|
|  | Getting to Know Us
Honest is the Best Policy
Dear Jay,
My siblings (4) and I have an aunt that comes to visit from another state for six to eight weeks, two times a year. The first time is June-July and November-January. These dates have changed through the years because of vacation plans (mom, sister, aunt and me went on a couple of two week trips, etc.). She started coming to visit after my grandmother passed away (ten years ago). She is planning on moving here within the next couple of years (she says). She started visiting to "get to know us". She stays two weeks or longer in three homes. Most of us work and she stays at the house all day watching television, playing games by herself, etc. She does entertain herself. When we come home, there she sits. We have to make dinner arrangements then go to bed and start all over again the next day! One sister lives with me, one sister is married and another recently became a widow. Another sister out of state is married, but my aunt has only visited with them one time and they said they weren't "keeping her". Three of us agree that "she has gotten to know us!" We fret over each visit, and she has made the comment that she's on "vacation" when she visits and that when grandma was alive (aunt has never been married and lived with her mom), they provided meals for visitors. A couple of times, she has taken us out to dinner and last year helped buy groceries at my house. She doesn't ask to visit (she leaves it up to us where and when she makes her visits to each home) and another sister has said that she doesn't have to be entertained. We feel like she does! Aunt demands that we provide transportation to church, she doesn't ask! She never calls us between visits. We call her when we have a question about a game rule or concern for her during a storm, etc. We don't want to hurt her feelings and just want to know how to remedy this situation. A few days at each home would be nice!
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Mrs. Honeras,
Honesty is the best policy. Unfortunately you and your siblings have been first class enablers in this family dynamic, which has now grown out of control, as such situations are want to do. I recommend that you have a siblings-only family meeting - in personal preferably, but the phone could work too. Come up with a plan that you can all agree to. One of you meets with the aunt - again face-to-face is ideal, and simply explain how you all feel. She is not psychic and probably does not want to be the colossal inconvenience she has become. This discussion should not be confrontational or stressful. State the facts and leave the emotions alone. This situation is not going to fix itself or go away, so it is time for you to take the bull by the horns and make that plan come to light! I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
 If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.
|
 | Head of the Household
Who is the head of the family?
Dear Jay,
My mom just recently came to live with us, and I gave her my seat at the head of the table. My mom and husband got into a little spat and spilled a little emotion over it. They made up, but my husband has not forgotten it. My husband feels that my mom is taking our authority over the kids. I agree she sees us as her children and does feel she is the head of the family. My husband said he wants me to sit at the head because I am his wife. I have been giving that seat away when an older guest comes, so I've started this problem. I think my mom is feeling some power sitting in that seat, and it is causing her to feel at a higher rank because of it. Is she the head of the family because of her age and status? How can I get the seat back without hard feelings? I think no matter how I take it back she may be hurt, and I don't want to hurt her. But my husband is clearly upset, too. I really don't know how to handle this.
--Mrs. Honeras
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Mrs. Honeras,
Thanks for asking this question, which fortunately is solvable. Yes, you made the mistake of giving up your seat, as you are the head of household. Your mother should rightly sit to the right hand of your husband. Because she is your mother, it is your responsibility to sort out boundaries with her. You have every right to state house rules, but being fully in step with your husband is critical. Plan these sorts of decisions and arrangements with him before hand - not after you make another mistake! I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
 | Just Droppin' By...Again
Can we tell our guests to get a hotel?
Dear Jay,
My husband and I live in a tourist destination, and family members and friends frequently ask to visit us (we usually have visitors at least two weekends per month). Our siblings (we have five of them) are extremely needy and are usually not the greatest house guests. They each come multiple times throughout the year, stay in our guest room, don't rent a car (we only have one), and always want to go out to eat. Not only do these visits require our time (entertaining and cleaning before and after their arrival), but they also affect our wallets. Frequently, these visits extend into the work week as well. We don't want to hurt their feelings, but we would much rather they get a hotel and their own car so our normal routines are not constantly uprooted. What is the best way to handle the situation when we get a call saying "We're coming to visit you in July!"?
--Sauna
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Sauna,
Please forgive the tardiness of this response. You are stuck in somewhat of a habit here—a rut, if you will. This will more than likely continue and even worsen until such time as you lay down the law—explain your house rules! One's house is one's castle, and as master of one's own castle, one is well within one's right to be crystal clear about house rules so that no one embarrasses the others through no fault of their own.
