Posted: Thursday, January 10, 2013 6:12:10 PM
I think the day Dillan died was the day I really started thinking about God and death and all that sort of stuff. I mean how could such a perfect person leave Earth so quickly? He was only 18, turning 19 a couple months after his death. God could not just take a perfect person out of my life like that. Who does that? Why would he punish me like this? Why did I deserve this? But let’s face it, God works in mysterious ways. I mean really, who dies at age 18? That’s barely a life. His life was just beginning. And now, it’s over. Just like that. But who is to blame? Honestly I have no idea. But how I met Dillan was the significant thing. He was such a special person to me. He helped me find myself. Here’s my story about how Dillan Mueller changed my life….
I met Dillan when I was in the 9th grade. I was in drama club and so was he. He was a senior, so he was pretty much a God when I was there. I remember the first time I saw him. He had dark hair and pretty eyes. He was in the auditorium goofing around when I first saw his face. I knew I was meant to be in his life after that. Or maybe he was meant to be in mine to help me find myself. I like to think the latter of the two. Anyway, I remember saying “hi” to him and finding myself crushing hard. Come to find out, I wasn’t the only one with a crush on him. Nearly every girl in drama club liked him. But that did not stop me from getting what I wanted. Him. Eventually I started talking to him more than just saying “hi” or “see ya next rehearsal”. It became a regular thing that we talked. And then he chose me over the other girls. But that’s another chapter in this story…
When Dillan chose me I was shocked. I mean a senior picking a freshman? When did that ever happen? We were volunteering at a kid’s camp in the square when he told me how he felt. His smile was radiant with his sparkling eyes. I couldn’t help but smile back and wonder what it would be like to hug him. I did not have to wonder for long. We talked more and more every day until one day he wanted to be more than just friends, but not dating. He called it “friends with benefits”. I was much too shy to do that, but I reluctantly accepted. How could I not accept that? It was Dillan after all. It was every girl’s dream in drama club to have him feel the same way. So we used to meet up before and after rehearsals. I used to ride my bike early just to see him. It’d take me an hour to ride my bike to the high school, but I knew it would be worth it. I remember the day he chose me I was wearing orange. An over sized orange shirt that I had to wear since I hadn’t done my laundry. Orange was his favorite color. And then that very day he kissed me. And I knew my life wouldn’t be the same…
“Hi.” That was my famous line to him. “Hi.” He smiled at me, looking at me directly in the eyes. God, how I could get lost in those so easily. “Well.” I felt so weird. Why was I such an awkward person? I usually was able to strike conversation really easily. Then it happened. He leaned in and I went on my tippy toes because he was so much taller. Our lips met. And he didn’t pull away. He kissed me for a few seconds then pulled away. “Aren’t you going to use any tongue?” I giggled. I was so nervous I nearly forgot to. “Sorry. I don’t really like to. But I will.” So I did. And we were under a light backstage. It was just a dressing room for kids in drama club that eventually got torn down a couple years later. It smelled horrible but what choice did we have? We didn’t want to get caught. I remember he wanted to go further, but I refused. “No Dillan, I don’t want to.” And the best part was that he accepted it. So we would make out for a while. I didn’t mind it at all, even if I was shy with guys. Someone came, so we went further backstage. I remember going into the random pit and we would just hold each other and talk. It felt magical. I remember every bit of it. One day I asked him why he chose me out of all the girls in drama club. “Because you’re special.” That was such a sweet response. I’ve never forgotten that.
The day of the show he wanted to kiss me one last time. So we did. And we hugged after, of course. It felt amazing. But something felt weird about it. I walked away after he jokingly told me to leave. I didn’t walk back. That’s the one regret I have with Dillan. The last time I saw him I was at a band concert. I simply waved at him since we hadn’t talked in a year. That’s another regret I suppose. I should’ve given him a hug. I know I would’ve if I knew it would be the last time I would ever see him.
Last night I had a dream about him, January 3, 2013. He was still alive. We were in chorus. My sister was there, telling me to stop talking to him and sing for the concert. He came over to me and told me he liked me. That he loved me. I told him the same. Dillan was everything in that moment. It felt so real, that dream. He is slowly walking away. I cannot stand being away from him now. I called out for him but all he did was smile at me and continued to walk away. I tried telling him; no I tried telling everyone that he was going to die in a car accident. He would not listen. Neither would anyone else. By the time the concert was over it was almost too late. I tried driving to see him but I do not drive that often. Eventually I saw him near a tree. I saw him just dying from the car accident. He was covered in blood. His head was still beautiful, though. His dark hair was all over. I could see that he was suffering. It pained me to see him that way.
Whenever I think of Dillan I think of how special he made me feel. I remember all the memories we created backstage and in the light room. I remember everything he taught me and left me thinking. Most importantly, I still think of him. Whenever I look up at the clouds I can see him wearing his orange hoodie and black shorts with sneakers. His glasses and dark hair too. And even if I miss him I know he’s here with me, doing what I need him to do; look after me. Even if he is gone, I know he still loves me in a way just as I love him. I hope someday I get to reunite with him. And when I do I know I will hug and kiss him the way we once did. I know it will be a beautiful thing and I will never forget it.