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A Broken Heart And A Bleeding Wrist.



Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 3
Forgotten Shadow
Please, before you comment, realize that this is all true and I don't want to hear people saying that what I did is stupid. But, here we go...


There comes a time in everyone’s life, where they just can’t take it anymore… I reached that time and took the coward’s road… I cut myself and this is my story, leading up to when I cut. I’ve been bullied since kindergarten or maybe it was first grade when the bullying and hazing started. Granted, I did bring most of the bullying and hazing on myself. How? I used to act like a cat… I was a stupid child… I smartened up in third grade though. I got in a lot of arguments with my friends in third grade and the bullying didn’t stop, it was a gang of kids, some of them my age and one of them a year younger than me. Now, closer to the present day, last year, actually. My best friend, Sammy, called me up after the first few weeks of school and we met up at the nearby elementary school where I met her soon to be boyfriend and my long-term crush. Thing’s were good for a while then problems arose for my closest friend, Tiffany. She wanted to leave, go live with her dad because she was so sick of her mom. We both cried almost all day. Then, my sister was over and a big argument happened for some reason I can’t remember. She cried, I cried and then the next morning, I was still pretty upset and something happened at school to make it worse. I can’t remember what it was though either. All through the year, I faced problems until one day, in May, this scrawny guy named Nick made everything worse. Third period was my English class and the only class I had with my friends, Tiffany and Genasee. The three of us were anime fans and always sat near each other, fan girling over yaoi, and just being otaku’s. Nick didn’t like that. He’d always had issues with us but that day, he made things worse. He thoroughly bashed the three of us and NO ONE helped. He called us “@#$%ing ugly ass bitches” and bashed us for liking yaoi. Mind you, Tiffany and Genasee are bi, I’m straight. Genasee started crying and Tiffany and I immediately set to consoling her while firing heated retorts at Nick and his cronies. That night, I almost cut but I knew my friends would be SO upset if I did. I couldn’t hurt them like that. Now, I still liked Hunter, the boy mentioned earlier that Sammy would date that I really liked. Finally, I built up the courage to tell him how I felt and he felt the same. We rarely talked though and hardly saw each other. Summer passed and I only saw him once that summer, on my birthday. The school year started and I still rarely heard from him. I got a boyfriend to try to get over Hunter but it didn’t work so I dumped the guy. Then, skip to Wednesday, November 14th of 2012. I finally heard from him that night! I was ecstatic, my love had returned to me! Or so I thought…. We talked for a few minutes and I eventually asked him over text if he still liked me as more than a friend. My heart raced as I wait for him to text back, I was almost certain he’d say he still did. But, my hopes were soon dashed and I read the text over and over again. I cried when it hit me that he didn’t like me back anymore…. I took a shower and then went to my room to get dressed. I’d thought of cutting before but I’d never been serious about it, never tried to cut before. That night, I was playing with my EXTREMELY dull pocket knife, acting like I was going to cut, trying to. I pressed down hard but no blood was drawn. I moved to a different spot on my right wrist and lightly slashed a few times and suddenly, I had a cut… I didn’t really feel much pain and the past two days, I’ve had to hide the cut from my friends. Only four of them know… I’m not proud of it but, I’m kinda glad I did it… It’s sick. I’m insane. But thanks for listening.
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Comment by michness


Joined: 1/25/2011
Posts: 197
Here's a great tip for if you ever feel the need to cut again: Instead of reaching for a blade, find an ice cube and hold it in your hand until it melts. By the time it does, the urge to cut will (hopefully) have passed.

I know what it's like to get bullied too (for liking anime too). It was a really dark time in my life when I felt like my friends and I were constant targets for just being different--for being ourselves.

Don't listen to those bakas, and I know it's hard as hell but try not to let what they say bother you. It's easy for me to say because high school for me is six years over but I remember how much it sucked to see the same jerks everyday for 42 minutes a day. And you can just feel them making fun of you in their head.

I'm not going to tell you cutting is stupid, because I know what a relief it can be and how much it can make you feel better. But I'm going to ask you to try to stop, to find a new and healthier way to release your stress and anger and frustration with this stupid world. Writing blog posts here can help. There's also a great and accepting community on Tumblr that would be willing to listen and understand your obsession with yaoi. And if ever get harassed by those guys again, tell a teacher or a school counselor. Chances are you aren't their only victim and I'm sure there are a bunch of other students who want to see these guys get their butts handed to them by the principal.

Getting rejected by guys blows. Hard. It makes you feel like you're going to be alone forever and that you're unlovable and horrible. I know. Oh, I know. I can't promise you you'll find a great guy like your crush tomorrow or in a year, but you'll find one. Trust me. If it happened for me, it can happen to anyone. And one of my good friends is a hardcore yaoi addict and she's had several long-term relationship with other anime freaks like her! Even if you don't think it, I'm sure you are absolutely beautiful, and if some silly guy is gonna reject you over a text then screw him. You deserve someone who thinks the world of you.

Good luck and I hope you feel better. If you ever need to talk, you can find my blog at theshadowsparade.tumblr.com. I have Anonymous messaging allowed if you don't have a blog.

Ais#$%eru!
Posted: Saturday, November 17, 2012 9:48:56 AM
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Comment by Forgotten Shadow


Joined: 7/6/2012
Posts: 3
Hey, thanks for replying. I've heard squeezing ice cubes can help instead of cutting and in all honesty, I don't plan on cutting again. Some of my friends cut or have cut and stopped. It's unfortunate to hear from other victims of bullying because they like anime, that's exactly how the three of us felt. It was horrible and people still make fun of me behind my back but I never hear about it. -_-' Like I said earlier, I only cut once and writing this actually did help me out.
I actually reported those creeps first thing after class to our assistant principal and they somewhat stopped.

Almost all of my friends are yaoi fans too and we tend to stick together even though we don't always ship the same pairing. That's exactly how I felt when he said he didn't like me as a girlfriend anymore, especially since I've liked him for over a year now. They guy I dated for a little while was also a huge anime fan but things didn't work out. I didn't really like him that much. Thanks for listening. What you said, really helped. A lot more than what one of my guy friends said when I told him about my cut. He knew I'd had urges before and then on Thursday, he tried to roll up my sleeve at lunch to see if I had. I stopped him and he knew. If I ever feel like I'm going to cut, I'll try the ice cube thing. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.
Posted: Saturday, November 17, 2012 6:40:35 PM
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