It's best to handle delivering this information face-to-face and as a couple if appropriate. If spoken over the phone or written in a letter, do not be defensive or feel the need to give an explanation for the rules.
There appears to be a combined lack of gratitude and a resultant feeling of entitlement; as well there is no respect for your boundaries—either time or space! This information can and should be delivered calmly and clearly. You cannot control their feelings - if their feelings are hurt, they need to take responsibility and grow up - age having nothing to do with it.
Learning to say no in a friendly way is possible. Speak from your heart and trust your inner voice. I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
| Just Droppin' By
Is it rude to drop by unannounced?
Dear Jay,
Is it rude for someone to just drop by unannounced if you've only met them once or twice, and they are not a close relative?
--Ms. Johnson
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Ms. Johnson,
Frankly, I think it's rude for anyone, close relative or the traveling salesman, to drop by unannounced. I wouldn't have daren't do so with my own mother!
I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
 | Disrespectful Visitors
What is the polite way to tell adult married children they are rude and disrespectful?
Dear Jay,
We have an adult daughter and her husband who request overnight visits with either parents or a grandfather. Yet the there is no social visit. These children merely want a free bed and no interaction. They make separate plans or stay locked up in a guest room all hours.
And do not thank their hosts. Ever.
What is the polite way to tell adult married children they are rude and disrespectful to their parents and grandparents?
--Edgar
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Edgar,
Good manners are learned at home. Somewhere along the line some of these seem to have slipped through the cracks. My advice at this stage of the game is to have a chat with your daughter and explain your feelings. Lay down a few rules of respect, as you thought they had been already understood.
You are fully within your rights to have house rules. Lack of gratitude is another basic principle gone missing. It's never too late to teach these important life skills either to your children or to theirs as they come along.
I hope this helps.
Kindest regards,
Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
| Live-In Grandma Has Question
I'm a live-in grandmother with a question...
Dear Stage of Life,
I have been living with my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter for 2 years and we just moved to a new house. I have a bedroom in the lower level of the house and the two upper levels are their bedrooms and the family area (living, dining, kitchen).
Frequently after dinner I will go downstairs to watch TV and give them family time. Recently, I have heard them visiting with the new neighbors who have come by to visit. I have refrained from going upstairs (even to get something to snack on or drink) because I'm not sure if it would be considered intruding.
Should I stay out of the out or continue my normal routine when the family has house guests?
--Karen
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Karen,
If you have been living with your family for two years, the house is considered your home too, even if you don't contribute financially, which I imagine you do in some fashion. If you feel uneasy, simply broach the subject with your daughter. This lack of communication is not healthy, so nip it in the bud.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
| Who Gets the Guest Bed?
What is the proper etiquette for deciding which family member gets to stay in our spare room (when multiple members from both sides are visiting at the same time)?
Dear Stage of Life,
My husband and I are having a first birthday party for our son and our entire family must travel for this event. We have decided to rotate which family members stay at our house in our one spare room. My mother said that this decision is incorrect and rude, that she should stay here each time since she is the "mother of the bride" and "helps more".
What is the proper etiquette for which family members stay?
--Stephanie
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Rachel,
Thanks for asking this great question. My advice is to offer the room first (always) to the senior member of the invited group. If it is your mother, then she should have first dibs on the room. If there is someone else of equal or greater seniority, they should be asked on a rotating basis, as you suggest, or in the event of greater seniority, always asked first.
Your mother is right on this one; however, it is your house, you are an adult, and the final decision rests with you. At some point it might be necessary to establish that in your house, your rules apply.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
 | Guest Bedroom Issues with the Grandparents
Do my husband's parents have the right to claim our bedroom bed when visiting instead of staying in the guest bed?
Dear Stage of Life,
My husband and I purchased our first home together - a townhouse. Currently we have a toddler and infant and the townhouse has three bedrooms. The toddler currently has his own room and the infant currently sleep in our bedroom. That leaves one of the other bedrooms free.
