In yet another list, "5 White Lies I Don't Want To Tell My Kid," Natty writes,
"We all know that lying to children is not only important, it’s a necessity. For the most part a lie is a protective device or (sic) sort for kids. What I mean is, sometimes it’s better for a child not to know every single thing that is fact. Sometimes they’re better off. For example. you really don’t want to tell a kid that Santa doesn’t exist until they’re older and can handle it. You don’t want to have to explain that you were having sex with your spouse when you can say “mommy and daddy were wrestling.”

In these cases I think the white lie has it’s (sic) merit. However, there are a fair amount of white lies out there that when I become a parent I do not want to utilize. I’d honest (sic) just rather tell the truth."

FIRST OF ALL: WHY CAN'T I GET AN EDITING/WRITING JOB??? I mean @#$%ing seriously...It's probly cuz I say, "@#$%," too much and write like I speak, but are you @#$%ing kidding me? Oops..Anyway, Natty's got no kids or any way to know what she'll say to em, but the worst part is she doesn't know it. She does, however, have a list. It's for her imaginary kids. Hey moms...just curious..how'd your imaginary kids stack up against your real ones? Also, how's that wrestling line work when you're naked? Wouldn't that at least be porn? What happens when your son gets to high school and wants to join the team?

Now I don't count Santa, he's a family tradition. He even comes for my adult kids and it's their choice whether to believe, except if they don't, they run the risk of him not leaving presents. Think that's harsh? Would you leave gifts for people who treat you as if you don't exist? He's a busy guy. Plenty of believers to tend to. So I'm pretty sure even my 32 year old still believes. I know I do.

Other than him, I don't often find lying necessary. If one of my kids asks somethin I don't want em to know I say, "I don't want to answer that question." It's always met with dead silence. Every time. So quiet, in fact, I love when I get to say it. It's empowering, a lot like,"Because I can." Love it.

Natty thinks she'll never say, "Tell me the truth and you won't get in trouble." I don't say it much, more often it's, "I'll be angrier if you lie." Usually, tho, I already know and, for future reference, study you very carefully when you are. So go ahead, cuz I'm watchin every twitch. How do you think I learned to tell when you're lying?

Her next, "I saw that, it was amazing," is what's great about pretend kids. They only do stuff when you have time to watch. And everything they do is @#$%ing amazing. Here's what I say to my actual kids, "I missed it. I saw it. Do it again. You showed me. Stop doing that. Don't do it again, Nice job" or, "Your sister does it way better." Just kidding on that last one, but I did make em watch my backflips off the plane and they agreed it was amazing.

Natty must have experienced some sad shopping trips because she promises never to say, "I'll buy it for you another time." I don't know what's wrong with this one unless you're really not gonna. In which case how bout, "I'm not spending 30 bucks on that. I don't have the money," or, "Put it on your christmas/birthday list." This is also when divorce works in my favor cuz I can always smile and say, "Ask dad." That's kickin two ex's with one stone.

When her pretend toddlers misbehave, Natty gets a little nasty. She's never gonna say, "You're going to get a timeout, but writes, "Just give the damned kid a timeout. Don’t threaten it. And for God’s sake if you do threaten then follow through. Don’t just keep saying “you’re gonna get it!” Give it to them!"

Whoa Natty! Simmer down. "Damned kid?" How can you already be so impatient when yours are merely virtual? Effective timeouts come with a warning. Now stop with the language and grammatical errors or I'm gonna sit you in the naughty chair and forget to set the timer.

Her last one, "It's not going to hurt," really gets me thinkin Natty's parents musta told her the truth about Santa while they were having sex. She saw it and it was amazing. Who'd tell their child something wasn't gonna hurt when they knew it was?

If we have an vaccine appointment next Monday, I don't tell anyone. I drive there Monday, park and by the time we're walkin in, someone usually catches on. If not, I don't say a word til they're bringin in syringes. I just saved myself a weeks worth of crying and gave them one without fear and anxiety. And yeah, I admit it may hurt, but not as bad as when they broke their arm, got stitches, or, fill in the injury. We sing, "Twinkle Twinkle," to each other as we get stuck, even the teens. And it works.

Now here's somethings I don't wanna tell my kids, "There's no such thing as monsters or bad writing," but I can not tell 2 lies. Some monsters are real, but they'll have to go through me to get to them and there's nothin a good editor can't fix. Call me Natty.

(c) copyright donna maysack