My dryer thinks the blanket's dry. It isn't. I keep telling Bosch, but he thinks he's a Ph.D. of dryers and knows better. My 2nd ex is also a wet blanket Ph.D. who knows better than I. Don't ever marry one, especially the Canadian kind.

Bosch knows when the traps full, and the temps too high. Ex knows Neuroscience, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. I can clean a lint trap, but don't know brain chemistry or how anyone watches those without gouging out their eyeballs.

My middle schooler thinks forgetting to get permission is a valid excuse texting, "Oh crap, I forgot." Oh crap, You're grounded. My high-schooler just got his first job, hasn't completed behind-the-wheel, but has apparently already decided his next career: driving instructor. Let's say you get your license, have it hmmm...40 years....then you can still not tell me how to drive.

My 1st ex is texting parenting advice. Hw abt u dnt, k? Oh yeh, I already asked. He used to just call, then emailed em, but finally got a cell. At first I was relieved cause it's hard coordinating drop off and pick ups, but now he texts his assness. Hw bot u fuk urslf? Shld b ez. u r a dik.

My dog knows underwear's tasty and where my flip-flop is, but doesn't know why we don't just eat all the groceries as soon as we bring em home. My daughter knows brushing teeth's a waste of time, but doesn't know I'm so tired of telling her, I'm considering 1st grader dentures.

I'm very un-pop cultured, haven't a clue which stars are dancing with what idols. Don't know any movies that are, were or will be out. I'd rather run from, than keep up with Kardashians, but I do know Paul Otlet invented the concept of the internet 78 years ago. Imma spring that one on the ride home from school. Love when I can technologically top em. Gives me a mom-high.

Can't believe I bought my son condoms and neither can he. I keep countin to see if they're all still there. They are. Don't know if that's good or bad. Don't know a nice way to say you're a snobby bitch. Please tell me if you do, cause my sister won't talk to me anymore. I don't know how to make a delicious smoothie, but know where to buy one. Can't read a map or use a compass, but thank God I know how to get there.

Don't understand why adults who can't afford birth control keep @#$%ing. It's like going to Hawaii, mountain climbing or sailing. If you can't pay for it, then don't do it. WTF am I not getting here? Besides laid, and that's not just cuz I'm broke. Maybe they should try a new hobby like rock collecting, fishing or masterbating.

Leisure should fit within your budget. Don't you think I wanna skydive everyday or would so rather be sittin on a beach? Did I miss this in the bill of rights? Bear arms, freedom of speech and unlimited birth control? We have the right to assemble, search and seizure, but I don't think that means what they think it means. If you can't afford condoms, don't risk havin a baby cause they're way more expensive and don't fit in a wallet. Be patient, menopause cures fertility and sex drive.

Still can't wrap my mind round hunting. Can't imagine teaching my son to kill. I appreciate meat, just don't get the fun of turning animals into it. Sport is the line between a child who grows up to mount deer on his cabin and sociopath.

I may not understand sports, but watchin my son play LaCrosse makes me wish I were a 6'4, 270 pound guy. I'd love to know how that feels. I don't know where my memory went, lost my purse, keys, glasses and phone. I forget the doctor, bank, groceries and to remain seated while peeing, but if I were a 6'4, 230 pound dude, I wouldn't have to remember tha

(c) copyright donna maysack 2012