My husband and I would like to provide a bed in the room for visiting guests. The room cannot fit a bed larger than a full size mattress, but it can accommodate a trundle bed (if the trundle is only pulled out for the night, we can arrange furniture). We found a very nice daybed with a trundle in our budget. Our only concern is my husband's dad and step mom will not sleep on the trundle and requests our bedroom and bed, which is a king size. I co-sleep with my infant and require a larger bed to do so safely. Eventually that room will be set up for my infant to move into, so we can fit a crib and a twin sized bed (daybed) in it.
We are debating what to do. I thought there was no obligation of the host family to give up their bed to visiting family? Is our best bed to go with a trundle bed to sleep two? Or go with a full size bed? How far out of our way should we accommodate family?
--Rachel
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Rachel,
Your house is your home and castle. It deserves the respect that honor accords including yours and your guests'.
Your in-laws are overstepping their bounds and obviously have been for some time. You allowed this and it is now a pattern. Now, suddenly you basically have no guest rooms and you're feeling guilty. As this picture comes into focus you and your husband will need to decide how to handle this new reality. Once you agree, sit down with his parents or pick up the phone and let them know how excited you are about being able to redecorate the kids' new rooms. You can remark about how quickly they grow up. That will plant the obvious seed which will sprout the next time a visit is imminent. It will be easier than you think.
I hope this is of some help.
Kindest regards,
Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
| Lots of Leftovers
Is it rude to cancel your anticipated visit 2-3 hours before the family dinner...repeatedly?
Dear Stage of Life,
Our family has a weekly extended family dinner where the grandparents, parents, grandchildren and now great-grandchildren attend with full family and often a friend or two.
People have many things to do, church events, dinner with the other side of the family, etc., so there is no expectation that everyone will make it every week. All we have ever asked is that you contact the hostess by the day before if you have some other event to attend and give a call if you are bringing a friend so the amount of food matches the number of people.
The problem is one family of six in the grandchild generation continues to cancel 2-3 hours before we are suppose to sit down to the meal - well after meat and frozen vegetables are thawed and preparation has started for many dishes.
On a practical level, this creates a lot of left overs that are often thrown away and sometimes even makes the meal prep harder than it needed to be that particular week. On a personal level, I feel this is very rude, inconsiderate, and generally disrespectful behavior to have this repeatedly occur.
What are your thoughts?
--Lots of Leftovers...again
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Lots of Leftovers,
Sunday family dinners are a wonderful tradition. As families grow, these gatherings can become unmanageable, and I take my hat off to you for maintaining this healthy family custom! The host absolutely should be informed of anyone not attending. Not providing such basic courtesy is rude and unacceptable.
I do not encourage editing the guest list of these culprits, but a senior member of the family needs to have a clear and private chat with the offender(s), explaining why this disrespect cannot continue.
Frankly, this behaviour was either learned or at the very least enabled within the family, so let the responsibility fall where it may. Perhaps it's time for the offenders to host a few of these dinners. Trial by fire sometimes works like a charm!
I hope this helps. Kindest regards,
Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
 | To call or not call?
Should you walk into a friend's or family member's home without first announcing your visit?
Dear StageofLife.com,
I was brought up to always call family or friends if I wished to visit, to see if it would be convenient for them. I have, in fact, taught this practice to my own children.
However, I seem to be in the minority here and my friends think I am super strange. Many times I have been at the home of a friend or neighbor (either having coffee or watching a movie), only to have their family or friends just walk into the house unannounced. Often I find this extremely uncomfortable and cannot wait to leave. I find it super rude. My friends do not.
The mother of my son-in-law walks into their house any time as well. My daughter hates it. Locking the door doesn't work with her either, because she has a key, and uses it. The key was given to her to use in case of emergency.
To me, my home is my haven, where I can kick back and relax with no worries about anyone walking in. Am I wrong??
--Jan
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Jan,
You and I were brought up identically. You are absolutely 100% correct, no question about it. Now...how each of us chooses to run our households is personal obviously, but I can assure you that if someone were to arrive at my doorstep unannounced, they would likely not do it a second time. It is the height of rudeness.
Stick by your guns!
Kind regards,
Jay
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
| Daugther-in-law verses Mother-in-law
Daughter-in-law is uncomfortable with actions of Mother-in-Law
Dear StageofLife.com,
I am writing on behalf of my sister who is a grandmum. She does not enjoy an easy relationship with her daughter-in-law but very much respects parental boundaries and very much understands the demands on parents.
