Posted: Wednesday, January 19, 2011 4:12:42 AM
The truth is, I am a closet romantic. It's true.
I have always believed in love. Always.
Sure, there were a few times I got a little cynical.
For example, my first marriage. The wedding was beautiful, romantic, perfect in every way. Traditional white dress, big cathedral, 5 tier cake, champagne, candle light, pearls and white roses... all the elements for romance were there. One thing was missing - the actual romance.
I did try on several occassions to make the best of it. My ex was never mean to me - just too much like a friend or brother. So, I did what I always do - I tucked my emotions away somewhere safe, where they would not surface.
I did that as a child, feeling the need to be loved and cared for. I learned quickly that love was not something people just gave away, at least not to me. So, I buried the need for those feelings and became quite cynical at a very young age.
See, my theory is, if you are not shown how to love, you begin to question whether love is real. I was not familiar with the "love terminology." I found words like "honey", "Baby", "darling" to be distastful.
If I chose to finally be vunerable and allow myself to think, even for one moment, that maybe someone really loved me, I would soon learn (it never took very long), that the person in question would soon change their mind. Without fail.
So I became a bit more cynical.
Now, I am deeply, truly, madly in love with my husband. I love that.
At the same time, it makes me soooo freaking vunerable and fragile. Two traits I frown upon.
When I met my signifigant other, roses were blooming, stars were colliding and all the planets were in alignment.
Honeymood phase was insanely strong.
Soon - reality sets in. Love is still there, but the growing pains are leaving scars. Getting to that "point" all couples try to reach is hard work.
Turns out, I am an extremely sensitive person. I am fragile. I need a sign that says, "Handle With Care."
Love is not a word I toss around freely.
On a woman who prides herself on her strong will and 'take no prisoners' attitude in other aspects of my life, I find I am not as strong in matters of the heart.
What makes you vulnerable?