Posted: Thursday, December 20, 2012 10:38:05 PM
I was adopted in May of 2003. They nurture and take care of me, but I have this nagging feeling in my heart. I feel unwanted because I was taken away from my biological parents and ever since, I’ve felt like I don’t belong and nobody wants me. People come and go from my life and its hard losing them. I feel like unimportant, but I know inside they care; I’m not accepting it.
It started few years ago when people would ask about my adoption. Everybody thinks it’s cool to be adopted from a different country and ask all these questions, never realizing what it feels like to relive the past. I wonder why they’re always in my business instead of minding their own. They have parents who love them, so why wonder about mine.
I try not to let it bother me, but it gets the best of me. Negative thoughts run through my head. I believe everybody will leave me; no one cares enough to stay. A lot of people have left me, but the most important was my nanny in Russia. She came every morning and made breakfast for my mother and me, cleaned the kitchen, and got me dressed. My mom would leave and my nanny would take me to the park, candy store, or other errands. She was the person I loved seeing every morning. Even though I was too little to understand, I knew she was the person who would always there for me. Then I was taken away from my parents and put into an orphanage. She came by everyday and gave me treats from the candy store we use to visit. When I was five, everything changed. She stopped coming and I never understood why. I just thought she didn’t love me anymore and didn’t want to see me; I later found out the orphanage asked her to stop coming because I was getting too attached.
Since then, I push everybody away because I’m scared they will leave me and never come back. I push my mother away and don’t confide in her. I push my best friend away even though I don’t want to. I want to have relationships with people, but I don’t know how without getting scared that they will walk out on me. My best guy friend just left because he has a lot on his plate and doesn’t want to hurt me, but it stings because I want him in my life, yet he’s pushing me away.
Ultimately my goal for 2013 is to accept my past and stop pushing other away. Especially those who love and care for me unconditionally.