She is distraught following a recent visit when she was told that soothing her grandaughter's back which was sore with eczema and sorting a little curl on her forehead was inappropriate behavior. My sister did not how to deal with this or indeed how to respond as she was so shocked by the comment and therefore did not question why this was deemed inappropriate by the parents.
She said she was physically sick following the incident at what she understood to be the suggestion. As I was not present I am trying to support her through this while offering some practical advice. Views very welcome.
Any advice??
-A Concerned Sister
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Concerned,
Clearly an avenue of communication needs to be opened between your sister and her daughter-in-law. Using shock as an excuse for not discussing awkward situations is obviously ineffective. The only position you should take is to encourage your sister and her daughter-in-law to have a chat about this incident. Technically the mother of the child is responsible for her own child. There is more than meets the eye here. I would take a step back and let them work this out, encouraging open yet private communication.
Kind regards, Jay.
If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation. |
 | Do visitors get to pick where they sleep in my home?
Etiquette involving grown children visits
Dear StageofLife.com,
When grown children with grandchildren come to visit, do I, the hostess (Mom/Grandma), get to choose which bedrooms the visitors will use?
JG
Jay's ANSWER...
In answer to your query about choosing bedrooms for guests, YES, unquestionably you choose.
It's your house for heaven's sake!
Remember that all of your actions are being watched by your younger generation visitors. Like it or not, you are always leading by example. Make sure the example is a good one. Your home is your castle, and your rules are the final word.
I hope this helps!
--Jay
 If you have an etiquette question and would like a personal response from Jay and StageofLife.com, please contact us and we'll post your question and the answer in the hopes that it'll help others in the same life situation.
|
 | Compassion in Three Great Men
Compassion
Our Etiquette Man, Jay, had the chance to hear three wonderful men speak about "Crash, Learn, and Conquer". Former Premier of Newfoundland and Labrador Danny Williams; former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani; and the one and only Donald Trump each spoke at a conference two weeks ago. Here he shares some observations with you...
I had the distinct pleasure of attending the Spark NB event last week where Donald Trump headlined an all star line up of speakers including former New York City Mayor Rudi Giuliani and the former Premier of Newfoundland and Labrador, Danny Williams. The theme of the day was Crash, Learn and Conquer and was delivered to an audience of seasoned business people, young entrepreneurs and students. I attended because I wanted to hear how these men incorporate civility and compassion into their working lives. Strangely enough I was not surprised that those two words were not uttered a single time throughout the presentation. I found this fascinating, however, because to me without civility and compassion, business cannot truly succeed.
Mr. Williams was the first to speak and he explained how he pulled his province up by the bootstraps and with his tenacity and scrappiness persuaded the federal government to treat his constituency fairly. He has been a hugely successful businessman and attorney as well. Despite the reputation he garnered over his years at bat for the province, he showed a side of compassion and understanding of the really basic needs of his fellow Newfoundlanders and Labradoreans and a genuine caring for people.
Mr. Giuliani spoke of his time as mayor of New York City during the events surrounding the tragic day of September 11, 2001. In addition to his words of wisdom for entrepreneurs of having a goal, being optimistic, being a problem solver, having courage tempered with fear, the importance of practice, anticipation, and teamwork, his most important pearl, in my opinion, was to love people. He emphasized how friends are our best safety net and that we need to help people whenever we can. Without his enormous compassion and sense of civility towards all people, he would not have had what it took to manage one of worst moments in human history, as we know it.
Mr. Trump spoke of his colossal ups and downs both in business and in his personal life. I lived in New York for many years, so “The Donald’s” track record was old news to me. I remember when he was struggling with what seemed like an insurmountable amount of debt, when his real estate empire was collapsing around him, and when almost any other person would have given up. And I remember watching him climb back building strength upon strength to regain his prominence as a great entrepreneur. He deservedly has the reputation of being a bully in the boardroom and he espoused the position of getting even, having ironclad agreements, and never giving up. His philosophy of loving what you do, staying focused, and making your own luck is one which has been enormously helpful to his career. Although he has great bravado and an arrogance that a scant few would dare to get away with, I came away feeling that here is a man who flourished because of the team of people he maintains around him. My guess is that behind closed doors was a man who demanded respect and who equally showed respect to everyone in his life. He would not have been able to form a good team without compassion for himself and for others and certainly not without sincere civility.
