So I went back to the shrink and told him I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I want the stop-being-pissed-off-stop-swearing-stop-caring-stop-yelling-stop-crying-stop-saying-f@$&-pills. All he did was increase the dose of the anti-punch-people-in-the-face-pills. We'll see how that goes.

I've spent a little time trying to figure out which parts of my life I don't detest. And what it boils down to is, aside from sleeping, I really enjoy laying in bed watching TV and eating Cheetos. That's as active a lifestyle as I'm interested in, but that's not all I like. Aside from Cheetos, I like Ding-Dongs, Oreos, Cashews, EL Fudge, Sara Lee, Chocolate Frosted Mini-Wheats and pudding. Don't like gardening, snow boarding, biking, exercising or reading. Not interested in rock-climbing, decorating, jogging or knitting. I like Cheetos (puffy, not crunchy).

There was a time I would've apologized for or tried to hide this, but I just don't care very much anymore who knows or what they think. I mean, I'd probably be a little embarrassed if Pastor Brad found out and feel slightly self-conscious if other parents were privy, but ultimately I don't care enough to change it. Not gonna take up a hobby or a cause. I'm just gonna check the TV guide and maybe nap a bit.

I feel (probably unjustifiably) justified in my lack of remorse. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go anywhere and I don't want to shower. I truly enjoy my bed, TV and Cheetos. It's not a sad thing. I'm happy in bed with my remote and orange fingers. Love it!!!!

I guess this is what some would call depression and I'm owning it. Instead of fighting it as I've tried for years (to no avail) I've decided to revel in it. I'm exuberant in my dismal bliss. And don't think I'm not grateful to God for the luxury of it all. I could be starving, sick, homeless and then, if I were depressed, I wouldn't have time to even notice...I'd be too busy trying to survive. It's an extravagance of sorts to be down or blue or even suicidal when there's so many others fighting to merely live. How blessed my suffering.

Truthfully I find those who are not at least a little depressed in this depressing world to be either slightly out of touch with reality, wealthy or both. And I'm not judging them. So don't feel bad for me just pass the Cheetos.

(c) copyright donna maysack 2010, 2011, 2012