Posted: Wednesday, August 29, 2012 7:40:36 PM
I stumbled silently, into the depths of despair as I held the razor blade to my skin. Within moments the deed had been done and the blood found its way out into the world. And for a time, I was happy, my thoughts solely consisting of the physical pain and nothing more.
But there was only so much time I could spend crying over such pain before the real problems found their way and crawled back into the depths of my mind. I bit my lower lip, desperately trying to hold back the screams, not from this new pain, but from the old, the one that never seemed to cease, despite my attempts to stop it.
Everything was changing, far too fast. It was as if I had been asleep for a century; everything I had once known was now nothing more than a distant dream. But even that distant dream changed too upon my rude awakening.
I now know how easily things can change. Within one year, I had lost nearly everything. I became the child of divorced parents. Then, I lost my home and the only life I had ever known entirely. Do you know the pain of having every person you've ever loved apart from your family walk out on you? What about this happening when you're already so broken up inside? I do. The song I chose for this very essay was "Breakeven", by The Script.
As I watched my life crumbling before me, their lyrics were the only thing that rang true in a sea of lies. A certain part of the song that especially hit home was the chorus," What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you? And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?" The last phone call I ever had with my best friend, was the moment I realized how much the lyrics meant to me. She was happy, with no indication that my departure had had any effect on her. So I hid my feelings entirely, "Everything's fine here," I had said.
Little did anyone know that my life had become a living hell. In every class, I was my own partner. I skipped lunch to avoid eating by myself. I was never anyone's first choice, always their last. For the first time, I was alone, so I thought I'd find refuge in the one thing that I had always had, school. I studied and worked to my greatest ability, but as a once well above average student, I became deemed, nothing more than average. I was told I wasn't good enough, in appearance, in intelligence, in friendship, in life. So why live? I walked hallways with uninviting faces that snickered when I turned my back. No one wanted me, but why would they? I wouldn't either. I mean, no one ever seemed to have, but I learned that all hearts fall to pieces, so here I stand.