One only need look at his children to see what a great father he has been and continues to be. That is where the evidence really lies. Despite never mentioning the importance of compassion and civility in his life, it is tucked away inside, hiding sometimes behind a tough protective exterior.
I hope the audience appreciated the kindness and common sense values that these men have. We all love to hear the incredible stories of crashing and recovering. Many of us can clearly relate as we have such stories in our own lives. We love to hear about the renegade side of people who go against the tide and handle pressures we hope to never be faced with. Some of us can handle life on a roller coaster and can face serious challenges with great strength and a sense of purpose. Others of us need a more secure, even sedate, life where intense pressures are avoided.
In the end, whichever path we choose or find ourselves on unexpectedly, we can be happier and move more gracefully through the day if we practice compassion and show civility to everyone whom we meet. It is the lubrication that oils the wheels of life and which gives is the strength to put the feelings of other people ahead of our own. In business and in our private lives, we may at times be scrappy, be focused on emergencies, or even be in a position of being arrogant. If tempered with compassion and respect for those around us, those who truly love us will surround us.
--Jay |
 | Civility Begins at Home
Bullying
Life for many of us is not always a bed of roses. In this column, "Civility Begins at Home", Jay takes a glimpse at this unpleasant subject and what we might do to change things...
We are, after all, human beings. It is our very nature, especially in western society, to get ahead either at school, in our jobs, or in our efforts to get reelected as government officials.
None of us are immune to overstepping our bounds from time to time in this desire to achieve our goals. Unfortunately, in striving for our goals, too often these efforts turn into acts of bullying. Sometimes we purposefully act in ways which can be very hurtful and cruel to those around us. Other times we behave this way quite unaware and are clueless as to how our actions affect those people with whom we interact.
What better time than the present is there to stop and assess our actions, our motives, and our goals? I have observed, as have many others, that civility at school, in the work place, in social and activity clubs and in the legislature has fallen to a very low point. If we want to build any kind of a sustainable and healthy future for our children and grandchildren, now is the time to begin anew to lead by example so that those who hold us in high regard have good reason to do so.
Where we need to begin this sort of renovation is at home. Bullying begins at home. This is learned because one or both parents, caregivers, and siblings teach this behavior initially. There is no point to laying blame elsewhere. If there are constant tears at home from a child; if there is a constant or even occasional outburst which instills fear in a household; if there is confusion and lethargy surrounding a household, it is time to take a look at what is going on. We need to become more aware of and take responsibility for our actions. We must make a bigger effort to think about how we affect other people's feelings and self-esteem.
Bullying comes in many forms – physical, emotional, verbal, and mental. Unfortunately, the effects of this abuse can last a lifetime. We all deserve respect. Whether the newborn freshly home from the hospital, the elder statesman who is the patriarch of the family, or the grandmother whose firm guidance has solved many a family argument, we all deserve to be treated with kindness, compassion and respect. This is best accomplished if practiced everyday. I think it is so important that I suggest scheduling some family time if necessary, where all family members can get together to discuss what is going on in their lives. How else will we find out if someone is being bullied and is afraid. None of us are skilled enough psychics to guess how our loved ones are feeling, what their troubles may be, and how we may help them to feel better about themselves.
Bullying is akin to negative reinforcement. The only thing worse is abandonment. Coming home to an empty house, for example, is a very unhealthy way for any of us to end our day of work or schooling. Even something as simple as a short note indicating that there is food in the fridge or what time dinner will be gives some assurance that a much needed connection will be made soon. We cannot thrive or even exist in isolation. We mustn't do this to our loved ones.
Bullying is the behavior of weak individuals. This weakness needs to be addressed. It is the responsibility of parents to see to it that their children are raised to know the difference between behavior which is acceptable and that which is not. This is a simple process really because everything that our parents do, we as children assume is alright. It does not take a lot of experience to recognize actions which are wrong. Abuse of any kind is uncalled for. Physical abuse is in fact against the law, a fact of which many people are unaware. Physical abuse must be reported to authorities at once and can be done anonymously if needs be.
