Posted: Saturday, November 10, 2012 11:50:07 AM
As I sit here, I think, think, and think some more about life. Life is a crazy thing that you have to figure out on your own. There is not a book to tell how to live it. I often find myself petrified that I will fail at living life, and that I will never find my worth. The sense of not being worth something eats at me. It makes me feel like hope is just a word and nothing to live by. The feeling that days do not get brighter and nights just keep getting darker creep in and out of my mind. I have not been myself in a long time, and I feel like I am fighting demons who are often winning. I fight as much as I can, but we all break. Time, and time again I have broken, losing every piece of me. With every passing moment, I feel Gabrielle slip away. As I cry out for help, I become weaker because at that point I know I cannot sustain my independence. My life beings to feel over and I become toxic to myself. I do not recognize the person I stare at in the mirror anymore. The person I see often wants give up on it all. My parents did not raise a quitter, and I do my best to hold on to the last string that might save me.
I remember that last time I felt like I was worth something. The time where I felt that, I made my family proud of me. The time where Gabrielle had Gabrielle, and knew that, I was doing something with my life. The day I went off to basic, for the Army was the day I knew that I was going to become something. I had a plan to my life, and I knew where I was going, and where I wanted to be. Now I am not so sure anymore. I feel stuck in another person’s life, like a bad dream I cannot wakeup from, and it is never going to end. Joining the Army gave me a sense of pride in myself. It allowed me to show not just myself, but the people who thought that I could not do it, that I can. I felt so smart for the first time in my life. I learned things and retained the information that I learned. I was good at my job, proficient, and hard working. I never questioned the things that where delegated to me, and I took my duties with pride.
I will not say that marrying Gordon was a mistake, but what I will say is that I could have waited. I was young; I mean I still am, but “in love.” I now understand the reasoning behind my parents being mad that I did not wait, but I also understand what they were trying to prevent from happening. At the end of the day, I still got married, and I still went to South Korea for a year. I married Gordon after three weeks of knowing him, and then regardless of the fact that we did not know each other I thought that this could work. When I got to South Korea, I honestly did try not to ruin my marriage. At a certain point, I came to realize that I was nineteen years old, and had no business being married, especially after knowing him for only three weeks. I just started to live my life, and I had so much more to do with life before settling down. Nothing in this world will ever make my infidelity to Gordon right, and I will never try to justify what I did, but the things that happened in South Korea changed the person I was.
I used to be this happy, outgoing, family orientated, and “I can get through anything”, kind of person. Nevertheless, I let some “boy”, and I say boy because he will never be a man for what he did, put his hands on me and I stayed. I do not know what made me go back after the first time he chocked me. I told myself that he did not mean too and that it will not happen again, but it did three more time to be exact. Chocking went to slapping, and then slapping went to a full-blown attack. The night Joshua Martel attacked me, in my own barracks bathroom, stole the person I knew myself to be. The second full-blown attack took what little piece of me I had left and it changed me in so many ways. I blamed myself, telling myself that this is what you get for what you have done. It was my karma for committing adultery. The worst part of it all is that I cannot even being to even tell myself why I went back one last time. I made excuses for him, saying that maybe I just pissed him off, or it was something that I said. The last time Joshua put his hands on me it broke every little piece of me that I had left. It was the most difficult thing that I have ever had to deal with, and the truth is I never really dealt with it. I became this angry, angry person. I let the anger become me. I started to smoke heavily. I was high all the time, because being high was so much better than being in my own skin. I hated myself, and until this day, I still kind of do.
For the past two years, it seems to feel like I am stuck on the rollercoaster ride from Hell. Just wondering when can I get off and get back to me. The problem is that no one will really ever know how much I really let the anger become me, maybe some will, but I am not sure. I dragged myself into a hole that I cannot get myself out of, and I allowed this to consume me and end my marriage. I became distant to a family who loves me and cares for me, and the worst part of it all I allowed this “BOY” to take something from me that meant everything to me, and that’s my job.
When I found out that I was going to be separated from the Army, my world came crashing down on me. I know that you can never see the future, but I did not see this coming. I never thought in a million years that I would be unfit for duty. I did not prepare myself for the “what if...” you are put out part. I do not have a college degree, or years of experience to put in someone’s hand for another job. I was and still am so bad off that I cannot even pay my own bills. I needed this, not just for financial stability, but also for the simple fact that I found something, I was good at other than a competitive sport. Yes. There are a lot more occupations in this world that I could have been amazing at; however, the Army was not just a job I loved what I did. I loved knowing that I knew the answers to people questions. I loved that it was like having a second family, I loved that I knew one day I was going to be SGT, SSG, SFC, 1SG, or CSM, I loved the sense of accomplishment that it gave me, and I loved that I knew that I was a part of something bigger then myself. Now that this is all gone, I feel like I do not even know which way is up or how to even to get to it.
I have not figured life out yet, and I have some ways to go before I do. I would like to have hope, and faith that I will find my way. Some days are better than others are, and some days I want to throw the towel in and give up. Nevertheless, I have come to realize that not every day is going to be gold. I do my best to get through the rough patches, as I continue to find the Gabrielle I lost two years ago. It has not been easy, nor did I expect it to be, but the journey itself I will never forget. This chaos has opened my eyes to so many things about life, people, and the world we live in. The sun always comes in the morning, even when it is cloudy. Just because you cannot see does not mean it is there, so maybe I do have hope. So maybe I am wrong, maybe hope can be resorted. Therefore, Gabrielle will be found and brought back to me. I can live again, and will live again. “Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride”
Gabrielle A’lice Alexander-Dawson