Joined: 4/16/2009
Posts: 13

My posts have been a lot more personal lately - and I fear, although I hope not, that they might have been less positive than usual! I want my blog, if nothing else, to be motivational - but also authentic. Losing weight is exciting and motivational, but it is more than a physical change. It is an emotional and mental change as well - we have to re-learn how to view ourselves, how we dress, and how we eat. Recently I have been struggling with my relationship with food.

Since 2003, when I started this journey, I have struggled with my nutrition habits. I knew that if I changed how, what, and when I ate, I would not be able to accomplish my weight loss goals. Any attempts at losing weight before had involved my eating habits, and they had failed, miserably, because I just thought about food all of the time. For the first five years of my weight loss goals I completely disregarded the nutrition side of weight loss, focusing only on my exercise routine and increasing the time and difficulty of my workouts. And it worked! I lost 60+ pounds through exercise alone. I pretty much ate what and when I wanted; I would be exaggerating to say that I did not think about food, and change some of my habits regarding food (i.e. I would try not to eat at Cafe Rio twice in one day, even when I wanted to...) and I definitely increased my water intake.

Last year, about this time, I recognized that I had hit a plateau in my weight loss. I weighed around 150 pounds, and had been there for over a year. I was happy with how I looked, but I realized that if I wanted to tone up and lose the final pudge around my middle that I would have to change my eating habits. I really wanted to finally feel comfortable in a bathing suit (and I had boyfriend who made the misguided and horrific comment about my "saddlebags!!!" - really who says that?). So I started slowly, and began my very first food diary. I found that keeping the food diary, all by itself, lent itself well to eating less, as it was harder to eat five homemade chocolate chip cookies when I knew I would also have to record it for posterity (or permanently, forgive my dramatic rhetoric). Over the past year I have slowly changed my eating habits - I have begun to recognize what foods to enjoy, which ones to avoid, and have a pretty good idea of the calorie counts of most foods, both at restaurants and grocery stores. In my methodological way, once I have learned which foods I both enjoy AND are healthy choices, I have created a eating schedule of sorts, amending it with new food finds as I discover them. I still enjoy food, but I do not eat at my favorites restaurants. I also realize that I view food as this HUGE negative. Like I hate that I have to eat, I hate the "hungry" feeling, and I am resentful of any extra calories that I have to put into my body. I am viewing food simply in terms of the calories contained within that food - which means that I am viewing food as future calories that I need to make sure I burn. This is a good thing on one hand, as I make sure that every calorie I eat is something that I will truly enjoy and want to eat. No wasting calories on cardboard-like whole wheat tortillas, for example. But this creates a daily routine where I feel like I am constantly thinking about food! Thinking about what I just ate, what I am eating at that moment, and when I get to eat again! That obsession with food borders on (if not actually being the definition of) a disordered relationship with food. It is not a healthy relationship with food, and I want to have a healthy relationship! Beyond enjoying the calories that I am putting in my body, I want to enjoy food, for its own sake. This will require a paradigm shift on my part - something that will not happen over night! My goal? To sit down at Cafe Rio and eat my favorite pork salad and not be thinking before, during, and after how many calories I am taking in. I don't want to do that every day, but I want to do it every once in a while! On a daily basis, I want to continue to enjoy the food I do eat - but I also want to use my schedule as a guide, giving me the freedom to know that as long as I follow that schedule (with flexibility), that I will be taking the calories that I need to - so that I do not need to be constantly re-evaluating my eating habits throughout the day. Life is too short to be constantly thinking about food, especially if I am viewing it negatively! I have got my healthy eating habits down - now I need to focus on improving my overall health in another way (maybe cutting out aspartame, hmmm?)!

To read more, visit my blog at laurajayneparson.blogspot.com! This week I will be giving away my favorite Pilates DVD - so check in for details!