When we return to our schools and offices this autumn, let's try to make it our own personal policy to behave civilly with one another. This kind of natural behavior cannot be successfully legislated, nor should it be. A healthy society should be able to nurture this behavior very comfortably. Discussing this at home brings it to the forefront of our minds and helps make it easier to happen. If the home is a secure place to live physically, mentally and emotionally, our schools and places of work will be too.
--Jay |
 | Lack of Awareness
Look Around You and Be Polite
This may sound like an exercise akin to patting your head and rubbing your tummy, but I am quite serious about this seemingly simple concept. A reader recently sent me this note illustrating the lack of awareness and kindness towards others. Perhaps we can all learn from this reader’s questions.
“I really enjoy your column. Thanks for the great suggestions for the New Year, which I intend to use. One thing that maybe you could consider writing about is the following: It really bothers me that many people today seem to just live in their own world and have little consideration for others who are around them. Often I have walked into a building right after someone who does not appear to know that I am there and drops the door on me.
“Another beef that I have is people shopping in grocery store aisles, often with a number of family members, who run into someone that they know and proceed to block the aisle as they carry on a conversation.
“I think the one that bothers me the most is when you get behind someone at the local drugstore or convenience store who insists on making their purchase, get their air mile points, pay all their utilities, and both check all their lotto tickets and buy new ones while others are waiting behind them! There just seems to be a general inconsideration for others demonstrated here. I used to buy my gas at a convenience store in the Fredericton area where the owner had a policy that customers could not do prolonged lotto ticket transactions if others were waiting. More than once I have just put my purchases down and walked out!
“I know that I sound like the complainer here but it really does bother me! Happy New Year and looking forward to reading you in 2012.”
The scenarios outlined above are ones to which we can all relate. No one likes having a door surprisingly slammed in his or her face. But it does happen frequently! People just do not look behind them to see if someone is coming and politely hold the door open for that next person. What we need to practice is being polite by taking just seconds to be aware of those around us. I find that when I experience these annoying situations, a bit of self-reflection often reveals a need to slow down and be more aware of what I am doing.
In grocery stores or any store with narrow aisles and shopping carts, it is helpful to look around and try not to inconvenience others. I am not suggesting that a good ‘gossip’ isn’t appropriate quietly in the store, but most customers are not there for social purposes. They need to get in and get out. The lesson here is to consider putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. The Golden Rule comes in handy frequently. This is another call to slow down and be aware of those around you, even putting them and their feelings before yours upon occasion.
The multi-tasker at the super market or at the bank or even at the ticket counter can really be annoying. We have become accustomed to one-stop shopping and find accomplishing a number of chores at one place very satisfying. However, if there is a line of people behind you watching you wind through your list of lottery tickets or other time-consuming tasks, I recommend coming back at a time when the lines may be shorter. This is akin to going through a busy grocery line with a full cart of purchases without helping to bag them. We all know how annoying it is when it happens to us. This is a two-way street. It is inconsiderate and disrespectful.
Let the New Year allow you to start off with a clean slate in one important way. Slow down and pay more attention to exactly what is going on around us. As we interact with other people, whether they are fellow shoppers, clerks, or friends and family, becoming more aware of how our actions affect other people will make for a more civil society. And don’t forget to smile often. We never know how our smile can brighten someone else’s day. It happens often!
--Jay |
 | Rules are Rules
Grandparents take a back seat when it comes to parenting grandchildren
Jay,
My grandson is being named after his father and grandfather. I took both the first and the middle name and added the "ey" to it exp: Thomas Tommy. My daughter in law told me I wasn't allowed to call him that because she hated it.
Am I wrong for being offenced that I can't call my grandson what I want? My son said he understood how I felt and that he was deeply sorry and if it were left up to him it would be perfectly fine, but his wife hates it.
Of course I would never want to cause my son pain so I will not call my grandson the names. I will never bring it up to her again. I have never heard of a grandparent being told you can't call a child what you want. I could totally understand if it was a name other than the one they are given but it is not.
Please help?
-Chris
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Chris,
Thanks for asking this great question. I must side with the mother in this argument. As foolish as you may feel she is being, it's her call. She has her reasons and it does not matter what they are. She calls the shots ahead of you in any matters dealing with her children.
Interfering will actually be a form of bullying and may well serve to drive a wedge between her and her husband as you look to him to support your cause. They must be united in how they raise their children and you will just have to get use to whatever name they decide upon together. I know this may be a bit harsh, but it should be clear.
