Posted: Sunday, December 9, 2012 9:52:59 AM
A serious topic. The one you love , they don't know that you love them, and they have been stolen right before your very eyes.
I sit next to her during lunch. I used to sit right acoss from her and now I sit next to her as an unnoticed attempt to speak with her like before. We still speak, but not like before where sparks flew every sentence. Now a word or two will dim my flame and she has 'her', she who stole my place, to speak with.
I know jealousy isn't good, but it isn't just jealousy. It's loneliness and the childish need get attention.
"Things happen and it changes people" is what I heard and got warned about but this was too much! Luckily she can still tell how I feel with my silence next to her and my wondering eyes from my food to some other object. She knows that I am looking for something. Unfortunately she can't tell what. I refuse to tell her. I don't want to see her dishearten expression when I do tell her.
Instead a lie. Partly true with a twist to it. The lie:"I feel something is missing, like I'm empty... but i don't know..." it's true but I was holding the rest. to satisfy her interest along with her anxiety I told her that. Would that be considered a white lie?
She with her killer instinct saw my expression that showed I knew what I was missing. She even knew my lying technique which I had my heart not pounding. With a calm tone and sad look it was too perfect. Except for my eyes.
A deep dark almost black with no glint to show any emotion. I redirected my eyes from her eyes. I can no longer look into her eyes with a calm resolve but with a guilty conscience and a interior motive to knock 'her' off.
Those who sit around us are 'friends'. They laugh and talk. I play along, only to be hurt again and excluded. My words not noticed or are replaced by a sudden link topic to my subject, a relived tale from another person's mouth that jabbers on without realization of my last word.
Though not intentional to leave me out, it hurts. The more I try the more it hurts. I can't pretend to be happy with what they do or say. So instead I avoid them and leave them. All of them weren't alarmed but the one I love sees me and asks what's wrong.
I hid my jealousy to keep her happy, instead it back fired and took my jealousy and directed it toward my silence. I hid my unwanted hatred and buried it along with jealousy. There in my heart started the list of long grudges.
How do I tell her that I'm lonely without looking pathetic? How do I tell her that I love her without breaking what we have now? How do I tell her that our so called friends are hurting me without being so different?
How can I express my feelings without seeing her face?