstaged by the extraordinary beauty of the lady who was to accompany the invited guest.  Once you have sent an invitation there is no taking it back-that just does not happen in polite society. Once a person RSVPs, the host/hostess accepts whatever decision the guest has made without further stipulation or regulation.  How ludicrous! What a peculiar and cruel way for a bride to behave. That was a first for me.

If the invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family, that refers to immediate family, i.e. children. If the invitation does not state “and family”, do not ask if you may bring the children or others. Your asking this of a host/hostess puts him/her in an awkward position and makes you look foolish. However, in the case of an informal party, such as a pool party, as it’s a family kind of affair, it is acceptable to call and explain that you have house guests and ask if they might be included. More often than not extra guests are welcome.

RSVPs are one of the most essential parts of an invitation. Please respect them and respond as quickly as possible. This is one way that you as the guest can contribute to the success of the party and help ensure less stress for the host or hostess. This small gesture is always a winner.

Thank-You Card Etiquette for all Stages of Life

The very first thank-you notes I wrote were for Christmas presents. My mother, sister and I would sit down the day after Christmas with our boxes of note cards and lists of gifts and who had given them to us. Everyone who had given us a gift received a hand written thank-you note.

This at first seemed like a daunting task for an eight year old, but as the years rolled by it became a routine which we looked forward to. Learning to compose a note that had some personality was the challenge. Penmanship was also important. Cards with mistakes had to be discarded and begun anew. In this day and age where actual hand writing has unfortunately taken a back seat to the computer, penmanship is atrocious. Teachers take note! Even students in high school can barely write their names in a legible way. Nonetheless, I have received numerous heartfelt notes from students which meant a great deal to me. And because they were so personal, I know the gratitude that the students felt was sincere.

There are many times when writing a note of thanks is important. There also is a certain feeling of warmth that one gets from writing them. You should send a thank-you note when you are given a gift, sent flowers, asked to lunch or dinner, invited for a weekend, asked to a concert or performance of some kind or when someone does something nice or helpful in a business or social situation such as an introduction or letter of reference. I write far too few thank-you notes. However, I do make a point of phoning whenever I am invited to dinner. People appreciate knowing that the effort that went into cooking dinner and the camaraderie of the time spent together with friends was genuinely enjoyed.

There is an excellent book which was recently published by a colleague of mine entitled 101 Ways to Say Thank You. In it Kelly Browne gives excellent examples of what to actually say in such notes. It has great tips on buying stationary, superlative words to use in a note and many helpful suggestions.

Imagine the delight in receiving a thank-you note. I find that it strengthens friendships and relationships, especially in business situations which are just budding. Whenever someone extends themselves to celebrate a happy occasion, lend a helping hand, make an introduction for you or acknowledge a difficult time you may be experiencing, take the time to write a note. It takes only a few minutes. In some cases notes with “Thank-you” can be purchased at a stationary store or at local gift shops. Some of the highest quality stationary is sold by Crane & Company in the US. They have an excellent website and have a wide variety of cards and stationary which can be personally engraved if required. You can buy note cards at the Dollar Store as well, so there’s not a lot of expense required to accomplish this mission.

In business situations, thank-you notes can be sent via email. It is a matter of discretion however and a hand written or typed note may serve your purposes better. Whatever you decide, be sure that the note is sincere and includes a reference to the purpose of your meeting. If you are sending a note to an interviewer from whom you want a job, be sure not to send a gift. In most companies as well as in government, there are policies against accepting gifts.

In the case of weddings and the tremendous joy and love and support you receive from friends and family, thank-you notes are essential and absolutely must be hand written. And there is no reason why the bride needs to be the sole writer. The groom should share in that responsibility. Be sure that as you open your presents at showers that someone records the gift and the sender. For wedding presents which arrive in the post, one trick which comes in handy is to cut off the return address from the package and attach it to the gift or gift card. Again be sure you have a list and as each thank-you note is written, check it off the list.

The most important thing to remember is to say thank-you often. There are so many more occasions to verbally express your gratitude to another person than there will be reasons for a hand written note. Use the phone if you want to. Speak directly to the person to whom you are grateful. I know of no one who says thank-you too often. Say it with a smile on your face and make direct eye contact. This will go a long way to show the respect you have for others and for yourself.

Observations on Graduating With Class

I had the distinct honor of being invited to this year's graduation for the senior class of the Sir James Dunn Academy. Graduation ceremonies are filled with protocol and a bit of etiquette. Without these, the organizational elements would be totally chaotic. The graduation itself took place in the gymnasium and was beautifully decorated and carefully planned and executed. Walking into the school and seeing everyone all dressed up was so refreshing and really nice.

It is always interesting to learn who is related to whom. One would think that after 17 years, I might have a clue about parents and their children, and in some case I did, but the extended arms of various families still had my head spinning. Graduations are one of those occasions we experience when we try to put aside any untoward feelings we may have about family members with whom we have an estranged relationship and focus our attention on the graduates themselves.

Another part of graduations which I look forward to are the various speeches. This year reminded me of why I like them so much. For one thing, I am impressed with the facility people have of standing in front of an audience of strangers, speaking about a broad range of subjects about life, it's impending pitfalls, its moments of joy and the adventures that lie ahead for the graduates. This year's speeches were all short, punctuated with humor and seeded with wonderful advice. Those heartfelt personal messages are the just the kind of advice that is doled out in one form or another throughout the busy school year and often go unheeded. For some reason, perhaps because we are a captive audience, we pay closer attention at graduation. We actually listen and hear things we yearn to hear often.

The afternoon affords the graduates and their parents plenty of time to prepare for the Grand March, a local tradition dating back several decades. The Grand March starts off an evening of celebration. Formally dressed in a beautiful array of colorful dresses, tuxedos and suits, the grads and their parents walk arm in arm through Centennial Park and are announced before the assembled crowd, much like a formal cotillion. Girls are escorted by their dads, brothers or grandfathers, while the boys walk in with their moms, grandmothers or sisters. It is a highlight of the year for many people and this event is well attended.

The tradition of graduation as a rite of passage is celebrated all over the world. Watching the baton handed from one principal to another, one MC to another, and one class president to another over the course of the years is proof of how important we as a society hold such matters. It is always heartwarming to see a class of school mates unite and perform as a group, including the entire class in the planned activities. An example of this was beautifully described in one of the speeches. Customarily the class takes a trip together as a fun extra curricular activity to punctuate their achievements. They usually go white water rafting. This year, however, one of their classmates is confined to a wheelchair and as a result would not have been able to participate. The class decided that it was more important to include everyone in the activity and chose an alternative which would allow for total inclusion. I mention this as an example of how we may all learn from the students whom we so often teach. Wouldn't the world be a more wonderful place if this same dynamic was carried throughout our daily lives and society as a whole?

The students demonstrated great individuality during the year. At graduation they come together as individuals and uphold tradition. This year's class was no exception. But above all, they demonstrated how they order their priorities. To my mind, they are doing just fine. If tomorrow's leaders were in that group of graduates, and my guess is that there are many, then we have much to look forward to. The teachers to whom parents entrust their children are commendable. Their guidance is working, and in no small part because they are allowing the students to help in the process. The future is bright.

Congratulations to the class of 2010!