I hope this helps, Jay
|
 | It's a Respect Thing
Rising to welcome others
Jay,
The other day my mother was hospitalized overnight. I went to visit her and sat by her bed. The room was small as hospital rooms usually are. During the course of my visit the doctor and a priest stopped in on separate occasions. The doctor was a women between 35-40 years old and the priest was elderly.
When each entered the room, my mother introduced me to them. I shook both of their hands without rising from my chair.My mother thinks I should have stood up but I don't agree with her. I'm 35 years old.
Any thoughts?
-Anonymous
Jay's ANSWER...
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for asking this good question. I would have to side with your mother on this one. Standing is a sign of respect, something both of these people deserve, as frankly does anyone else. Age and gender really have nothing to do with rising when someone enters your "space". It makes people feel welcome and respected.
I hope this helps, Jay
|
 | Etiquette I Learned from My Grandmother
An Introduction to Tea
Taking tea with my grandmother was a special treat for me and a tradition that I remember as far back as any in my childhood.
To me it was a simple pleasure and one where I always felt safe. Doing something the same way everyday does tend to have that effect, especially on a young child. Every summer my sister and I would visit our grandparents in Connecticut for two weeks, providing a nice break from home life. At five o’clock each afternoon the tea tray was arranged and the tea table was carefully set. We would all sit down and drink a cup of tea with a nice freshly baked Scottish oat and ginger cookie centered with a blanched almond slice. We would talk about the fun we’d had during the day and see if we could earn another nickel for another wagon full of apples we’d collect.
There was a certain ritual to taking tea and when done correctly turns this afternoon snack into an open-eyed guided meditation. I always remember how quiet the pouring of the tea was. My grandmother taught English to a wealthy Chinese lady and we had access to some rare Chinese teas. Frankly at a young age, I wouldn’t have known the difference and today I have several favorites, none of which come from China. The tea was always steeped in a porcelain teapot with a lovely thick tea cozy hand knitted by my grandmother. There was a silver hot water pot used to dilute the tea to a desired potency, a sugar bowl with small white sugar cubes and a pitcher with cold milk. There was a glass plate with slices (not wedges) of lemon. I quickly learned how to use sugar tongs and a lemon fork. I remember one day when I was in Sea Island Georgia, I decided to go to the Cloisters Hotel for a cup of tea and some of their delicious cookies. I was about 11. The hostess asked me if I’d like milk or lemon. I confidently stated that I’d like both. I soon realized that “less is more” and that the acid from the lemon causes the milk to curdle. The hostess very politely asked if I would like a new cup. I looked at her, having turned beet red, and with an embarrassed tear in my eye, said yes thank-you. Thank goodness for those delicious cookies.
Tea rituals in any household or hotel will vary. But there are a set of principles which stay very much in play in almost every case. These principles ensure a pleasant experience. The Japanese tea ceremony has the strictest of rules and many years of study and practice are required to master this – many years. But in the Western world, tea service is quite different. And there are different kinds of tea service. One of the most misused names of services is that of “high tea”. Many people think that this is the be-all-to-end-all of teas. In fact high tea is a very hearty meal usually including meat and is served family style, at the end of a long hard day of work. It was developed during the Industrial Revolution. It includes tea as well as alcoholic beverages.
Tea served in the afternoon with scones, tea sandwiches and sweets is properly referred to as ‘afternoon tea’. It was correctly named ‘low tea’ as well as it served on a low table. If you add a glass of champagne to the mix you are now serving “royal tea”.
I was recently in Washington D.C. where I was fortunate enough to take a workshop from one of world’s leading tea experts. My eyes were open to a whole new world thanks to Bruce Richardson of the Elmwood Inn in Perryville, KY and a mentor of mine, Dorothea Johnson, founder of the Protocol School of Washington. I learned about the different types of teas: Black, Oolong, Green, White, Scented and Flavored, Herbal, and Chai. Most interesting to me was the fact that all teas (other than herbal and Chai) come from a single plant – Camellia sinensis. The difference in the tea types comes from the specific leaves that are picked and how they are grown and processed.
