Welcome to High School, where we look after your kids! After they walk through the school doors, they will ecstatically be immersed in a long string of senseless invectives from both strangers and friends- just a wonderful, boosting way to start off the day! Public schools are often scheduled so that they make sure students are most sleep-deprived and least attentive. This helps students with unlocking their subconscious mind and learning with it. It has been shown that people learn more when their brains are not working.
Let’s take a tour of the school! This is our gym, the place for satisfaction, stress, and fitness. Not only does it provide ample space for students to indulge in activities like texting, sitting, sleeping, and occasionally playing, students are also able to learn many life skills. Throwing one’s racquet at an opponent after a ping-pong match builds good character and strengthens the opponent physically and mentally. What’s more, if the opponent has glasses, it would be beneficial for the glasses to break because it allow him/her to buy the new, expensive frames he/she’s always wanted.
We will view the hallways of the school now. Think of the hallways as a labyrinth of pathways that epitomizes the rich, diversified, public school culture. Walking on the dirt-ridden carpet, listening to the melodious caterwaul of the fire alarm, and smelling the pungent taste of today’s school lunch represent the august feelings that public schools concoct. People battle to their classrooms, pushing and shoving, practicing the art of self-defense. Daily, there are suave students smoking marijuana peacefully to enhance their ability to withstand increasing amount of pollution in the air while also testing to make sure the smoke alarms are functioning.
Speaking of weed, there comes a time when, in a field, one must separate the weeds from the flowers. Darwin Socialism, as I think it is called, is one of our primary themes in this school. Only the fittest can survive; when resources become scarce and education is the only factor determining survival, people must be discriminated and put in lower classes to maintain human superiority in the world. Furthermore, order is placed in our system. Students must obey the commands of their superior officers, for any disobedience is met with the horrific “Trail of Tears” to the principal's office or an embarrassing thrashing in front of your friends. HAIL HITLER!
Come here into the classroom. Our teachers are technologically savvy, able to control a highly complex instrument as the remote. The students are watching The Simpsons. Not only is it a good show for life skills, it also shows the advantages of public school and the effectiveness of learning in one. You might not be able to see, but there are also students covertly passing notes to each other. The ability to engage in such an action without the teacher noticing requires necessary skills that could help in such occupations as illegal weapons trades and drug dealing.
Oh look! It’s time for lunch. Oh wait nevermind, that clock is not working. Nevertheless, this allows for good analytical ability because you have to know the time without looking at the clock.
During lunch, students gather to taste the delicious, homemade, oops sorry, school manufactured, food. On today’s menu, it looks like there is frozen pizza, heartwrenching fried chicken, artery-popping french fries, and for our special, insect caviar.
At a time when parlous pathogens are more than ever wanting to take control over humans, it is necessary to have sanitary bathrooms. This school offers this luxury. With granite-layered walls embellished with elegant language, tan-colored and tri-way sinks without running water so messes can’t be made, bathrooms are a student’s paradise and safe-haven in this dangerous world. The random yellow tinting in the bathrooms also adds to the splendor of the truly brilliant artistry. Paper towels are scattered across the floor and puddles of biological secretions are clumped near certain areas. Strategically placed, they teach a person how to avoid obstacles.
Next, let’s go to the administration office. These are some files with statistics of public schools: Homeschoolers do about 30% better on standardized tests than public schoolers; according to the Department of Education, public schools receive an average of $9,969 per pupil; U.S. twelfth graders ranked 18th out of 21 countries in combined mathematics and science assessments. These facts emphasize the ability of public schools to waste money and still produce results less than satisfactory. That’s pretty extraordinary; it’s just like how getting a 0% on a test is just as difficult as getting 100%.
In terms of socialization, students tend to be very gregarious in public schools. They learn to condense their language, from difficult vocabulary to “lol” or “what’s up”. This provides for a more effective form of communication and builds good literary strength, something the great writers of the past never realized. It helps with accurately portraying the situation at hand, and even conserves the environment because there is less paper being used for communication.
It seems this tour is now over. It was a pleasure meeting you. Was this school any different from homeschooling? Either way, public schools are the best, built off the republican ideals of Jefferson. Many famous people have come from public schools, such as Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Lindsey Lohan whereas most homeschooled students are not as popular, such as Albert Einstein, Leonardo da Vinci, and Benjamin Franklin. It’s your choice: do you want the school that you just observed, or the school in which you obediently learn, collaborate with your family, and live with moral?
*Kid runs far far away, never to return to public school again*
For a video rendition of this essay, Public School Satire