Posted: Wednesday, January 30, 2013 9:09:34 PM
It seems that life is built in stages, so far I have journeyed through elementary school, middle school, highschool, college, graduate school, limbo. Each of those stages offered a sense of direction, meaning stability and safety. Under the protection of those stages I wasn't forced to make basic tough life decisions, my parents made them for me. I have no idea how to budget money and I am realizing that it's the one thing I've never had to practice before; but the most vital for adult survival. I feel like for the first time I am expected to act and behave like an adult, but I have no idea how to go about this. For the first time I am required to make life changing decisions and I have to say I am scared to death that I might make the wrong choice. I find myself using logic to a fault and I end up spinning myself into a tizzy everytime I attempt to make an important life choice. There's really nothing that prepares you for this. And it's not like I even had a spoiled life, childhood was a complete terror fest and adolescents was made up of my Dad trying to overcompinsate for my Mother's torture by buying me crap I didn't need and babying me like I was breakable. I fully appreciate my Father don't get me wrong, he is my hero and udoubtedly saved my life. I wouldn't be where I am without him, and I think that might be part of the issue. I have never actually felt altruistic success; I've always seen my accomlishments as due to external factors, not internal.
The most pressing issue is where to go next, it's time to move on to the next stage but haven't a damn clue as to where, what or how. It's like having a writers block, I know there is a way to figure it all out, I just have to get past this panic fog to see it.