Another thing to which I was introduced was the concept of honoring the ladies that actually pick the tea leaves. Without their tender loving care, we would not be lucky enough to imbibe in this most refreshing and at the same time relaxing of beverages. This is done silently and privately but is a fine way to honor those women. After tea, discard the tea leaves in your garden. This completes the whole cycle.
I will cover the faux pas, dos and don’ts of tea service in both social and business settings in an upcoming column. In the meantime, enjoy this most delightful time of day. And for heaven’s sake, don’t hold out your pinkie!
--Jay |
 | Don't Ignore an RSVP Request
RSVP Etiquette
I have noticed that the RSVP on invitations in certain instances is ignored. Most invitations ask that the recipient RSVP. This is a simple but very important request. The translation of RSVP, the French expression ‘Respondez s'il vous plais’, is simply ‘please respond’ or ‘please reply’. The RSVP is the means for the host to gather essential information to complete the party or function arrangements. The RSVP clearly indicates how many people will or will not attend the event. It lets the host/hostess proceed with ordering food and beverages, creating a seating plan, hiring the correct number of wait staff and other obvious considerations in planning a successful occasion.
I have noticed that most people do in fact reply to private party invitations. Once you decide to accept an invitation, it really is important to show up, especially if a sit down meal is being prepared and served. Last minutes cancellations with a very legitimate excuse are acceptable. But ‘no-shows’ are inappropriate and extremely rude. Likewise, last minute replies are thoroughly disrespectful. If you are so late in replying that the host/hostess phones you to see if you are planning to attend a function, you ought to realize your gaff immediately, and apologize for your faux pas and any inconvenience which may have resulted. Apply the adage of walking in someone else's shoes and imagine yourself in the position of hosting a party without a clue to the number of people who will be attending.
For public or institutional affairs it is equally important to reply to invitations. These events require a lot of planning and a head count is crucial. Many times, people think RSVP means ‘regrets only’. It does not. If I am invited to an opening at a museum and there is an RSVP, I call immediately to let them know one way or the other. And, I might add, that no one is exempt from replying. Many times public figures are invited to special events as a sign of respect and courtesy. They must reply to such invitations for exactly the same reasons everyone else must.
At these large public gatherings, if you have not replied to the invitation, do not just show up thinking your host will be thrilled to see you. I have been to many such events where there is a list of who has replied. If you’re not on that list, you may well not be admitted. You are less likely to be turned away at the door for a non-profit group. Because these organizations cannot afford to offend anyone, protocol is broken or stretched. But keep in mind that you are still a guest and ought to return the courtesy of the invitation and hospitality that has been extended to you. Be prepared for a solicitation for a donation or request for volunteer help with various projects. These are some of the ways non-profits remain in existence doing good for the community.
There are various schedules one follows when mailing invitations depending on the kind of event or party. However, one should reply within 48 hours of receiving any invitation if possible. Unless otherwise stated on the invitation, replies should be in writing. In today’s fast paced society, most invitations have telephone numbers or emails for quick reply. Some contain a reply card to indicate the number of people attending and perhaps a card for choosing an entrée. Whatever the method of reply, do it promptly. Always put yourself in the position of the host or hostess.
Invitations are very clearly addressed. If the invitation is addressed to Mr. John Doe and Guest, then he is invited to bring along a guest – any guest of his choice. I heard recently of a wedding invitation where a gentleman was invited to bring a guest. The bride found out who the guest was and announced that the guest in question wouldn't be welcome. The bride did not want to be upstaged by the extraordinary beauty of the lady who was to accompany the invited guest. Once you have sent an invitation there is no taking it back-that just does not happen in polite society. Once a person RSVPs, the host/hostess accepts whatever decision the guest has made without further stipulation or regulation. How ludicrous! What a peculiar and cruel way for a bride to behave. That was a first for me.
If the invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Family, that refers to immediate family, i.e. children. If the invitation does not state “and family”, do not ask if you may bring the children or others. Your asking this of a host/hostess puts him/her in an awkward position and makes you look foolish. However, in the case of an informal party, such as a pool party, as it’s a family kind of affair, it is acceptable to call and explain that you have house guests and ask if they might be included. More often than not extra guests are welcome.
RSVPs are one of the most essential parts of an invitation. Please respect them and respond as quickly as possible. This is one way that you as the guest can contribute to the success of the party and help ensure less stress for the host or hostess. This small gesture is always a winner. |
|